Great news. I found out that the OM no longer works there. As I said before, when I exposed in the workplace, they ended up transferring him to another department, and also transferred my wife. Well I guess not long after they transferred him, something didn't work out, and he left. I know this is the case, because I have been using the verizon message app, and my wife's texts come right to my Ipad, and she has no idea. Anyways her and another coworker were talking about how nobody had seen him in 3 weeks, and then later, the other girl said someone told her that he no longer works there, and nobody knows what happened, or where he went. So, before I left to work this morning, I just asked my wife if she has seen him around at all lately(even though from the texts, I knew she hadn't) She told me that he doesn't even work there anymore, and she doesn't know anything about where he went.

Another thing that I discovered through the texts, that kind of bothers me, is after I did the work exposure, she said she did not see him around anymore. Well in the texts between her and her coworker, she said a couple months ago, after I had sent the email to his boss, she tried to say hi to him, just to see if he was bitter, and he turned the other way and walked off. Then she told her coworker that she had not attempted to say hi after that, and that he pretty much hates her guts.
The reason this bothers me, is it shows that she was still willing to reach out to him and test the waters. Even after all that we have been through. It also confirms to me what everyone said back in the summer. Without the workplace exposure, I have no doubt that things would have started right back up. That is what ultimately convinced me back in July, that it needed to happen, because I was already seeing signs of things starting again.

So, Where do I go from here? Right now I am tired, and I am not even the same person I was a year ago. I have absolutely no trust or faith in my wife. I am confident the affair is completely over, but still do not feel safe. Another thing that has bothered me lately, is I have been thinking a lot about whether or not I still even want to be married to her. I used to feel like we had a purpose and a plan. Everything seems broken. Even at work, I have no drive or desire to do better. I am completely drained.

Has she written a NC letter? What has been done from this list? Can you two get away for a vacation?


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You are experiencing triggers.
You need to implement the EP's above, which include her quitting that job(she will be triggered always). As you found out, why is she even talking about the OM to a co-worker, it sets your recovery back to day 1 in a sense? This should tell you that she still has a wayward mindset.

She will never quit her job.

She refuses to give up her 16 years of pension, and she could never make that much money working part time anywhere else. When I mention it, she acts like I am crazy, because we barely make ends meet as it is.

I told her that I dont care about money, and we could make it work, but she refuses. One day I mentioned it again, and she started crying, and said "I have done everything you asked, and your still not happy".

She says that if she quits her job, I will still be resentful. Part of me thinks she could be right.

That OM is gone from the workplace is GREAT!! I know it sucks that you found this information because WW asked a co-worker about OM but being that OM was still at the workplace was going to keep OM in her mind. I would not get stuck on her talking about the OM. His presence at the workplace was going to continue that dynamic. You now have confirmation he is gone!!

Have you considered taking some time off work? With the holidays coming up, that could be a good time for you and W to spend more UA time together..and give yourself a break. Wondering about workplace contact put stress on you. Anyone would be tired dealing with that.

I told my wife at lunch today, that I am still triggered when she is at work, and she was confused and said, "he is not even here anymore, why are you triggered"? I told her that when I am triggered I start thinking about everything that happened, and feel emotions and pain from the past. Like I will wonder how she could say she loves me and then lie right to my face over and over.

Over the past few months, we have done so much better at UA time, but during the week it is a lot more difficult, and that combined with the fact that she was at work(the place where all of this happened), I usually have one or two days where I am triggered and have a rough day. Once I work through that, the weekends are wonderful, and I actually feel closer and more in love with her on the weekend when we both try and spend lots for time, and pamper each other.

Basically my life is a roller coaster ride still. I go from extreme highs to extreme lows from one day to the next. I was triggered last friday, because is was the anniversary of DDay 1. I don't even know why that bothered me so much. I think it was the reflection of what a wreck my life has been the entire year since that date.

I just want to be able to trust her with my whole heart again. I never doubted her before all of this happened. In my eyes, she was the most honest, loving genuine person I had ever met. Now when I think of her, I see a sneaky,lying, unfaithful woman that I can't believe anything from.

Rough, I am not trying to minimize the trigger you feel from her workplace but she was working with the OM until just recently. When you asked her about OM, she was truthful. Give it some time. You just learned that POSOM is gone. With both of them still at the same workplace, you were not going anywhere in recovery since contact was a CONSTANT worry for you...no amount of UA was going to cure that either. This is why NC is paramount not just to affair proof the marriage but for the BS to avoid a nervous breakdown.

If you are still feeling severely triggered after the new year then you may want to revisit the issue but give yourself a break.

I like that advice. We are actually going on a family trip this weekend. I need to just have a great time and spend as much time with her as possible, and not bring any of this up at all. I am very glad that he is no longer working there. I feel so much better about things now, even though I know we are a long way from recovery, I feel like a major obstacle has been removed.

To answer brainhurts from earlier. Yes, she sent him a no contact letter, but there was a couple of incidents of contact since then, because of the fact they were still working so close. One of the incidents was when he stopped her in the hall and asked if I had calmed down yet? That really pissed me off. As far as everything else on the ending an affair list, we have done everything on the checklist.

