A very large theme in the Schlag/Amalynn saga is the unquestionable honesty, loyalty, and virtue of Amalynn. The actions described between this and Schlag's thread contradict this theme.

Several strong points have been made why what you're doing is wrong. They're all correct.

It strikes me that what you're doing is vindictive in nature. You're flaunting your web site forays, communications, and new suitors in your husband's face.

I understand it, but I understand it in the same way I understand it when I watch a pack of dogs turn on an injured member of its own pack, tearing it to pieces. It's a horrific thing to watch, has no place in the precepts of civilization and humanity, and is something in which I feel compelled to intervene.

Eric sought out self-gratification in a way that was extremely cruel to you. You're now seeking a level of self-gratification by being cruel to Eric. It won't work. It's only placing you in the same category as him, extends the hurt and cruelty to anyone you become involved with, and severely compounds the negative impact your family break-up has on your children.

You are choosing to crawl into the pig pen to wrestle the pigs. You will find yourself covered in pig excrement and having left a string of very happy pigs in your wake. There is no other possible outcome.

P.S. As ugly as it is to watch, Schlag is fervently working through the sewage that is his past life to try to build himself into the type of man he can be, and should have always been for you and your children. Picture a day in the not-too-distant future where you've both changed, and you are no longer worthy of him.

It could happen . . .

Not to mention that this "self gratification" will quickly turn to self-abuse.

Amy, of we have misunderstood something (and I don't think we have), show us. What are you trying to accomplish by being on a dating site? Of course Eric will be with you on this:

1) he is desperate for approval from you

2) He is still struggling to see things in a non-fogged way himself

3) I would bet he is seeing this as an opportunity for an "in"

Do you know you are defending yourself the same way as a wayward?

Do you know that counselors, the good the poor and the bad ones all know and say that it takes one year to heal after a relationship has ended before one is ready to date?

Do you know that you are still married (you act as if your not, denial, fog?)?
A question within a quote. On a roll.

Do you know that you are still married?

Do you know that a man that is willing to date a married woman is not marriage material for he is a man without honor?

Do you know the damage you're doing your COM by dating while married?

Do you know that your actions are teaching your COM to be cheaters just as mom did?

Please share your answers.

I'm fine with this decision.


I would advise you not to trust your VERY wayward Schlag to be the arbiter over issues of integrity.
He has no experience with integrity.
He is an infant when it comes to integrity. An infant is selfish and without morals or scruples.

Following Schlag's advice/opinions is not too smart.


You need to think again.
Instead of defending yourself, think again. Think some more. Analyze without emotion. Make moral not emotional decisions.
When you have Schlag and all his experience with deceit and poor decisions in your corner, and everyone else is asking you to STOP AND THINK .... something is amiss.


Doing the morally correct thing is often uncomfortable.
Doing what feels good is comfortable.
When your particular heinous WH was comfortable, he was making grave errors and exhibiting vastly poor judgment.

All I am asking is that YOU stop and think.
If you know who you are, then be honest about it.
If you are dating while married, you are not honoring your vows.
Which makes you what?

If/when you "chat" with men on a dating site, do you tell them "I am a married woman."
Or, do you tell them something less honest?

Any man who wants to see you after you tell the truth "I am a married woman." ..... is a rat and a louse. Nice work.

I agree. Continuing to defend yourself is unproductive. It is pretty much never productive here to try to defend yourself to the forum at large and persuade us of something. It'll usually never help your life in any tangible way.

Hoping for happiness for you.


Frankly while that sounds deeply spiritual or something, I think it's going to be completely irrelevant to your future happiness in life.

I don't have to understand you to know that what you're doing is immoral, destructive, and evil.

Revenge Affairs are really the worst kind ... Schlag was stupid, but you are vengeful. You're in it to intentionally, craftily inflict pain. This is evident by your rubbing his nose in it.

Divorce the man. I would. But this vengeful, evil thing you are doing has got to stop. Stop rolling in the same mud that caused you so much pain.

Especially around here where you KNOW what it takes to survive an affair(even only personal recovery) and NO WHERE does it say to become a wayward yourself.

2 years into Plan B, I am still married and NOT dating. 2 YEARS. I am not going to get a divorce just so I can start dating, but when I am ready to be divorced, I will file. I still won't be ready to date even then, since I'll still need to heal.

Since what you will experience with these men is adultery, you remember the statistics on how often they fail right?

Stop being so intentionally cruel.

Posted about this in my thread.

Amy,

I wonder if you will get this note? The reason why so many people are advising against a new relationship is not only because you are still married but you are probably not ready yet.

You've just been totally traumatized and the people you're attracted to and who are attracted to you right now are not what you're going to want after you've had time for personal recovery.

It comes up on these boards even. Some of the BS's run out and find someone new and come back to update in 6/9 months saying how miserable they are, or that the relationship blew up and caused more problems.

You have four little ones depending on you to take care of yourself. Please do it! With time, you'll find that you're ready and able to create something really special with someone worthy of you and the kids.

What you're attempting now looks like a combo of escapist behavior (a way to dull the pain) and a bit of revenge on Shlag. Wait until you are ready for LOVE.

I should have said DEFINITELY not ready. Protect those kids and find nourishing fun...fun that helps you be strong and healthy for you and your kids. Not some silly world of flirt, fantasy and sex.

Putting the moral issue aside of dating while still married for a second,

one thing you don't seem to acknowledge is how vulnerable you are to falling in love and developing intense feelings for someone fairly quickly while you are out "having fun" and "chatting with guys"...and ending up with the WRONG person.

I think the first good looking guy that treats me well, acts protective of me (opposite of my serial cheating STBX) and meets some of my ENs that I am craving like affection, I am going to probably develop feelings for very quickly. So I know that I need to take it slow and WAIT until I am in a better place and have had a chance to heal.

And if you don't think yourself at risk...it just means you are even more at risk, because you are not going to be careful.

And also wanted to point out that this doesn't look good for you if it is to come out in court, should any issues arise with visitation, custody, etc. I have had two attys now and consulted with a third. They all advised me that while the courts do not care that much when a BS cites adultery in the D, it can be used to demonstrate POOR JUDGEMENT and not acting in the children's best interests on the part of a parent who dates while still married....as it should!

SusieQ,
I hope that will be used in my case even though it's hard to do in my state.

Well, 3 years later we see the result of your plan: an open marriage with confused kids.

When I was separated every decent man in 100 miles gave me a wide berth to grieve and be with my female friends and my family.

I don't see how it can be considered 'fine' to ring the dinner bell for every nearby cretin who sees a broken marriage as a sexual opportunity.