Rusty,
I totally understand how you feel about your wife. We've all been there. My wife left me and our two girls to be with a multimillionaire in Malaysia. She converted to Islam for him. (As a devout Catholic, that was very hard for me.) They were this close to tying the knot (we were divorced by this time) when she snapped out of it. By that point, I wanted nothing to do with her, and I was revulsed by her. But vows being vows, I gave recovery a shot, and now I am so thankful that God gave us a second chance. We are has happy as we could ever be and so are our children. I can't imagine it any other way. I never thought, when I was at your stage of this, that recovery was possible.

It's too early to give up hope, my friend.

Rusty, Plan B means you are separated, which you are not. I would just hang tight right now. I know you have been through the mill, but the best way to alleviate resentment is to create a great marriage. If you don't do that, I assure you that your resentment will linger. You JUST EXPOSED so the affair is on the downslide. You have really wrecked her future with the OM because now if she ends up with him, it will be an open admission to the affair.

The reason I keep pushing you to contact the OMW is so you can get his parents contact information and call them up. See, they have been LYING to his family about how your WW is "getting divorced" and this is his new girlfriend. They might feel very different if you call and tell them their scummy son is shagging a MARRIED WOMAN.

That will RUIN their plans to quietly end their marriages and quietly EASE the new person into replace their spouse.

You simply MUST expose to his family. That is too important of an opportunity to ignore. EVEN IF YOU DECIDE TO END THE MARRIAGE!!

I think you're right in a lot of respects (although this was not just an EA but a full-on PA, which is was awkward to realize).

Did your husband eventually come back of his own volition?

I think I may have to let her go at this point. If she wants to come back, we can revisit things (no door is ever fully closed) but that would have to be once she clears her head and gets out of the fog.

No, the divorce is already turning hostile. And I haven't even heard about her job yet. I'm sure we will have to be civil in front of the kids, but that will be the extent of it.

Thanks JT3OU. This is reassuring. But it sounds like you were in the same stage as I am when she came around -- ready to move on with your life. That's what I'm doing now. If she snaps out of it after the divorce and wants to come back, I'll reconsider things and may give it a shot. But like your wife, my WW will have to fire the first shot on that one.

Hope springs eternal, of course.

Rusty, are you reading my posts or am I talking to a wall?? What about the OMW??

You are making a strategic mistake here because you don't understand her mindset or understand the impact of what has just happened. You have just struck a massive blow to the affair that is very likely to dissipate her fog. But you have to WAIT for this all to play out.

See, now that the affair is exposed you have ruined their plans because you have wrecked the fantasy. You have brought in a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. They are FURIOUS you have done that and are busy trying to do damage control. But everyone can see what they are really doing, and this will ruin their crack high. They are trying to protect that high with all their might right now, but it won't work. As the affair crumbles, her fog will dissipate and then she will be motivated to come back to the marriage.

All you need to do is sit back and wait and watch while the affair crumbles before you. You can help that free fall down the stairs by calling the OM's parents and informing them of this affair. That will be a huge blow to the affair.

Yes, I think I've achieved this purpose with the exposure for which I'm grateful.


I will make an effort to reach out to her. The phone I had for her was a fax line, so I may drive by her place tonight, since I know OM will be away at dinner.

YOU need to clear the fog by exposing the affair properly. That is the WHOLE POINT OF EXPOSURE!! Her fog is not going to magically lift by magic fairy tootle dust. An alcoholic does not wake up one morning and magically see the error of his ways. An addicted adulterer is just the same. YOU must do everything in your power to bust up the fog.

You have not done that.

Go there! PLEASE! You can exchange information and get his parents contact info. Don't put this off any longer, my friend.

MelodyLane, I am waiting! I am being nice to her (but not so super fake nice as to freak her out) and I'm offering to help, etc. If the affair starts to crumple, that will be great.

I am also trying to crack her fantasy that she gets to keep the house and live there like nothing has happened.

So I am waiting. And I will try to get the OM's parents contact info (if they're still alive) to hasten the cracking.

She was supposed to meet with the head of her group today, I don't know how that went but it may have put another crack into things or gotten them to lie even more and entrap themselves.

But I'm not telling her I want her back -- I think at this point, this just pushes her further and freaks her out. And I'm making plans for myself, seeking out friends and support and trying to move on mentally. Whatever happens, I will deal with it.

I would plan on exposing to his parents and any family members as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the less effective it will be. You have them on the ropes but they are regaining strength.


Just let her know you want the marriage and won't cooperate with any divorce schemes. Tell her also you won't be leaving and will be going for primary custody of the kids. She needs to know a) you will recover the marriage if she ends her affair and b) you won't roll over in any divorce.

But get this exposure done asap so you can move onto next steps!!!

I've exposed to everyone that I could realistically do it. Her family is enabling her, because they don't care (I've overheard her mother say they will support her "affair or no affair") and her closer friends have also rallied around her after she spun this as me being paranoid. And I can't yet do full work exposure without actual photo proof. Even then, I don't want to risk losing any amount of custody because I ruined her economic potential and sabotaged her job.

I will reach out to OMW and see what I can do there.

It seems clear to me that WW is going through with the divorce. I think the fog will start to clear once she realizes she has to sell the house, move into a dumpy apartment by herself and maybe once she starts living with him and realizes it's not all roses. In the meantime, I will do what I can to bust the fantasy, but I will also start moving on with my life.

