Hello,

My wife and I waited to have sex until our wedding night. We had both talked about it a lot and we were both very excited for it. We both thought we would love it.

As it turned out, it was uncomfortable for her and after two months became painful. She neglected to tell me this until it had been three months. Since she told me I have gone very slow, halfway, in one position.

It has now been 14 months and absolutely nothing has changed except we have sex less frequently. It is still very slow, still halfway, still one position and only for about 60 seconds before I have to pull out because it's uncomfortable. I also cannot hit on her most of the time because she feels like it might go towards sex and she starts to play the what if game (what if I am not ready, what if I displease him, etc). We have had about 20 fights because of this. She is afraid of passionate sex. I can't talk about what I want to be different. She wants to be the perfect wife and if I tell her what she is doing is not completely satisfying me it obliterates her desire to engage in anything sexual at all.

We have seen three therapists. The one we saw last week has seen us several times and ended up telling my wife that she is controlling and her lack of allowing me to communicate is also wearing down our intimacy. My wife didn't take that well although I believe it's true. She doesn't like it when she is taking a shower and I come in the restroom. When we were first married she thought I was controlling because I wouldn't stay in our bedroom when she needed her hour of alone time (which was the only time we had together).

I am so desperate to fix this. I am a very loving and caring husband. I have tried to help her and to understand her and I've only brought up wanting to change sex twice and both times ended horribly. It is creating tons of unfulfilled bitterness and resentment. I've tried waiting the issue out. I've tried to take care of her needs without her taking care of mine to prove I love her and have absolutely no desire to make her feel uncomfortable or to make her feel any pain during sex. I've tried refusing her making me orgasm to prove that I am patient and don't want pleasure unless she can have it too. I've tried taking her up on every chance she gave me to orgasm to lessen the burden she feels when I don't. I don't know what to do. Sex really sucks and it is driving us apart. Please help me. Maybe I need a reality check? Maybe I need tips on making it good? I don't know. She has given up on sex being intense and intimate. She only wants safe, slow sex and only a little bit of it. I am out of ideas on how to fix this. Please, if you are reputable and have a good sex life and especially if you have overcome these kinds of issues help us.

Marmit,

You may want to send the Harleys an email, perhaps they will have you on their radio show, this is very serious.

BrainHurts, do you have links to the radio show on this topic.

God Bless
Gamma

I should also note that I am very attentive to her needs. I help out around the house, I always ask her how her day was and we talk a lot. I give her a lot of her love language. I'm not saying that to brag or to prove I deserve good sex, I'm only saying it because I would assume this was the problem if someone asked me this question.

I also plan a lot of dates (1-2 times a week). If they are too romantic she gets worried sex will come after it. I take a lot of time in foreplay (long 20-25 minute massages) before I touch any sexual area of her. I have tried every single thing I can think of.

The fights I mentioned have been fights for her but conversations for me. I will try to talk with her and I will have a very relaxed tone and amicable words and actions but she will think that I am yelling at her and that I hate her and feel a lot of anger towards her. Our therapist witnessed this and said that she didn't hear what my wife heard and that she thought I had her best interests at heart but my wife just pointed to me and said that I was yelling at her. Every time we talk about sex it gets worse. Even if I only whisper while holding her and listen a lot and only talk a little.

Also, if you have any sort of advice like, "If she isn't going to fulfill your needs you should split," then take your advice and your guilt elsewhere. I am never going to quit on my wife.

"Also, if you have any sort of advice like, "If she isn't going to fulfill your needs you should split," then take your advice and your guilt elsewhere. I am never going to quit on my wife."

I wasn't going to give you any such advice, but when I saw this rude comment, I decided to pass on making any suggestions. If you want to solicit opinions from volunteers, you might want to be a little more gracious. No one here is obliged to help you, we are all volunteers.

That was not a rude comment. And I don't want advice from anyone who would jump to divorce or unfaithfulness. I have no graciousness for anyone who would speak those words of death into my marriage.

You are very rude and I suspect you behave this way in your marriage. If you want help here, I would lose the snotty, entitled attitude. It won't help you here.

