I don't have a copy of the letter. It was handwritten and four pages long. It was literally copied from one of the letters provided on this site. I had to plagerize most of it because I just didn't have the strength to come up with my own. I did add some things to try to make it original, but in the end, it was literally word for word. It was a good one.

There will be just a little more to this, but is this okay? "Because the things you have done and continue to do and say are very hurtful, it is best for me emotionally to not have any contact with you."

I don't want to put him on the defensive right away, by starting off like that or appearing as the "victim" as he said just the other day...even though that's what I am. He just twists everything and makes playing the victim despicable in his eyes. He wants me to feel sorry for him most the time...how he doesn't see the girls enough and how much he misses them. I have to restrain myself from laughing out loud. Ha! He caused all this and he wants me to feel sorry for him?!

You won't need to worry about him being on the defensive because he won't be able to contact you! That is the beauty of all this!

I would send him something like this:

Dear Joe, your affair and our separation has been the most painful thing I have ever endured in my life. Every time I see or speak to you, I am reminded of this tragedy. Because of this, I must have no contact with you.

I have attached a visitation schedule for you and the kids. I ask that you stay in your car when you pick them up and drop them off. I have arranged for all necessary communication about finances and visitation be communicated through my sister in law, Sally via email at sallysil@CCC.com. She will forward any necessary information to me. Any legal matters should be communicated through your attorney and I will forward to my attorney.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

All my love, WOS

I also think you should file for divorce and force him to pay a portion of your bills and child support. I am astonished he just moved out and does't pay your bills!!! Filing for divorce will ensure you are protected legally.

Another thing I am going to suggest is that you get into counseling. I believe you have a warped sense of reality from years of gas lighting. The fact that you call him your "best friend" after the wicked things he has done to you is quite alarming, IT tells me you don't see things in a realistic perspective.

Before you send that, I would block him from calling or emailing you. Even if you have to change your #, you should do it. And be sure and tell your kids about your plan and ask them not to hand the phone to you or let him in the house. They also cannot be passing on messages from him.

Thanks Melody...that sounds similar to the last letter I sent. In case he lost it, I will make sure to capture all the important points you included. Thanks for coming up with that.

You're right, I won't have to be concerned about his defensiveness anymore. Thank God.

I am not emotionally ready to file for divorce. I am hoping Plan B will help me to move on from him. I know this is a process that will take years (moving on) but I at least need to feel less emotionally dependent on him for friendship. He is paying for half the bills we owe. I pay all bills associated with the house. He also pays for health care and childcare. He can at any time file for alimony in our state.

I would like to go into counseling, but I would lose my job. Counseling is not an option. I do understand it is warped of me to think he is my friend. I just lose perspective of that sometimes. It helps to be reminded, to hear the word "abuse" and "emotion rape" applied to what he has done. I should be way angrier than I am. It is not healthy that I don't allow myself to be ANGRY with him and the situation for fear of putting him on the defensive. Plan B will hopefully allow me to be ANGRY all I want. I will be able to rant and scream and cry if I need to do that too. Who knows, maybe I won't even need to do any of that. Maybe once all contact is broken, I will finally feel free! Free of the feelings and daily turmoil.

Sending email now.

Don't make it any longer than that or he won't get the point. It needs to be short, sweet and concise.


HE can file for alimony? How is that? And I want to point out that NO ONE is ever emotionally ready for divorce, however, I GET your point and AGREE that being in Plan B will help in this regard. I think you will be AMAZED at what happens to your mentality once you are in a dark Plan B for a few weeks.

But, I went through all this with you before and you didn't follow through. What is different this time?


How so?


You seem to be going along with his very destructive ideas. Are you depressed?

I could not find an IM last time. Time has passed and my sister-in-law and I had a very deep conversation recently. I think she will do it this time.

Once a divorce is in progress, he can file for alimony. I make more. Doesn't matter that he is the one that left. My lawyer made this very clear to me.

Just a requirement of my position. An investigation will immediately be opened to investigate my ability to perform my duties. Interviews of loved ones and not so loved ones, tests, polygraphs, it never ends well. I don't need this right now.

Not depressed, just need someone to talk to somewhere to vent or find support.

I'm eliminating the last two paragraphs this time. He is well aware of what I want and how I feel. It will just make him cringe, I'm sure. He knows what's in my heart.

WOS!! You can't do that.The letter has to contain your conditions for return. You believe you are not worth that, but you ARE. You are telling him he cannot contact you under any other conditions.

Have you lined up the IM yet?

Ugh...I just sent it! I need to fix this!

Did you line up your IM? Did you send your IM information with the letter?

I'm adding this and resenting.
When/if you are willing to join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future.

Does that work? Yes, just got off the phone....

Did you send this IM information to your husband? You seem to be putting the cart before the horse here.

My sister-in-law agreed and the letter is sent! Still waiting to send the update with sentence above. She sounded a little hesitant, but said she would if I thought it would help me move on. She was very supportive and would do whatever is necessary

I feel lighter already. At least at the moment. I'm sure I will go through the motions of grieving yet again, every time I try to let go. This time I am not just trying, but hopefully DOING it this time.

Yes all her contact information was included in the letter. Do you agree with that added sentence? Is it sufficient.

Thats fine!

How did you explain this job to your SIL? And can you give her my email address and tell her I will help her if she has any questions. Does she understand that her role is to act a spam filter and not pass on anything unless it pertains to visitation, finances, etc?

For example, she should not pass on anything that has to do with legal matters. I know your husband talks a lot about getting your cooperation in an easy divorce and stuff like that should not be passed on. If there are any legal matters, he should have his atty contact your atty.

My next concern is about your ability to maintain no contact. You weren't able to do this before. Are you going to be able to do it now? You told him before you were cutting off contact and weren't serious. How will he know you are serious this time?