Hi everyone.

I'm new here but wish I had read some of the materials/seen some of the signs earlier. I found out for sure that my wife is having an affair with her boss. I first suspected something 6 months ago, when I saw some texts from her that were not work-appropriate and EA type texts. She explained it away by claiming that they were just friends, he was gay and came out to her (he's married with two kids) and that he's miserable because he can't come out to his family (very religious), etc. I foolishly bought this all.

We went to marriage counseling for 5 months but made little progress. Now she's decided that she wants a divorce and that's when I came back to the idea that she's cheating on me with him. Sure enough, I found proof when I started looking (for instance, after I looked through her email, she put a passcode on her iPad that's his birthday!). Apparently his wife also suspected something because I found out that she has some proof (this proof is with her attorney, so I don't quite know what it is but it's apparently unequivocal. I'm working on getting access to it but it may take a few days).

Here's the current situation. WS and the OM (her boss) are at a conference overseas (and no doubt getting it on). She comes back tomorrow night. I want to expose this to her family and friends. I will hold off on the work exposure for now, because it will cause a sh*tstorm with the likelihood that one or both will get fired, but that's coming. What I don't know is the right timing of the non-work exposure.

Do I confront her when she gets back, tell her that she has to tell her family/friends or that I will? Or do I tell them all before she gets back into the country? This second approach may cause her friends/family to reach out to her and she'll circle the wagons with the OM on the way back from the airport � she's very much in the fog � and I won't be able to get any additional proof. If I tell her that I know and I'm going to expose, she may try to "poison the well" and tell her friends/family that I will tell them shocking lies about an affair because I'm upset, etc.

My thought it to tell her immediate family (mother and sister, whose opinions she cares about very much) and a few of our mutual friends who I know can be trusted before she comes back. That way she can't pre-empt that exposure and it won't seem like I'm just lashing out because I'm hurt/spiteful (which is what she would tell them if she knew I was going to do it). But then I will wait a day or so to tell other family/friends, after I tell her that I know and that the truth is coming out. Then she may reach out to the OM and I can get audio of it, further collaborating my evidence.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. At this point, I'm not even sure I want to try to survive the A, but we have a long history and little kids, and she's plainly not thinking clearly about how she's destroying everything that she worked so hard to build (job, family, etc.). I hope the exposure will shatter this fantasy that she's built up and let reality start seeping in through the cracks.. I just want to make sure I do this in the most effective way possible.

I would drop the nuke while they are on the trip. This way you control the story. I would put the OM's wife, your children and the workplace at the TOP of your list and then follow up with friends and family. This way they won't be able to do damage control.

I would follow the exposure tactics on my exposure thread. We have found those to be the best practices. I would not suggest a trickle exposure, but a comprehensive one. A trickle exposure will backfire on you.

Thanks MelodyLane. The OM's wife knows (or at least her lawyer does, he has additional proof). The kids are too young, they are 3. I am hesitant about the workplace because of the fact that the OM is the WS's supervisor and it will ruin both their careers immediately and potentially result in legal action. I'm not averse to it, but want to give WS time to make other arrangements.

I agree that a trickle won't do it. I plan to hit all our friends and family, even those that don't yet know that we've been having trouble/separating. Also, the clergy at her place of worship, her friends in the neighborhood, etc. Any other tips/suggestions would be great. I read the exposure thread, I don't think I can hit the OM's friends, he's not on Facebook and the only contacts I have are professional ones, which I'm avoiding for now.

Thanks again.

Have you spoken to her and exchanged information?



Gotcha. The procedure is to give her 30 days to gracefully leave. That doesn't mean 30 days to DECIDE, but 30 days to give her notice and get out of there regardless of whether she has another job or not. If she doesn't agree to give her notice on day one, you should expose at that time.

What will ruin their careers is their reckless and professionally irresponsible behavior in the workplace. That is about as unprofessional as it gets. I understand and agree you want to give her a chance to back of there, but if her career is ruined, it is because of her own professional misconduct.


You would want to add the OM's wife, his parents, and any friends you know about. The OM's wife can be your greatest ally and I would establish contact with her. Having 2 people watching from both ends will reduce the risk of a resumption of the affair.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I would give serious consideration to exposing in the workplace NOW. Since he is her supervisor, the most probable source of a lawsuit would be you suing them. Your marriage is more important than giving your WW an undeserved soft landing. There are more ways for this to turn out badly for you if you delay exposure than there are if you don't. Your marriage has the best chance if these affair partners return to find a crater where their jobs used to be.

Exactly this: for exposure to work and be effected you must do a full all out exposure all at once. Not only must a full work place exposure be done before they come back from their trip you need to copy and paste all of the OM's FB friends list and expose them as well.

Delaying a full exposure or allowing a them a soft landing by not doing a work exposure will not bring pressure to end the affair.

If you are placing WW's job ahead of the marriage that is a bad sign. It says that your priorities show's that you do not place a high value on your marriage. No well being of a job should come before the well being of a marriage.

