We are not friends on social media and I've put his family on a restricted list and also taken them off my newsfeed. So I don't see pictures unintentionally. I did see some yesterday because I was bad and looked at his brother's page. I know, a huge no-no. I can't quite bring myself to delete all those people yet but that is the long term plan. I think.

No, I don't think he respected me. He was highly critical of me in nearly all respects. It was like I could not do anything right. Even my being happy used to make him angry. Somehow it was offensive when I felt especially good.

So my chasing him probably means he will never feel the urge to chase me then? I should just forget about him and move on? Please be straight with me, it is painful enough without having false hope.

It has been a week since he submitted the request to the judge to reinstate the petition. I'm sending off my confirmation of service tomorrow. I asked my IM about an hour ago (via email) to please ask if he has heard anything from the judge since it costs money to get a notary around here. There was a snafu with my checks from the bank but hopefully they come in the next week so I can send in my response and fee.

Yes, I'm sorry, but I think you should forget about him and move on. He is not marriage material. He is a freeloader and a renter at best. This has been going on since February of this year..

You also said he has anger issues? Dr. Harley would recommend for you to separate for at least a year until he went through anger management. There is just so much that he doesn't bring to the marriage.

Heal and move on and realize you deserve so much more. You deserve to be chased.

Alpha Luna,

Delete (or at least deactivate) your FB account in Plan B. It will help save your sanity.

Definitely don't chase your husband. I agree with BH. He is a freeloader.

Your feelings will sort themselves out in time. In the meantime, just realize that there is probably no good you can do with that route. Think about it - 100% of the times you have talked him into giving things a second chance, in the long term, it has failed anyway. That has never been a successful route to long term marital restoration for you, and it probably never would be, and it usually is not for most marriages - so why beat your head against the wall?

I agree. You have tried more than your best. You deserve so much more.

Ditto x 100

Chasing him makes you very unattractive. And yes, you should move on. This marriage is dead. I am sorry to tell you this, but I think you are a smart, wonderful woman and I hate to see you making things harder for yourself.

If you will commit to a completely DARK Plan B, I promise you will feel better very soon and your clear thinking will come back. But you have to suck it up and force yourself to stay completely dark. That means no facebook page gawking, no nothing. Everytime you go on Facebook and look him up, you just put yourself back to day 1 of recovery. You cause yourself misery.


How much money? $20? Just pay the cost for a notary and avoid this contact. Do everything in your power to avoid any contact even if its through the IM because that will keep you triggered.

Thanks for the hard truths everyone. It is painful to realize how this marriage probably should not have happened and I only have myself to thank for that one. Well, at least I am better prepared for future decisions.

Still sad, but moving forward.

Sent in the proof of service. I'll call the court in a few days to see if the case was reinstated and if yes, I send in the response, even if I have to get a money order from somewhere.

Thanks everyone for telling me I deserve more. It might be obvious to everyone on the outside but from here it's not always clear.

Sort of unrelated, but I realized haven't hear from Indiegirl in a while. Hope that means great things are going on her life!

(Not sure where to post this - my own thread seemed the safest.)

Have you removed his family from your FB page? That is not going to work for your Plan B....I can tell you that right now. That is going to keep you stuck.

I would even suggest removing them and then deactivating the account until you have gotten through withdrawal so that you will not be tempted to look for pictures/news of your H.

His family is on my restricted list so they can't see my page. I have not been looking at their stuff. I am struggling with deleting them because frankly, there is one of them I like as a person (his brother) and am not sure I want to go there. But I think long term it is going to have to be since seeing any future news of him is going to be awful, at least while I still feel this way. And if I have a future relationship, it would be disrespectful and inconsiderate to still have that contact, at least that is what I am understanding of things.

I get a lot of support from my friends on Facebook so that is why I haven't deactivated it yet. I'd sooner delete his friends and family at this point if it comes down to it.

It sounds like I need to at the very minimum delete his family. Would it be appropriate to send a goodbye message to the one or two I like telling them it is for my own good? Is that silly?