I am very careful in selecting my friends and in selecting what influences me. I wouldn't surround myself with friends who talked poorly about my wife and influenced me to leave my marriage. I wouldn't surround myself with people online who would either. Nothing about defending my marriage or my wife is entitled, snobby, or rude. You on the other hand have been pretty volatile. I'm sorry for whatever you have gone through.

Your very antagonistic, pre-assuming comments seem a little off to me.

Do you take hard positions (and presumptions) like this in other areas and force them on your wife?

The reason I ask is that women have a very hard time having sex with husbands who speak to them in that manner.

Why don't you do a quick google search for problems in sex and tells what you read? Over half the commenters usually prescribe such advice.

I have been vulnerable with you and in return you have attacked me. Clearly posting here was a mistake.

We are very careful about whom we choose to help on this forum. Your attitude is not going to get you much help here. And I suspect is at the root of your problem with your wife. Your wife does not like the way you approach her and I can see why. Your approach here is very offensive and I understand why she feels the way she does.

Well, to troubleshoot it's best to start with what might be the obvious and work your way back from there.

Sometimes your perspective of how you are speaking to her might totally differ from her perspective of how you are speaking.

A great example is this exchange.

I am sure you did not intend to be rude, but you were.

I was asking a fair, straight question but you took it to be rude.

Challenging your rude, obnoxious approach is not an "attack." It is something you need to change if you want help and if you want to resolve your marriage problems.

This is a canary in the coal mine that she does not feel safe in an intimate relationship with you.

You have indicated she feels attacked (in your opinion unjustly).

You cannot convince her to feel differently - feelings are the way they are. It is easier for you to ask her how can you communicate so she does not feel attacked than for her to not feel attacked with the way you currently communicate.

"The fights I mentioned have been fights for her but conversations for me. I will try to talk with her and I will have a very relaxed tone and amicable words and actions but she will think that I am yelling at her and that I hate her and feel a lot of anger towards her. Our therapist witnessed this and said that she didn't hear what my wife heard and that she thought I had her best interests at heart but my wife just pointed to me and said that I was yelling at her. Every time we talk about sex it gets worse. Even if I only whisper while holding her and listen a lot and only talk a little."

You are having the same problem here with us. Your wife tries to tell you she doesn't like your approach and you deny her reaction, saying you didn't mean it that way.

When someone tells you your approach is offensive, you can either choose to change it or you can choose to offend. You have chosen to offend here and it sounds like you do the same in your marriage. When you fight with your wife and offend her it is only natural she would not enjoy sex with you.

"The fights I mentioned have been fights for her but conversations for me"

CLUEBAT!

As a female, I can tell you it would be really, REALLY, R.E.A.L.L.Y hard to feel emotionally vulnerable (and physically intimate)again with your husband when your limitations in doing so has escalated into 20 fights.

There is a significant amount of damage here that needs to be recovered from.

You two have managed to make it worse than it already was. You are the ones being rude and making pre-found assumptions. Instead of helping anything you have called me rude, a entitled, snobby, insinuated that you know how I talk to my wife better than myself and a therapist, wrote down a cluebat emoticon indicating that I am an idiot, and have told me that you will not help me because I told you not to tell me to leave my wife.

I have not called you any names, not told you anything mean, yet you have attacked me and my marriage. You are incredibly out of line. Clearly my marriage will not be helped by either of you.

See if anything in this article makes sense to your situation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

Note this quote:

"He may not be abusive every time he makes love, and he may be very sensitive on almost every occasion. But whether his abuse is frequent or infrequent, his wife is likely to associate the unpleasantness of his abuse with the sex act itself. After a while, she finds the act extremely unpleasant, and tries to avoid it if she can. "

It is very possible that your wife has begun to associate the unpleasantness of the 20 fights plus the other conversations she perceived as attacks (and given your bellicosity here, perhaps she has more grounds than you give her credit for) with a fear of having the sex act itself with you.

Anger outbursts are defined as words that hurt another person - not necessarily shouted words. They can be whispered words.

If you had 20 fights over sex in your short marriage, then by your own description you have hurt her, with your anger over sex, far too often.

Have you read Dr. Harley's description of LoveBusters?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html