It is not an offshoot at all. I repeat, he has VERY poor boundaries around women. In fact, after reading what you just wrote, it appears more to me like he is actually out trolling for women. If he hasn't already had an affair, he is gunning for one with this behavior. It is totally unacceptable.

And the funny thing is last night he is saying how his high school girlfriend cheated on him and how horrible that was and he can't understand why people screw up good relationships. He then says he got lucky with me and got such a great thing in his life after all the other crappy relationships he went through.

So what are you going to do about this Mapper? Are you going to do some major snooping?

Your husband is a serial cheater. He hits on women and keeps an old girlfriend on the side, lying to you every step of the way. His disrespect and hurtful behavior are a disgrace, and you have to do something about it.

Make sure that you print and save or copy, past, and electronically file the messages that he sends to other women. Build your case, and then expose it to him, your family and friends, his family and friends, and his ex girl friends' family and friends.

My brother-in-law did the same thing, and my sister confronted him. He would stop and then go back at it again. Finally, he left the family and shacked up with one his Facebook girls. They are on their way to divorce.

Your marriage is doomed if he is not confronted and won't treats this addiction to women.

I remember my husband saying this all the time before his affair. When we get cheaters on here they say it too. It's all how they know cheating is so wrong but they are better friends with the OW than their wife or OW meets their needs better. One crackpot even said it 'must be love' if he was willing to break his moral code for the ho. Dr H says that typically affairs happen to people who believe they would never do such a thing. They believe it so absolutely they take no measures to avoid, or even actively seek out, the pleasures of temptation believing they can resist it. But actually, once past that point they cannot.



He is actively trolling for affairs I'm afraid.

It will be a miracle if he has not been in one already. This may explain his hyper critical attitude. Many cheaters tell themselves their spouses are just not cutting it and it is their fault.

Learn how to snoop like a bloodhound. I would also tell your husband that unless OS friendships end he will likely be looking at a separation. You don't have to persuade him or do anything immediate. Just let him know.

Of course he doesn't see it as criticizing, he sees it as "helping" me. He'll ask me to cook for a change because he's tired so I'll try to come up with something simple, yet he can't stay out of the kitchen and feels the need to come in and oversee how I'm doing and almost always feels the need to do something. He'll ask me to drive back from a long trip because he's tired yet a 1/2 mile down the road he's already critiquing my driving. We played this Fantasia video game last night where you have to move your arms to the music. I looked like an idiot from the start and he couldn't just let me have fun but instead told me to do it a certain way. He eventually said "This is just hard to watch you" because I was doing so poorly. Then I said "Well here's another thing I suck at" and he goes "Oh it's going to be another one of THOSE games huh?" Meaning it's one where I'm going to pout because I can't do well. No it would be a lot of fun if you would just keep your mouth shut and have fun. I don't need or want a lesson...it's a VIDEO GAME!!!!!!! I know I look like an idiot playing it but I don't care. What angers me is that you feel the need to assess every move I make. Then he said "Oh poor honey" very patronizingly. I bet if he sat next to me at my job, which he knows nothing about, after 5 minutes he'd say "Why are you doing it like that? There must be an easier way." And you know what? We played this dance game about a month ago and I did better than him on that and after one song he goes "This is stupid" and turned it off. He hasn't played it since. Yet anything he's better at me at we have to play again and again. I even said to him when I did better than him at that one game that he needed to get down a little lower at one part and he immediately told me to be quiet. I tell you ONE thing and you tell me to be quiet yet you seem to feel free to tell me over and over all the things I could do better!

I'd love to have a hobby, but I have no idea what I could do since he would either think it's silly or else come and tell me that there's a better way to do it. If I decide to join some group out of the house he would probably be upset that I was gone. I wouldn't join a group anyways because I'm too unsure of myself as it is and automatically think that everyone in the group would think me odd or wonder why I joined when I'm not very good at it.

I used to be so happy with myself. I know that I am a simple person. I am college educated, but I don't want for much in life and I'm not necessarily into the "cool" stuff like my husband is. He likes heavy metal and motorcycles and guitars and sci fi. I like country and gardening and reading and even watching the occasional reality tv show. He will make fun of my choice of music and tv. I always make sure my country station is turned to his rock station before I get out of the car so if we happen to go somewhere together he won't get in and hear country and make fun of it. If I am watchign a reality show on tv while he's out, I make sure that I have the previous station set as Comedy Central or something that he would like to watch so that as soon as he walks in the door I switch it over so I don't have to hear "Why are you watching that reality tv garbage?"