I would advocate for deleting your account or deactivating still. I hung on to my FB account as well because I used it to chat/support. I get it. However, we had 200 common friends (not including his family), so there was just too much danger in it. Also realize that FB itself is addictive and generally not a good habit and can keep you stuck.

I downloaded Google Hangouts on my phone. Told my friends that I was going to be using that instead for chatting and deleted FB. I am glad I did. It wasn't adding much to my life and keeping me stuck.

It's OK but just get it done... like today.

200 common friends. Holy cow. No, we have like two or three, his family, my family (who are all on my side). I know who of the common friends was supportive and I can just get rid of the rest. Most of the people there are people I've know long before I met H.

Okay, I will do this today. There are other cool people in this world, I don't need to hang onto THESE people. And if he ever comes to a different point of view and want to work on things, I can always re-friend them.

Sounds good.

Yes, we had a fairly integrated group of friends through his work (he owns a CrossFit affliate) and just because we were married. We just friended each other's friends when we were in love.

His affair partially took place on FB, so I generally hate it now. Just like I hate CrossFit. Eventhough its just an exercise program, it triggers me so much, I could never do it again, even though I loved it for a long time.

Just delete them already! Feelings follow actions.

I'm well thanks for asking! Just going through the growth pains of becoming a teacher. I've never been busier.

I think you are responding to me (piglet) above, not Luna. I think she deleted her WH's family already and I deleted FB a while back. I also blocked even searching for OW's name (she is s social media junkie and keeps all of her accounts open. She even has Myspace for Pete's sake. So I blocked seeing ANY of her gross information). I do check her cheaterville post from time to time though as seeing the tens of thousands of views makes me feel better.

PW and IG, Okay, deleted his family. That was so hard! Ouch!

PW - Facebook is a huge time sink. Sorry to hear about cross fit, but there are a ton of other ways to get exercise. I'm appreciating the benefit of avoiding triggers. Than you for sharing... It really helped push me over the edge of just doing it!

IG - Congrats on the teacher journey! It's nice to hear from you again.

Plan Luna,
Well - I finally found an eye doctor!! Yay! Sounds small, but each piece of self-care I manage feels huge, and that was one of those multi-parters: find one with my insurance, call, make the appointment, etc. In other words, a challenge in my mental state. But done!

Doing a good job of being gentle with myself. I had a play due yesterday, and instead of freaking, not getting enough sleep, beating myself up about it, I was calm, put a reasonable amount of time in and made some fantastic discoveries in the writing process. So now, I have some good stuff, and a plan on how to improve it (key) and all without putting myself through trauma to get there. Another victory for Luna.

Also put a filter in my shower this am. It leaks a little, but I can fix that.

I've come to realize how the H hijacks my thoughts during the day, and especially in the morning when I wake up. I'm trying to catch this as much as possible and change the topic in my head. Had some success this am and want to keep doing this. It seems to help. I still love him, but I don't need to think about that. Nope. Going to make my life fantastic and never settle for begging for anyone or anything again. NEVER. He is welcome to come back ONLY if he treats me right. And if not him, then someone better.

Onwards and upwards!

Yes I was supposed to have quoted Luna first and you second - so tired!



Snap an elastic band on your wrist if your thoughts get very awry. It worked for me!

Okay. Our case was reinstated with the court. Is this really what I want? I'm having huge anxiety. I sent in the receipt of service, so whether I want it or not, it's coming.

You guys keep telling me there is better out there, but this is scary as all get out to go through.

I'm sending in my response tomorrow. And then as soon as the judge rules, I am single. I'm going on some dates right away as soon as that happens. I might find I don't like it and stop, but I think meeting for coffee with some guys is just what I need. Proof of life afterwards. (Don't worry, I am not rushing into ANYTHING.)

This might seem crazy, but I keep telling myself we could always get re-married later if he comes to a different world view, but right now I feel very vulnerable financially. If we ever were to work things out, or if I am with someone else, they will support me. I don't ask for much in terms of lifestyle, but I am not going to be the breadwinner anymore. Ever.

Thank goodness for the prenup we did. Best money I've spent.