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[Yes, I totally agree. That is my job. Context of why I said that is that, I thought that no human being is able to fulfill all the desires of their spouse, and that's where faith in Jesus fills the void. And I have analyzed my possible dependent personality-related issues. What is a dependent personality related issue? I took it to mean a person who places too much responsibility for their happiness on someone else. But, I'm not sure. I was told that I have that tendency years ago by a professional counselor.
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[Yes, I totally agree. That is my job. Context of why I said that is that, I thought that no human being is able to fulfill all the desires of their spouse, and that's where faith in Jesus fills the void. And I have analyzed my possible dependent personality-related issues. What is a dependent personality related issue?
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Who told me to make my spouse unhappy?
Noone counseled me to make my spouse unhappy. Multiple counselors told me not to stop going to church and bible study though. It's been in the academic discussion of IB with wife that we have discussed it. It's church and bible study with our friends and support group, not drinking or carousing, so I have really struggled ending it until a few weeks ago.
Also, in my opinion, not going to church sets a bad example for a child whom we want to be a church-going christian.
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[Yes, I totally agree. That is my job. Context of why I said that is that, I thought that no human being is able to fulfill all the desires of their spouse, and that's where faith in Jesus fills the void. And I have analyzed my possible dependent personality-related issues. What is a dependent personality related issue? Dr Harley addresses this in his article "How the co-dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages": 4. I should keep people I love happy.
This gets to the core of what life in general, and marriage in particular, is all about. Why am I here, anyway? I chose psychology as a career partly because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I specialized in marriage counseling because I found so many people in miserable marriages, and I thought I could help.
When I married Joyce, I wanted to make her happy. I know, we can't "make" anyone happy. Everyone has a huge role to play in their own happiness. But at least I wanted to try to meet her emotional needs, and I expected her to meet mine. And I wanted to avoid hurting her, just as I expected her to avoid hurting me. We both believed that we had a responsibility to each other to try to make each other happy, and avoid making each other unhappy.
I'm aware of the downside of trying to make people happy. If they turn all responsibility for their happiness over to us, we end up carrying a crushing load. But most people don't do that. It's only in unhealthy relationships that one person sucks the life out of the other. I'll get into that subject after we're done with the questionnaire, but with that qualification, my answer to this statement is, "yes."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally agree with Dr H's writings in red.
I haven't made the transition to stop going to church as my wife has until recently, and hopefully, not too late. Until lately, I kindof related it to the childhood lesson where we were taught "if your friend sticks his head in the furnace, it doesn't mean you should."
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Who told me to make my spouse unhappy?
Noone counseled me to make my spouse unhappy. Multiple counselors told me not to stop going to church and bible study though. It's been in the academic discussion of IB with wife that we have discussed it. It's church and bible study with our friends and support group, not drinking or carousing, so I have really struggled ending it until a few weeks ago.
Also, in my opinion, not going to church sets a bad example for a child whom we want to be a church-going christian. It sets a bad example to your children to deliberately make your spouse unhappy. Your child's quality of life will largely be contingent upon a happy marriage when he is an adult. Do you want your children to grow up and have a marriage like you? I sure hope not! Multiple counselors and friends have no earthly idea how to create a happy marriage - AS YOU CAN SEE - so you would be wise to pass on their advice to do things that make your wife unhappy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally agree with Dr H's writings in red.
I haven't made the transition to stop going to church as my wife has until recently, and hopefully, not too late. Until lately, I kindof related it to the childhood lesson where we were taught "if your friend sticks his head in the furnace, it doesn't mean you should." But you ARE sticking your head in the furnace.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How so, am I sticking my head in the furnace still if I have stopped going to church and bible study like my wife?
Last edited by Remark; 11/23/14 03:46 PM.
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"It sets a bad example to your children to deliberately make your spouse unhappy. Your child's quality of life will largely be contingent upon a happy marriage when he is an adult. Do you want your children to grow up and have a marriage like you? I sure hope not!
Agreed.
I don't think our son connects the dots of me not going to church as making mom unhappy. And, surprisingly, he hasn't asked me why we've stopped going when we went for years, and both have taught his Sunday school class over the years. He does see us arguing about it and other things. So, I'm happy and hopeful to get with Dr H on Tuesday.
Last edited by Remark; 11/23/14 04:05 PM.
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How so, am I sticking my head in the furnace still if I have stopped going to church and bible study like my wife? That is not what I said.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You said you had viewed stopping the church as "sticking my head in a furnace" and my comment is that you WERE doing that very thing by continuing to going to church because of the impact to your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally agree with Dr H's writings in red.
I haven't made the transition to stop going to church as my wife has until recently, and hopefully, not too late. Until lately, I kindof related it to the childhood lesson where we were taught "if your friend sticks his head in the furnace, it doesn't mean you should." But you ARE sticking your head in the furnace. What do you mean here then? I'm confused. You understand now that I have stopped going to church and bible study as I believe it to be IB, right?
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You said you had viewed stopping the church as "sticking my head in a furnace" and my comment is that you WERE doing that very thing by continuing to going to church because of the impact to your wife. OK, I understand that. I have stopped as of three-four weeks ago.
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Help!
Still more LBs today.
I can't seem to have a conversation with my wife without an LB or two. How does one stop LBs?
I understand that I'm dysfunctional in my communcation skills, get off topic and cause forum folks to lose interest and stop posting.
Please help me improve in these skills.
I seemed to get off into Independent Behavior, when that's not even the biggest concern right now. The biggest concern is learning how to interact with her without being disrespectful.
Desperate to improve and be a Harley husband,
Remark
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I quit going to church services that make my wife unhappy, and I'm very glad I did.
We have seven children who are all very religious, and the oldest became a Christian just this year.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Wife asked me why I was focused on Independent Behavior when that isn't the biggest problem and she read it. Reading it, she asserted that I left out facts which is lying.
She feels I paint myself out to be saintly, inaccurately.
She accused me of a LB. I denied it, defended what I said, and started comparing my LBs to hers.
Thank you for responding.
Last edited by Remark; 11/23/14 08:29 PM.
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I quit going to church services that make my wife unhappy, and I'm very glad I did.
We have seven children who are all very religious, and the oldest became a Christian just this year. Excellent, that is encouraging.
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She accused me of a LB. I denied it, defended what I said, and started comparing my LBs to hers. ok, didnt' we go over this already? It makes no sense to DENY a love buster if SHE is the DEFINER of the love buster.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wife asked me why I was focused on Independent Behavior when that isn't the biggest problem and she read it. Reading it, she asserted that I left out facts which is lying. What did you leave out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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