Can you two get away for a vacation? Just the two of you? Dr. Harley recommends this alot when recovering from an affair.

We are trying to plan something. I do think it would be really good for us.

I have been working out the last couple weeks, and I am trying to work on myself. It is really hard for me to get over the feeling of not being wanted, and being tossed to the side.

Yes that is a tough feeling to get over. Have you thought about ADs to help you get through this tough time? Dr. Harley frequently recommends them. Just temporarily until you get through this stressful time?

I have been on AD's since June, which I know have helped, but it is still impossible not to think about things. I am going to try and be positive, and have a good weekend with my family.

And how much of that will be UA time? Why don't you concentrate on scheduling a fun date for you and your WW?

Well, we are traveling with the kids for the next four days, but I do plan on getting some UA time. Today is my daughters 18th birthday, and she will be with us on this trip, so we can definitely have her watch the kids a couple times while we get away.

I need to start keeping track of our UA time per week. I really have no idea exactly what it is. My wife and I have been talking about emotional needs the last few months, and We have been doing much better at some of them, compared to in the past.

We have really done better at recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, and affection, but I feel like my needs for conversation are not being met. When we have time to talk, I barely get a word in, and the whole time I have to hear about everything that is going on in her life, and at work. I do like hearing and knowing about those things, but I feel like I don't get to tell her about my life, and my job.

As far as Recreational companionship, she has really got out of her comfort zone, and done some of my hobbies with me, that she never has been willing to in the past 18 years, so that really means a lot to me.

Sexual fulfillment has never been better. She has been much more in tune to the importance of it, and how close it brings us, and I have felt so much more in tuned to her. I am very satisfied in this area.

Affection has been really good also. I really enjoy showing her affection, and in return, she has shown me a lot more then she used to. I do things for her that I used to never think of doing. I sometimes will do her nails, and give her awesome foot massages. I will brush her hair too, which I have found she really loves. She could sit there and let me do that for hours.

Anyways, we have come along way,and there is still a ton we could improve on, but I actually have hope again. There was some dark times when I felt like giving up, and felt complete hopelessness. It is nice to feel the sunshine again.

Dr. Harley recommends sitting down together and schedule your UA time. Could you do this together before the trip?

On the conversation side have you told her you'd like to tell her about your day and such?

Have you seen this? When Conversation becomes Boring or Unpleasant

So, my wife and I went on an overnight getaway, and had a great time. The whole time I felt so connected to her, and we made love three times from when we checked in, to checking out, and it was amazing. I actually felt more loved by her, than I ever remember feeling, in our 18 years of marriage. The reason I mention this, is because I totally blew it once we got home.

I mentioned to her about a month ago, that one of the things that hurt me the most, was the fact that she wrote him a letter towards the end of their relationship explaining to him that she loved her family so much, and could no longer continue to be friends with him. I told her that the reason this hurt me so much, is because she used to write me letters all of the time way back in the day, and for years she hasn�t written me even so much as a birthday or Christmas card. I was extremely hurt by the thought of her writing another man a letter, and it has caused me to wonder why she no longer writes me?

So, on our way home this weekend, from our getaway, I mentioned that I would love it if she would write me a letter for christmas. Well this turned into an argument, and I ended up saying that the reason she doesn�t write me anymore, is because she doesn�t love me like she used to, and the only reason she wrote him, is because she was in love with him(which she denies)

Anyways, it went from a wonderful weekend, to us fighting. Then in the process of fighting, she noticed that I was able to see all of her texts on my Ipad, and I told her that I do that because I don�t trust her.

BRAINHURTS: I read the article on good conversation, and I definitely blew it in a few areas this weekend. I do so good sometimes, and then out of nowhere, all of the feelings and emotions come flooding back, and I say things that i shouldn't. I just feel like I ruined the good progress we were making.

I am at a point now where I don't feel like I need anymore details or answers about the affair, so I need to avoid bringing it up at all cost. Does anyone have any tips on how to avoid bringing up the affair when your emotions get the best of you? It just feels like we take two steps forward, and one step back because of this.

Dr. Harley's materials are full of helpful suggestions for learning to manage your emotional reactions.

First, if this is a problem, go see your doctor about getting antidepressants prescribed for awhile. This will help even out your emotional highs and lows.

Second, train yourself to physically relax when you feel frustrated. Dr. Harley has a great article on how you can do this: How to Negotiate When You are an Emotional Person. There is even a device that you can purchase that you can use to train yourself to relax.

Finally, avoid frustrating situations - do not discuss the affair, or stay in a conversation that continues to discuss the affair. Avoid triggers as much as possible.

That is almost exactly how Dr. Harley suggests that an affair be ended. He would recommend a letter, written by the WS and read and approved and sent by the BS. No positive comments toward the affair partner, of course, and plenty of positive comments about the betrayed spouse.

You need to quit bringing up the affair. If you would like her to write you letters, then ask her to write you letters. Don't bring up the letter she wrote at the end of the affair, and don't ask her why she doesn't - just let her know that you would like. Talk about creating a happy present and happy future, not the past and the reasons for it.

When you feel frustrated, don't say or do anything until you have become relaxed and no longer feel frustrated.