Feeling a bit guilty for not being at the funeral today but it really would not have been good for me to be there. Sure he spun some terrible story about me to his family.

Ugh, packing some stuff and found our marriage builders exercises. We stopped filling out the UA worksheets in April. Makes me sad - if we had just keep going, perhaps things could be better. I know I had a part in all this.

On the other hand, he wrote that he wanted less of my conversation on reactions to things, but then on another part said I was dishonest when I didn't tell him I was upset. Huh? That seems like a contradiction.

Dr. H (son) thought we could work things out but H was just not interested and that is when things with other people really started ramping up. Sad, sad, sad. Hard knowing it is just such an unnecessary waste.

Lest you think I am wallowing, (five minutes, maybe), I did get my homework done and am working on my list of self-care for stuff I need to take tomorrow to make my life easier. I had the impulse to call him and ask for the zillionth time if he really would not change his mind. I did not do it. Yay me.

Makes me sad - if we had just keep going, perhaps things could be better. I know I had a part in all this.

I had the impulse to call him and ask for the zillionth time if he really would not change his mind. I did not do it. Yay me.

Leaving is actually the most respectful thing to do sometimes, which is an odd concept if you are naturally naturally buyer-y, but it's true.

I really don't think you did. I've never seen a clearer example of a freeloader/renter than your H. He could get motivated to change, but there's not much you could do against his previous mind set.

I've done this to myself too. I was a pretty angry wife, viciously eloquent and a hurtful person to be married to. I accept that it was appalling and no matter how much provocation I had it was flat out ugly. Early in Plan B I thought if I hadn't done that I could have prevented the A. But I couldn't because I had never chosen it. His IB did. I came to see that I never should have gotten angry over it, I should simply have left sooner. Leaving is actually the most respectful thing to do sometimes, which is an odd concept if you are naturally naturally buyer-y, but it's true. Working harder was the worst thing you could have done.

Good job getting rid of trigger stuff like that.

Thanks for sharing that. It is a new mindset to learn that leaving is the best, and the most respectful thing to do. To me it speaks of neglect, but I was the only one getting hurt really.

I'm pretty pissed at all the time, energy, money I put into this. I am trying to keep an attitude of gratitude and thanking my lucky stars that he behaved so absolutely terribly that even I couldn't take it anymore. I know what I did, and he would be nowhere without my help, even if he and his enabler family will not acknowledge it. So now at least I have a chance to see how awesome my life can be without him draining all my resources.

Having a feeling I'm going to be going for a lot of long walks until this anger dissipates!

It feels like sleep is an awful time to dwell too. Had a horrible dream last night. Been sleeping nine and ten hours a day. Must need it, but it feels like a hair too much.

Will keep the distractions up. Have lots of stuff I want to do and have to do, so that helps.

Thanks for the encouragement on making progress. I'm filling out my part of the paperwork and sending it off tomorrow, which is coincidentally the sixth year anniversary of us meeting. Feels appropriate somehow.

Been able to concentrate much better the last few days. I think the ADs are finally kicking in and I actually had a few hours of happy (felt euphoric in contrast to some of the recent times!). So that is a plus. A big plus actually...

My apartment is cheery and sunny in the mornings. I love it compared to the cold and damp place where my H and I lived.

I am so frustrated. I called the court to find out who to make the check out to for the response and found out that our case has been dismissed because basically I dragged my feet. I'll admit it, I did not want a divorce at first, but now after four weeks away and the experience last weekend, I want it more than anything I can think of.

I am so mad at myself. So mad! Now I'll have to depend on my IM getting him to write the judge a letter reversing the dismissal or simply filing all the paper work on my end and it is a big hassle. Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot.

My biggest nightmare is that he decides he doesn't want a divorce after all. I can't imaging that happening, except for spite. I wish it was over yesterday.

The clerk seemed to think it has to come from my husband.

I can try writing a letter just in case.

I don't have his SSN or DL number here so am a bit frazzled how I'll get this done. I don't want to wait two weeks until I am back in town again. Want this done before the end of the year so I can file my taxes as a single person....

You can't write a letter to a judge.
You would need to file a Motion with the court.
This is soemthing you should not even be dealing with in the early stages of Plan B and should simply direct your attorney to file the necessary paperwork to proceed with divorce.