I wish I could do something 10 times better than him but I can't think of one thing. He has a critique for almost anything I do. I'm tired of feeling like crap due to him "helping" me. What can I say to him to "help" him and see how much he likes it? Or at least not feel so crappy after he critiques me every move?

Threads merged.

Please stick to one thread so that other posters can help you better.

I am SO SO SO sick of his sarcastic comments about me talking to some made up "other" boyfriend! I have never ever given him any reason to think I even know any other guys much less talking to any one. Whenever he comes in the room and I'm on the laptop, he'll come up behind so he can see the screen and he'll look at it and see I'm on some site like the local news or the weather and he'll go "What are you doing? Emailing your boyfriend?" Um yes that is EXACTLY what I'm doing as you can see from the weather.com website I'm on! If I'm on the computer in the computer room and he's out watching tv he'll come in and damn near scare me by saying "What are you doing?". If I simply pick up my phone to see if I've had a call or message he'll go 'Oh checking to see if your boyfriend called?"

I am really really tired of this. My usual retort to him is "Yes I'm actually talking to 2 of my boyfriends" because his sarcasm is so out of left field. The only "bad" thing he's ever going to find on my computer are sites I go to to discuss how upset HE makes me. Trust me, there are no dating sites or other guys!

From the thread Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders

The problem with living together before, as you two did, is that it usually brings a host of bad relationship habits into the marriage. If you both learn the habits of a Buyer, you can turn this marriage around; otherwise, I'm afraid you're in for more of the same.

MB is a set of principles and RULES for marriage. If you both follow the rules, you are guaranteed to enjoy a great marriage. I'm sure you are extremely hurt and frustrated by your H's thoughtlessness, and this forum is a place where we attempt to help create a PLAN to create a great marriage.

I suggest that you start reading through the thread I linked for you, all the basic concepts and any articles relevant to your situation. Start listening to the radio show. Present the MB plan to your H and see if he'll join you. You will need to learn new habits as well. If he refuses, Dr. Harley recommends separation, because staying isn't going to change anything but withdraw more love units day by day from his account in your love bank.

H posted a video on Facebook where we were playing an interactive video game and he was calling me sweetie and honey and since he posted it to his wall, good ole Jen will see it and see that we are still together!

This got me thinking back to an old boyfriend from about 15 years ago. He had an ex (coincidentally named Jenny!) who he was still friends with, but they were ACTUALLY friends! He would talk to her and not keep it a secret from me. She was dating someone else and all 3 of them were friends. She would come to get-togethers with her boyfriend and there was no secrecy that they used to date. This didn't bother me in the least. The fact that H is still "friends" with Jen but it is all secret contact bothers me. He "likes" damn near everything she puts up on Facebook, but you know I have never once seen a "like" from her on his page. Is she THAT secretive about it? I mean other women post likes to things he puts up and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the fact that he secretly messages girls.

Mapper,

Are you listening to anything that is posted to you?
Have you read the articles on this website?

Mapper, the MB forum is a place where posters can get help with creating a great marriage; it's not a place to blog. There are plenty of places on the Internet to blog.

If you would like help with your marriage, please start by responding to posters' questions and suggestions.

What have you done so far with the information you have received so far on your thread?

The fact that he wants you to accept his female friends as a condition of your marriage is a huge red flag. I lived it myself. I put up with his Calls to one of them, her visits to our home, and I foolishly saw it as old friends catching up, as I was included. Well, years later the old old Jr. Hi GF came slithering in, and I wasn't told about her re-emergence. We were separated due to his out of town
job. Rocked my world! I didn't take it lying down. I called her, told her what she was in my mind, a ho, void of a moral compass, anything I could think of. Her 22 year old daughter eavesdropped on one of our conversations, so she went crying to her brothers and Dad about my accusations. She actually called me and said I ruined her life! LOL. Sit down on her and state your claim. Dr Harley says confront the OM, I say confront the OW, without asking her for the lies she will feed you. If your WH has told you anything showing her in a negative light, repeat it back to her. She will feel betrayed by him and crack the fantasy. Never show weakness to her, be above her, since they always affair down. I actually told OW, to slither back up her own driveway because she couldn't carry my makeup case, much less ever look as good as I did. It was the truth, and I'm no great beauty. Good luck, find your voice! GF