Have you listened to the clips in here?
BSs Plan C is not a plan

Right. I looked at that post.

Honestly, I don't want my marriage anymore. Even if I 'win' this, I will only get a H that will manipulate me again in the future through threats of abandonment, hurtful statements or other forms of control. It has been a long, long time since felt a respected partner in this, but since he was so affectionate and loving otherwise, I stayed and tried to squeeze in my needs.

If I thought we could ever get true POJA, I would want a real plan.

As I said, he is forcing the divorce, so let's just get it over with...

He can always find me later if he ever grows up. (And if I still give a rats behind.)

JK -I supported him for the first two years of the marriage. He has never supported me, not entirely. This past year he paid half the bills.

How old are you?

I'm contacting the lawyer, getting my response together and then letting the rest go. He can complete it, if he wants, once I get the conditions listed more specifically and I am protected.

I'm going clothes shopping next weekend and am really looking forward to a calm time and some opportunity to get my work done. This is going to be the first quarter I can spend 100% time on myself and my work. I'm a little irritated I lost this first week but it will get better.

Dark plan B.

You'll be surprised at how much better you actually feel after a week of no contact and from then on it just gets better and better.
You will have up and down days and sometimes you just need to force yourself to take it 'one day at a time" but you will feel much better overall.

I hope so.

I just wish I could concentrate better. It is so frustrating. That is the biggest unexpected cost of this relationship ending. Even when it was bad (except for the very end when it was utterly horrible), I could still think and be productive and enjoy my work. Scratch that, even when it was horrible I still wrote a piece that is being produced. Now that it has ended, it is much more of a struggle. I don't get it.

Hopefully this, too, will change in a few weeks. I need my old me back.

This man has been an absolute succubus on your energy. I guarantee he planned on remaining so after any divorce.

Cutting him loose hurts initially a whole lot. I remember comparing it to losing a limb, except I had to do the cutting!

Imagine my surprise when the limb grew back. It won't take long for you to see some benefit.

This man has been an absolute bloodsucker on your energy. I guarantee he planned on remaining so after any divorce.

Cutting him loose hurts initially a whole lot. I remember comparing it to losing a limb, except I had to do the cutting!

Imagine my surprise when the limb grew back. It won't take long for you to see some benefit.

Can I just say that it is perfectly obvious to me that you are no ordinary person and have a great life waiting for you.

He's basked in your reflected glory for free long enough. Every moment you give him is unearned attention for him.

I will be so annoyed if you don't see how much potential you are wasting by sifting around the wreckage of a house fire instead of striding briskly off towards bigger and better.

Ugh, how would he do that? By having me desperately hang around? No way. I don't really think he thought he'd be cut off from the apartment. I am purging and keep finding stuff of his.

Wow, thank you. He did admit to like to telling people about me (which always made me think 'then why don't you act like you LIKE me more?').

I'm not wasting any more time. I keep seeing stories about people dying at my age or younger and life is short. I'm not going to waste mine moping about this guy.

I hope you are doing ok. I had a similar experience. My husband used the same "lines" to validate his actions. He played mind games and I drove myself nuts. I became a suspicious paranoid [censored], which was so unlike my personality. Well, now I'm in plan B and haven't spoken to him in a year. I think back about everything and regret all the snooping, investigating, going through his pockets, etc, etc. It all means NOTHING because we know what we know. Our GUT is our evidence. You know something is not right and you know he is "off track". That is all you need to know. He is a selfish [censored] and probably always was. It wasn't noticeable bec you were probably meeting his needs. As soon as the [censored] felt you weren't meeting all his needs, he said bye bye. Stop crying over him and get mad. His family needs to know how selfish and horrible he is. End of story.

So this is an issue in my marriage. My husband was unemployed/marginally employed and a stay-at-home dad for most of our marriage. Now that he has had an affair I am HUGELY resentful of it. I always thought it didn't matter that much, etc. But honestly, I want to have my financial needs met. I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom or only work on a consulting basis.

