Luna can you hit notify and ask the mods to move your thread to SAA? I think you'd get more support.

It's totally normal to be filled with such disgust and depression after such a long Plan A; this has been your first chance to think!

My advice?

* Give it time - you're not even fully dark yet
* Get dark, as of yesterday
* Don't make emotional decisions
* Never, ever, ever plan to have a wayward 'work with' you

You can't rely on the man to be faithful; you can't rely on him not to totally screw you legally. That's a given.

Yes it's not very amicable. So what? Be proud of that. You wouldn't be separating from the man if he were reasonable and reliable, you'd be working on your marriage.

Forget everything you've heard from Hollywood about the glorifying of amicable splits. I would be embarassed tohave had one of those. People who split up from their reasonable, friendly spouses are either lazy or wayward.

Luna,
I am sorry, but you will be better off no matter what happens. I know that it doesn't seem that way right now but you are looking at the good you have going on in your life so keep concentrating on that.

I suppose it would be an emotional decision. I can feel the anger emanating over the exposure and the request to get him off the lease. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. He has been angry at me for some long, and so hateful. I just need get away from it.

I got together with a friend last week and she told me today that I looked "tired, thin and very haggard" when we got together. I looked a little happier by the end of our visit. No wonder she was so inviting for me that weekend - I looked like a wreck. This really is affecting my health.

GO DARK

We want to hear about YOU and your life, not some silly man - ho

When will you be going dark?

By the by, a weekend with a friend would be excellent Plan Bing.

I'm going dark tomorrow. I just spend the most exhausting day trying to get him to recall service on the divorce so we can do it in December when I'll be there on a weekday to deal with the court!! I'd give him the terms he wanted (fair enough), just wanted him to not have my name changed (too much hassle for me). Nope, no go. It was like dealing with a brick wall/parrot "That would cause me too much stress". I offered suggestions on ways to relieve that (we come to an agreement, send it to others for accountability, etc.) Nope, he wanted me to TRUST that he wouldn't go for a summary judgement. Yeah, right I'm supposed to TRUST you, the one that got up in front of all our friends and family and pledged our life together, and you decided three years later you'd rather be single. "I don't like your insults". My WHAT?? My accurate description of your behavior?!?

So now I'm going to have to get a lawyer. I'm also going to ask for the counseling fees as joint debt, which it was something I was willing to let go if we could avoid the lawyer fees.

Brick f'ing wall. This is normally a smart man... or at least I thought so.

I think the stress of exposure really hit hard. Really hard. He sounded like a little boy.

Dark, dark, dark. No more crazy. No more crazy PLEASE!

Yes, I broke plan B. It was painful, and also not. Once this time line is settled, it's back on. Don't need this.

Luna,

Don't discuss or negotiate divorce with him.
Obtain an attorney to do this for you.

Do you have a good IM?

I have a good IM but did this myself.

Perhaps I got cocky and though I could deal with this, but he did seem to want to stretch out the conversation and took way too much of my time today. Hmm, a clue.

I did get the names of some recommended divorce attorney's in his town/state where this is all happening. The form he filled out is technically not valid for us and he lied about our assets to push the easiest, cheapest divorce option possible. If I bring in an attorney, this will have to be dealt with.

He is in an uber rush to get this done. Someone suggested it is because he has a girlfriend who won't sleep with him until he's divorced. Probably that woman I was pissed about.

So he has fire under his behind to be single. "It was really stressing him out to not have forward progress on this."

So. Plan B is a plan designed to protect you from the mental abuse of a man who gives not a hoot about you or what you want.

And you decided to make a day of it indulging in that abuse. It sounds like you genuinely expected him to say something like he doesn't want to screw up your life and finances, when of course he does. His own too! He is a WAYWARD.

All he wants is to date other women while fighting you,his evil wife. You keep on giving him that perfect justification on a plate.

We told you he wasn't going to give you an amicable divorce because there IS NO SUCH THING.



Your attitude just beggars belief Luna. This man has put you through hell and you are trying to chat to him as though he is not your enemy here and as though he has any kind of interest in your wellbeing.




I actually agree with him here. I mean make up your mind. Either you are trusting friends who can hash this out amicably (which of course you're not) or you lawyer up. Don't get all shocked that he expects trust when you are trying to be buds. Also, it is insulting to keep on at him about his behaviour at this stage. If it really bothered you, you wouldn't be talking to him! You see where I'm going? Talking to him just undermines your entire argument.

Are you for real when you say you are trying to avoid lawyer fees? This is like trying to fight crime without paying the pesky wages cops require. Try telling a criminal who has trashed your home that neither of you will have to pay taxes for cops if he would just behave himself.

Let me break it down for you. It's going to cost you an absolute fortune. Partially because no one ever has money put aside for this, partially because of the nature of waywards.

