|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
I would take him up on that offer. His resentment will fade once you learn to effectively meet his needs. And this leads me back to my other question: How can you effectively meet needs for a spouse who is withdrawn and resentful? I suggest recreational activities, but he doesn't feel like doing any. I try to start conversations, but he can't hold up his end because all he's thinking about is how I don't trust him or care about his feelings.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
"I care very much about your feelings for another woman. It makes me anxious that you have developed them." This is essentially what I've been saying for MONTHS. He counters with "it hurts that you don't trust me" and "you don't want me to have any friends".
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
If he places this "friendship" before your marriage, Dr Harley would tell you to separate from him, before it destroys your marriage entirely. Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you, and it is already beginning. The fact that he wants you to lose at his expense demonstrates a freeloaders approach to marriage that won't sustain a marriage.
I have no doubt he is as thoughtless in other areas of your marriage. Oh my goodness I wish I had internalized all this when I got here back in '05! Instead I dragged my kids through an increasingly thoughtless marriage for 4 more years. You and your H can develop a marriage of mutual care though! What UA do you two have planned for this weekend? I hope so. He has been mostly refusing to make plans with me, but we went out to eat a couple of times, and he played two board games with me. I've been trying to engage him in conversation, but what's on his mind are his negative feelings towards me and it's hard for him to keep up a conversation about anything else.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
How many hours do you spend together in UA time weekly?
You need to try to spend 20 hours doing things you both enjoy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Well, he says that if he has to choose between her and me, of course he will choose me, but he feels extremely resentful towards me for making him lose his friend. I would take him up on that offer. His resentment will fade once you learn to effectively meet his needs. Oh yes, run with this!! Is he still in communication with this woman?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
Is he still in communication with this woman? Yes. She works near him, and is accustomed to stopping in to chat sometimes. He refuses to tell her anything outright, and she is young enough to not think anything is wrong with a friendship with a married man (I thought the same thing at her age, before everyone I knew got divorced). He has promised to not seek her out for chats, and to be distant and end any conversations if she comes by his office, but he has "fallen off the wagon" a few times. He tells me when he does chat with her, and for how long.
Last edited by needsomuchhelp; 10/20/14 10:55 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Have you asked him to leave this job?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
How many hours do you spend together in UA time weekly?
You need to try to spend 20 hours doing things you both enjoy I have been trying, but since we've had the strife over this, he hasn't wanted to do much, and sometimes bad feelings overcome whatever good conversation we're having.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
Have you asked him to leave this job? That's not a possibility at all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Have you asked him to leave this job? That's not a possibility at all. Why?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 27 |
Have you asked him to leave this job? That's not a possibility at all. Why? It just isn't. Again, I am really uncomfortable giving away details in a public forum. In fact, I really appreciate all the help you guys have given me, but I kind of wish I could delete my whole thread. Is there a way to do that?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
needso much help,
I don't think you are being entirely honest.
You just edited your previous post and removed the part about him being REQUIRED to interact with her since they have meetings together.
I think you are downplaying the seriousness of this and that if you are unwilling to ask him to leave the job your marriage will not survive
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I really appreciate all the help you guys have given me, but I kind of wish I could delete my whole thread. Is there a way to do that? Not really. I think the real problem here is not that it is impossible for him to change jobs, but simply that he won't. And you know he won't. And you're not going to rock the boat in hopes that you can hold on to your marriage. But your marriage is already slipping through your fingers. You need to boldly stand up for it. You need to hold the bar high, and tell him that if he wants to keep you, he needs to meet your expectations. Only then does your marriage have any chance.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I agree. Timidity and walking on eggshells is the plan here and is going to be your downfall.
I mean your whole purpose for being here is "how do I make him see it is reasonable for me to ban his putting me in competition with other women?"
Who the hell cares whether he agrees?
The fact is it is your standard and one he agrees to and you expect him to do it without sulking and deliberately making your life unpleasant.
I don't think it will be too long before he starts talking about separation and divorce because you are too easy to scare into compliance. It won't take long for him to figure out how to unnerve you.
Then he gets his 'friend' and keeps you too.
I urge you to snoop now and I double urge you to snoop if he ups the ante and withdraws even further or makes threats.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
Welcome to MB
How long have you been married and do you have any children with your husband?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
It is not reasonable to think that he is behaving this way for a mere friend who he chats with on short breaks at work. Watching his wife have depression, hearing her voice ongoing complaints without accommodating or addressing those in any way, sulking around and giving his wife the cold shoulder for just the suggestion that he discontinue contact with this 'friend'....
This is the behavior of a man who is addicted to another woman, whose mind is in an affair fog.
Please tell me you realize this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
As far as your thread. The information you have provided is:
1) husband having inappropriate relationship with work OW
2) husband in fog and not interested in cutting off contact with OW
3) husband has job, and works with OW, and cannot leave job (so you believe, for whatever reason)
This generic information pretty much sums up 50% or more of the threads on here. Nobody cares whether your husband is the president, a famous actor, or a secret agent. The laws of relationships and affairs apply in EVERY situation, as does Dr Harley's advice.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
It is not reasonable to think that he is behaving this way for a mere friend who he chats with on short breaks at work. Watching his wife have depression, hearing her voice ongoing complaints without accommodating or addressing those in any way, sulking around and giving his wife the cold shoulder for just the suggestion that he discontinue contact with this 'friend'....
This is the behavior of a man who is addicted to another woman, whose mind is in an affair fog.
Please tell me you realize this. The poster knows this. She edited a post where she explained that he was concealing the amount of time he spent with the OW. She has apparently chosen the "Bury Your Head in the Sand" method for dealing with this workplace affair.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,171
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,171 |
***EDIT***
Last edited by Toujours; 10/23/14 09:36 AM. Reason: Non MB advice
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
I respectfully disagree wannabophim. That can be the case but I don't think so here. Only because he has told the OP that he 'gets on better with women' and is going to make a concerted effort to make female friends.
Even if she met every need there is to meet, he actually plans on having a variety of women meet his needs anyway. Also, while he is allowing the OW to meet a need, Needso isn't able to. I mean she could try to admire him for example, but she would still have to make complaints as a part of normal married life, whereas OW is free to be nothing but admiring.
She could look at if she does meet his needs properly later on but the priority first of all is to get rid of OW.
It is not a lack of needs causing the problem here, it is a lack of boundaries with women.
Even in a perfect marriage, an OS friendship is a danger.
Last edited by indiegirl; 10/23/14 07:51 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
978
guests, and
67
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