I definitely agree that this is unprofessional. I worry a bit about exposing right away without giving her time to find something else, because it will make it much more difficult and she's spent her entire life getting to the point where she is now. It was undoubtedly stupid for her to do this, but if there's a chance of reconciling, I am not sure I want to put the final nail in the coffin of her career. Maybe I still have a soft spot for her, but that's my thinking at the time. But I like the idea of telling her that she has to give notice and find something or I will expose.


I just ordered the book, and going to read it. The bigger question for me is whether I want to reconcile. This was a big breach of trust and I'm not sure I can get over it.

With respect to the OM's wife, she likely knows, but I haven't contacted her � in part because she has counsel (and I'm an attorney and worry a little bit about stepping outside of the ethical guidelines for attorneys that usually don't permit contact with represented parties). I'm sorting this out with my attorney and her attorney, but I agree that being on the same page as her will be helpful.

Part of the problem is that I haven't laid my hands on this tangible evidence yet. The OM's wife hired a PI and he apparently got good evidence but because of the attorney issues, I haven't seen it yet. So I don't know that I can say how damning it is.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this. Keep 'em coming.

I thought about this (I'm an attorney). I don't think I could actually sue them. There's no cause of action against him for "alienating her affection" in my state. The only lawsuits could be by her co-workers, because she was promoted at some point, or maybe by her against him for sexual harassment � but she's unlikely to do that if she' s "in love" with him.. I guess I'm putting her career up there though, I know that it could ruin her reputation completely, and I guess she would deserve it.. but I guess I still have a bit of a soft spot for her..

Tough tough choices. I appreciate your thoughts � keep them coming, they will undoubtedly help me figure this out.

My other concern is that I don't have the hard proof yet. Apparently the OM's wife's attorney has it � she hired a PI to tail them at the conference and apparently got good things (the PI said it was "in the bag" but couldn't give me the details since I was not the client). So there's hard evidence, but I don't have my hands on it yet. That was one of the reasons to try to wait.. But keeping a poker face if she's back is going to be really hard, and exposing while she's on the plane and can't do damage control would be really powerful.

I am supposed to hear from the attorney tomorrow as to whether she can share the info with me and to what extent.. I guess that will affect the calculus.

Appreciate all the help. Thank you. This is not a situation I ever thought I would find myself in, so I am thankful for the support.

Welcome to MB sorry you have to be here under these painful circumstances.

How long have you been married? How many kids? Only the three year old?

So the OM doesn't know that his BW has evidence from a PI?

Rusty,
Sorry for all that you are going through. And I hope that you are doing okay while she's overseas with her boss. Very tough.

I agree with those who say expose it now in the workplace. You have a chance to blow this thing out of the water, and that is your best shot at saving your marriage. Normally, I agree with the 30 day waiting period, but not in this case. Quite frankly, I'd want my wife as far away from that workplace as fast as possible. Who cares about the job and career at this point. Gather your evidence fast and don't depend too much the other man's wife. She could be an ally, but she could also be a hindrance in that she may seek to protect her husband. Just be careful.

Married for a bit over 8 years, together for almost 14. Three year old twins (which hadn't made the last three years particularly easy, and probably contributed to some of the problems we were having).

The OM does not yet know that his BW has evidence. I don't think he knows she has an attorney either. I am trying to get more details from her attorney about her plans and the evidence.

Thanks for the kind words!

You don't need an attorney to contact her and shouldn't put this off any longer. This is not a legal matter. Please don't make this more complicated than it should be. We have several other attorneys on this board and they would tell you the same thing. Exposure to his wife is the kingpin of exposure and there is absolutely no reason to delay. You don't know what she knows and vice versa.


This is another good reason to contact her immediately. You can exchange your intel. .

Yeah, I think I will try to reach out to her. I don't have her contact info, only an address. I guess I can write her a letter or I will search harder for her phone number (maybe ask her lawyer, as you're right, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to talk to her).

I imagine if she hired a lawyer and a PI, she now knows what's going on. But it would be good to coordinate strategy in terms of the biggest impact of exposure.

I would hold your cards a little closer to your vest on exposure.

If she senses it will be exposed, and at work, she may not cooperate since her household income may be jeopardized.

I'd just coordinate with her on getting info for now.

Once you have it, then coordinate exposure - or not.

Can you find her phone #? What about driving to her home and knocking on her door?

Yes you must coordinate with the OMW. Drive to her house today while the OM is away on his business trip.

Your wife is destroying everything you have built up...family, career, friendships, etc. She's going to rewrite history and portray you as the "bad guy" who drove her to it. Believe me, that will be her story. I understand that by exposing to her workplace, you will be jeopardizing 2 careers ( her and her boss), however, she didn't give you a choice. Yes she will be furious, but it's her own fault. You are just doing the necessary steps to save your marriage. Your kids are of utmost importance and you need to do everything in your power to keep the marriage in tact...for their sake as well as the both of you and everyone else in the family. When you expose, tell her family everything. Tell her family you will do everything in your power to save your marriage. Hopefully, they will convince her to give you the chance to show her how wonderful a marriage you can give her with the MB plan. You both got off track, but you can get right back with effort. It's really all about giving it the effort.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread? Since they are coming back tonight, where are you at with exposure?