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I appreciate and hear everything you are suggesting. I know you are right. If I try plan B, to the best of my abilities, and If he serves me and my attorney negotiates on my behalf...say we agree to everything..that would be far less expensive than had I contested it? Right? I guess I never thought of this. He keeps pushing for us to resolve together...to save thousands in attorney fees. I'm quite uneducated about this whole process. If I just have to cover the fees myself rather than splitting, then I think this is a good option for me. Or would it be thousands in attorney fees, even if uncontested? Of course I would have to deal with the possibility of my not agreeing to what is filed, Then it could get costly, I suppose? I just don't want to be a party to this who debacle...I don't want to file "jointly". You don't need to worry about "divorce fees" since he has not even filed. Don't worry about what has not happened. That is all HIS problem. NOT YOURS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not in plan B. I absolutely do not have anyone to mediate. I have been moving towards divorce, just having a REALLY bad day. I could have done it to the best of my abilities, but has Melody said, I haven't really tried. You don't need a mediator, you just need a friend who will act as an IM and pass on pertinent information. You shouldn't even be thinking about divorce. There is no divorce filed!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So that my new question doesn't go overlooked I am reposting below:
I do have a question regarding his continued phone calls with the children. Do I have to allow them to call him nightly? They are young elementary school age and he bought them iPhones that can just do FaceTime if in the home. It does not allow for phone calls or internet. I have participated in helping them do FaceTime and now they can do it themselves. Sometimes I am involved, sometimes not. To be honest, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't call them when they are at their fathers home, why should he call them here or require they call him? I don't want to hear his voice from another room and I don't want the temptation to slip in the room to hear their conversation or show my face.
Could this work against me in court, if it comes to that? Could this be viewed as preventing contact with their father? I just see it as so unnecessary and done because of guilt on his part.
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You are correct, I can't do the textbook plan B, and am well past plan A. You are correct, I did not do that textbook either, but I did it very well. Yes, I have taken and implemented quite a bit of the great advice given to me and for that I am very thankful. Why can't you go into plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would love to be able to find someone to do this for me.  I am going to try to protect myself anyway. It won't be plan B, but at least it will help protect me somewhat and he won't continue to know that I am always here for him. Thank you for everything You should find an IM and go into Plan B. Being too "available" for your abusive husband has greatly diminished your value to him. You have propped up his affair by hanging around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are correct, I can't do the textbook plan B, and am well past plan A. You are correct, I did not do that textbook either, but I did it very well. Yes, I have taken and implemented quite a bit of the great advice given to me and for that I am very thankful. Why can't you go into plan B? Melody - I posted this earlier: <<I understand thousands of people successfully had an IM. I have exhausted efforts in this respect, with the exception of walking up to a total stranger>> I am still searching
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You have no friends or relatives in the whole world?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No one willing, wanting, or able to help in this way, unfortunately. Friends are pretty much non-existent. I'm trying to change that.
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Walkin,
I may be completely wrong...but I think you are kind of a "glass is half full" kind of person.
You cant expose the affair, and you cant find an IM.
Are you a fugitive from justice, wanted by the FBI?
You say that exposure would bring your life into the spotlight. Is it this serious?
Do you belong to a Church? Have you asked the Church to help in the role of an IM?
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No one willing, wanting, or able to help in this way, unfortunately. Friends are pretty much non-existent. I'm trying to change that. WOS, being an IM is he easiest job in the world. All the person has to is relay messages to you. Do you have a relative who could do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You can allow them to call him anytime, but I would not allow the FaceTime contact for the reasons you gave. Just tell your kids the reasons why.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, I will do that. I really don't want them to even call, but that would be much better than hearing his voice or seeing his face. Should I comply with his wishes right now if he wants to see them 50/50? There is no reason why I shouldn't other than I don't want them to go and I don't want break up their routine this is going to tear me apart, but I'm thinking I need to let him see them when he wants. Today, when I wouldn't agree to sit down and talk about divorce next week, things got heated and he told me that he wanted to divorce me the day after we got married and the last eight years have been the longest of his life. This why I am where I am today. Very hurt. Not sure why he would say such things if he wants me to heal and move on.