That's an interesting point about custody. I think I will tell her that I'm going to fight for primary custody. Thanks! At the very least, it will strengthen my bargaining position.

Yes Rusty in some respects in order to break up the affair you have to be brave enough to go all the way, deal with your own fears and excuses and be willing to let go of your marriage as it stands today. Let everyone know of the present state of your marriage as a result of the affair. Exposure is the lighting the match and watching it all go up in smoke. Its like getting through a natural disaster or tragic accident. But its out of the ashes you begin again. You are preparing your family for a healthier tomorrow. Its all the uncertainty right now that makes it so anxiety provoking and has you second guessing and catastophizing.

My husband would not have returned to the marriage if I had not stood up for our marriage. So in time his heart and mind returned. It was a choice we both had to make.

One of the analogies Steve Harley gave me during a coaching session:

He was discussing following the MB plan of recovery. He talked about piloting a plane. He said in certain conditions it can be very easy to get turned around. (such as where you are at) In training pilots are taught NOT to follow there emotional reactions but to follow the instruments.

Basically he is saying in this situation (affair) to follow the recovery plan. If you lose your bearings come back to the plan.

We are all trying to keep you on task to follow this plan. After you have been around here awhile you see the same thing over and over. What works and what fails. There are many that will say "I wish I'd not cherry picked the plan" or I "wish I'd done a better job of exposure" and so on. You learn how vital it is t follow the plan.

There are also adults on here who have cheated or been betrayed who will talk about their own parents and how their parents own adulteries affected their lives and what they would have liked to have learned much earlier in their lives.

Right now it would help if you could just decide to slow down your counter response to your wife's affair and simply wait and watch. Follow through and talk w/POSOMs wife.

I won't argue with you whether an EA is worse then a PA or whatever. But there are many here that will say the emotional connection to the other person whether EA or PA or both is the harder thing to witness from your wayward spouse.

Good deal. There are huge opportunities here. And even though her family are enablers, it still hurts her affair bringing it out into the open. Now she can't pretend this is anything other than a sleazy affair. And have you given her parents the evidence?


It is not clear at all. She is about as "clear" in her plans as a falling down drunk. Her feelings will change daily and it will REALLY start changing over the next few weeks as her affair crumbles. Her affair won't survive reality.


Exactly! And it will really burst the fantasy when the OM's parents find out she is a married woman who is having an affair. Many parents wouldn't allow her in their house.

I have told them about the evidence (and they saw the webpage). I even told her mother about the soiled panties but I don't think that makes a difference. If anything, sending the email to all her relatives seems to have pissed off the WW's mother.



I'm certainly willing to wait. But i'm not going to sit around crying at home, I'm lining up friends to go out with and things to do. She will realize that my world does not end without her.


Maybe. They are able to spin quite a few things. And parents tend to love their kids unconditionally. But it will not help!

Rusty,

You wrote, I bet in a few years the OM will have another affair and WW will wonder what happened.

This is why you need to speak with OMW he likely has a history of doing this and you need to show your WW the ghosts of OMs past which will again be his future.

That OM would assault your children like this is more than enough motivation to put him out of work, and destroy his professional reputation.

God Bless
Gamma

ok, good. You have done everything you can at this point.

nooooo, don't go out with friends!!! Work on being a great husband and father. You don't the distraction of friends. You need to present the image of a great married man. MARRIED MEN don't run around with friends.


Some parents just don't care so they will ENABLE their child's bad behavior. I am sorry to hear her parents don't give a rip about her. That is sad. We have had some wonderful, caring parents over the years who stepped in and actually STOPPED their child's affair.

If my son behaved in a such a low down, trashy manner, there would be hell to pay. I care too much for my son to sit by like a mindless tomato while he destroys his life. That is what your WW's parents are doing. THEY DON'T CARE.

Rusty,

You wrote, If anything, sending the email to all her relatives seems to have pissed off the WW's mother.

The value of exposure is not at all obvious to the general public, and was a strange concept to me when I first read about it on MB. So don't expect people to get it any more than they enjoy bitter medicine.

One of the things exposure often does do is either kill the affair or speed up the divorce, what it usually does not do is allow the broken marriage to go on for years and years.

God Bless
Gamma

That's right. You are still married, and you must play the part until you are divorced.

Rusty, when you have completed exposure and you wait for your wife to exit the fog, you should still demonstrate that you love her and find ways to show that you care. That's Plan A. If you do, when she exits the fog, she may want to recover the marriage and give you just compensation, which will help you heal and overcome the deep resentment of this affair.

My wife and I did not recover our marriage just because she left her POSOM and decided to come home. It recovered because I demonstrated through actions over the 14 months of our separation and divorce that I was a good husband and father. I did not give up on her in spite of her affair. Plan A was hard for me because of my anger. Most days the best I could do was say nothing and avoid angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. But there were those rare days where I would send her a message, write her a letter, or link to her a love song. She never responded, and I always felt the sting of rejection. My own 12 year old daughter told me to give it up. But I later learned that my efforts had an impact.

Plan A feels like farming without the harvest. But your actions actually yield a bounty. Even those who do not recover their marriages are glad they dedicated themselves to a complete Plan A. They become better future spouses and people through the process.

This is MarriageBuilders, and we stand strong for our marriages. And we are blessed for it. I hope you will commit to full Plan A.