I have been very successful in my career and reached a high position at a young age, but honestly (and I know that this isn't very feminist of me) I DO want to be taken care of. One of the struggles that I have in considering reconciliation is that we'd have to move and he'd have to give up his job...which makes me feel like we are starting back at square one.

Wenang, I don't think his family cares enough to do anything about it. He is too lovable and their darling.

PigletWiglet, I hear you so much. He was JUST starting to make enough money to support me - and when I told him I didn't want to work anymore, it was a problem. He was hugely resentful of doing *all* the house work, but I wanted to come home and spend time together, not do laundry. Perhaps we should have brainstormed another idea while I was the breadwinner. We did our own stuff more the past year and that seems to work better.

That is one the things that frustrates me - a lot of the conflicts we had in the past had been resolved.

I will never support another man for as long as I live.

Luna alpha this is exactly the same as with me. My H is the eldest son and worshipped as a God...no kidding. I totally get it. That being said, I still told them about their son and the horrendous and selfish decisions he made. Maybe it sunk in a little, maybe not. I told his family, his friends, his co-workers. No one will look at him the same way again.

By the way Luna Alpha....he doesn't hate you, he hates himself. He knows you are better than him, that you are more responsible, and he doesn't measure up. I wish these men would get kicked in the you know where LOL

Yeah, I will admit I was glad I was brave enough to tell his family, grandmother and all. Even if they love and support him, the truth is still a small nugget out there in the Universe.

Made it through H's B day without a doing a thing on my part... no 'peanut butter pie', if you get the movie reference. It felt wrong-ish, but following the plan.

If you have a big day coming up or you feel you might break the plan, let us know in advance so we can support you through it.

I always turned a rough day into a festival of Indie - Plan B is only as much fun as you make it.

Well, Indie, at the risk of incurring the ire of people on this board, I am having a hard time with the whole thing.

As I've seen other people post to not make decisions in haste, I too am going back and forth. The problem is I still love my H and part of me wants him back. The other part wants to be free to try with someone new. I think that is normal. But I have to stand up for myself, even wanting my H back, or it will just get worse and worse. I never thought I'd see the day when he'd take another woman's side against me, and that has happened now twice. His words tell me that I'm impinging his rights to IB, which I am, because his IB is hurting me!

What I'm really mad at myself was for breaking plan B before. I feel like I gave away all the power I had finally won. I was so scared (that bad word) that I agreed to the divorce if he would just wait three months and not serve me immediately. I feel played, and that now he can tell everyone I've agreed to the divorce and he can take his wedding ring off and do whatever he pleases.

I should have hired that PI no matter what the cost until evidence was found and posted the person on cheaterville. Other readers, do exactly what they tell you here, or you'll have regrets like I do.

My copy of SAA came, so I can read that.

Now comes the big question of what to do with my life in plan B.

I'm not keeping the apartment in his town. It's too painful being there, and he failed his qualifiers and if he continues with the same people he is insisting on now, he will never pass them. So he won't be there in a year or two anyhow... school is over for him.

But enough about him.

So I can
A. Put my stuff in storage, and keep renting the room I'm in now. Now much room, but cheap, not a lot of distraction with nesting and all the painful marriage stuff is away from me until I can better deal with it. But no kitchen, not a lot of space.
B. Find an apartment in my school city. Expensive, more comfortable, but setting up a place is a lot of work and I'm afraid it would take away from what I'm trying to accomplish right now. Also not sure how long I'll be here. Eight more months for sure, possibly another year after that.

Also, I got an invite to interview for an exclusive writing group workshop where I worked this summer. If I move there after school, I'll have that group and the playwriting group I really like.

Or I can stay in my school state and try to get a TV writing gig that I thought was never going to happen because it would be bad for my marriage (Too long of hours).

Honestly, I could move anywhere in the country and there are lots of great options. It is terrifying.