Waywards like to obstruct divorces and drag their feet. They like to make it far more expensive than it needs to be so they can fight with you. Every time you call him up and fight you will be rewarding this technique.

They also have simply forgotten to factor in reality while chasing skirt. The reality that financially they are worse off without you. So any informal agreements between you about what is fair will swiftly be reneged upon as he starts to snatch at whatever he can get.

So think of the very highest number you would be willing to pay a lawyer. Now quadruple it.

Then pay it. Because even if you do, like most people, get heavily into debt; you will still be better off. The lawyer will save more than they take and you can always earn more money. You can't undo the toll contact will take on your health.

Let us know if you are interested in doing this right.

Look back at your thread. You were really proud of going nine days NC and you were not planning on any contact. You and I both know you would rather fight with him than let go. He knows too, now. Let's undo that.

Nine days is actually a lot harder than ninety days. You were right to be proud but its not all you can do. You can go much further than that.

It is like withdrawal from a drug. Your mind starts to invent reasons for contact. This time you had a bad trip and are saying 'never again' but you need to stick to it.

Every contact resets the withdrawal clock back to day one. So you have a bad few weeks ahead. However after three or four weeks it will get easier.

Indie,

Some of your advice is spot on, and thank you for that, but I am frustrated that you do not seem to read other parts of what I write. My husband wants a divorce, yesterday. This desire came before even coming to this place and these women.

The terms he put are fair - and he filed. My objection is my name, and that the current terms could be more clearly spelled out. The conflict yesterday is that he paid someone to serve me, forcing me to deal with this divorce when I am really busy with other things and out of town.

Our main source of conflict is that *I* didn't want to give him a divorce, but work on our marriage. In the state he's in, I can't stop the divorce. I put him off for a few months, but that is when the emotional affair action started and I couldn't maintain my cool while he was provoking me/betraying me with these women. Hence plan B.

I've given up on the marriage, because I don't see anyway to fix it, certainly not with the ticking time clock of the state being so short. He might come to his sense in a few years, but I can't wait or hold out for that.

My primary goal was to protect my current quarter at school.

I can get a lawyer to look over the filing, perhaps spell somethings out more clearly, but I am not going to change the bulk of it. The settlement is fair, with the exception that the money he has was an investment from me expecting that someday he would work and I would be able to stay home. That is not something you can get in a settlement, at least not with as short a marriage as ours. Frankly, I am happy he is self-sufficient now and not asking for support.

*I* am the one dragging my feet. I am the one making it difficult for him to get his freedom. He gave up everything to get it, except his small retirement account. Does that make me a wayward?

It is important that we use words according to their meaning.
Do you think you meet the definition of wayward below for trying to save your marriage?


adjective
1.
turned or turning away from what is right or proper; willful; disobedient:
a wayward son; wayward behavior.
2.
swayed or prompted by caprice; capricious:
a wayward impulse; to be wayward in one's affections.
3.
turning or changing irregularly; irregular:

Its not that I didn't read it, I just don't really see the relevance of his wanting a divorce real bad; that is just so fantastically common in Plan C. It's true your husband wants a single life above all else but you're forgetting he is wayward and like every other wayward. He didn't divorce first and then get a single life; on some level he wants you on a back burner, if not now then it is likely he will once you get serious.

I'm not even talking about was HAS happened. I'm talking about what to expect. Once you go dark and stay dark he will throw all sorts of tricks into effect. Just because he has been gung-ho about getting a divorce up to this point you think it will stay that way?

Perhaps it will stay that way but I don't see any cause gfor certainty. You seem to make contact with him, take his words and actions seriously and sincerely and I just don't get why. He once stood up and made vows he was not consistent with.

You need to expect the unexpected more. Stop taking your lead from him. This thread is just descriptions of you reeling from whatever he says or does.


As to you not being sure about divorce that is perfectly natural. You are not the one who created this situation and like every person who is betrayed you don't turn it off like a tap.

It is not even remotely comparable to the situation where someone remains in affairs but will not comply with the divorce either.

Exactly!

Luna,

Once again indie is correct. Please please please listen to her and go pitch black and just stay that way. Do not discuss anything with him.

As she said he is wayward and was when he asked you for a divorce so you can not go by anything the man says...........

Alright, alright. I'll call the lawyers, pick one and get myself protected. No more talking to wayward.

Utterly frustrating to have my whole life torn apart like this. No, I certainly did not pick this.

I can see your point about him wanting me on the back burner: it was when I took him off the lease, moved to close the joint account and stop our shared phone plan that he started upping the behavior. I removed the back door back into our relationship.

luna,

I really dont think he was ever committed to marriage.
Have you always financially supported him?
It sounds like you are more of a sugar momma than a wife to him