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Are you going to go into Plan B or not? I seem to remember going through all this before.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Today, when I wouldn't agree to sit down and talk about divorce next week, things got heated and he told me that he wanted to divorce me the day after we got married and the last eight years have been the longest of his life. This why I am where I am today. Very hurt. Not sure why he would say such things if he wants me to heal and move on. He doesnt need to heal from anything. He is having an affair which you chose to enable by not exposing. He's busy with his affair and his discussions with you are just a nuisance he feels he has to get done. To answer your question, he doesn't care if you heal or not. He only cares about his affair
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I will be asking my sister-in-law if she can be the IM. She previously said no, but that was a couple months ago. I'm going to ask her again. Husband was at the house today when I got home putting blades on the mower and putting in my new car battery. He also had the children hand me a birthday present from them that he bought last week. No words were spoken about the bitter conversation we had just the other day. I did not mention the no contact yet, because I want to make sure I have a reliable person first. He will probably be pleased when I do tell him. Anything to get me "moving on". In his words, "you just need to let it the f*#$ go".
That is exactly what I plan to do.
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Your SIL would not be a good IM.
Relatives usually dont work out as IM's, especially in-laws
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What I suggest is to use the SIL for CHILD EXCHANGES and get an internet IM.
There may be a poster here that can offer to help you as an email IM.
And just use the SIL house for child exchanges/ pick-up///drop-off
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Melody asked if I had ANY friends or family. No friends (I do have employees, but out of question) and my minimal family is out of state. I work long hours and take care of children. That is my life. I exhausted all efforts with family months ago, but can ask again.
You answered a question I had this morning. I had an idea this morning to ask HIS sister again, but if she is not a good candidate, then I'm definitely not going to ask her. I was going to ask my brother's wife...my sister-in-law.
He will respect my wishes regarding child pickup and not even walk up to the door. I do not even have to see him. It will be hard but I this is what I have to work with. I will find the strength. I will also find the strength to not text or call.
What makes this extremely difficult for me (but a blessing to the girls) is that he is a very involved parent. He was there for parent teacher conferences, every practice, every game, etc. I think I can convince the teacher to provide separate meetings next time. We shall see.
He has my original plan B letter. I'm just going to send him a quick email this time. I need to move on. I want to move on. He is my best friend and I really need to break all emotional ties.
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Melody asked if I had ANY friends or family. No friends (I do have employees, but out of question) and my minimal family is out of state. I work long hours and take care of children. That is my life. I exhausted all efforts with family months ago, but can ask again. Do you have an out of state sister or close cousin who would do this? You answered a question I had this morning. I had an idea this morning to ask HIS sister again, but if she is not a good candidate, then I'm definitely not going to ask her. I was going to ask my brother's wife...my sister-in-law. Good! Tell her it is the easiest job in the world. All she has to do is act as a spam filter and pass on pertinent information. I am offering to help her behind the scenes. She will get the hang of it quickly with a little guidance. You will need to get everything arranged beforehand such as a strict visitation schedule, finances, etc so you eliminate the need for contact as best as you can. Having a flexible visitation will be a NIGHTMARE so don't do that. Send a visitation calendar with your Plan B letter. What makes this extremely difficult for me (but a blessing to the girls) is that he is a very involved parent. He was there for parent teacher conferences, every practice, every game, etc. I think I can convince the teacher to provide separate meetings next time. We shall see. That is how you should be thinking. He is a horrendous parent who broke up his children's family over a skank. He has my original plan B letter. I'm just going to send him a quick email this time. I need to move on. I want to move on. He is my best friend and I really need to break all emotional ties. He is not your "best friend." He is your rapist. I will help you write the letter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He has my original plan B letter. I'm just going to send him a quick email this time. I need to move on. I want to move on. He is my best friend and I really need to break all emotional ties. Can you post your letter?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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