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Our biggest issue is not IB. It's the LBs of being a jerk to her and dishonesty.
I left out the fact that church, bible study group, softball with daughters and work are co-ed. But, IB is my issue not hers.
So let's focus on the LB of being a jerk to her.
Yes, we discussed it.
When she asserts something, I don'tknow how to reply without being defensive.
When she takes issue with something I post, how do I respectfully say 'Why do you say that, and how can I be more accurate in the future?'
Is that what I'm supposed to do?
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IMO, this is what the Bible teaches about church attendance when your spouse holds it against you: http://biblehub.com/matthew/5-23.htmhttp://biblehub.com/matthew/5-24.htmTherefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. God's priority is pretty clear: relationship first. And after all, what relationship should come first, to a degree more than any other relationship in life, than marriage which God ordained? I think where we go astray on this is when we start judging our spouse's subjective opinions: "she shouldn't resent me going to church, and so this very doesn't apply," I might think. But that's just me being disrespectful about my spouse. It's not noble, and it's not Christian. It's also evident from First Corinthians 7 that God's expectations for married people is that they PLEASE THEIR SPOUSE, and that this will diminish from their more overtly religious activities. That is totally expected and is God's will.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Christians aren't Buddhists - don't encourage your wife to seek Nirvana by trying to annihilate her emotional needs. She needs you to put her first in life, over every human being on the earth, including all other human beings in the church.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Our biggest issue is not IB. It's the LBs of being a jerk to her and dishonesty. We know the big issue is you are being a jerk to her. I left out the fact that church, bible study group, softball with daughters and work are co-ed. But, IB is my issue not hers. I am confused by this. All of those events that YOU go to are co-ed? And this is why it bothers her? I am not following you here. So let's focus on the LB of being a jerk to her. huh? When she asserts something, I don'tknow how to reply without being defensive. I told you what to say: "THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME, I WILL STOP DOING THAT." So yes, you do know how to reply. I told you this already. When she takes issue with something I post, how do I respectfully say 'Why do you say that, and how can I be more accurate in the future?'
Is that what I'm supposed to do? Don't say "why" anymore. Ask her how it can be said in a way that makes her comfortable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes we discussed it. And in our desperate attempts to communicate, wife and I talked about my communication skills, (lack of), forum responses, etc, and that's when she made her comments.
Then, of course, I got defensive.
I don't heed advice like I need to!!
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She feels I paint myself out to be saintly, inaccurately. Ouch! Her feelings are not inaccurate! What a very disrespectful thing to say! I suggest you read the Disrespectful Judgments chapter of Love Busters. Pay very close attention to what Dr. Harley says about wanting to "enlighten your spouse with the benefit of your superior perspective." Regardless of how she words it, it's pretty clear that you frequently depict your perspective as superior to or more accurate than your wife's perspective. That's disrespect, and I'm positive that God doesn't want you to treat your wife that way.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She feels I paint myself out to be saintly, inaccurately. Ouch! Her feelings are not inaccurate! What a very disrespectful thing to say! I suggest you read the Disrespectful Judgments chapter of Love Busters. Pay very close attention to what Dr. Harley says about wanting to "enlighten your spouse with the benefit of your superior perspective." Regardless of how she words it, it's pretty clear that you frequently depict your perspective as superior to or more accurate than your wife's perspective. That's disrespect, and I'm positive that God doesn't want you to treat your wife that way. In fact, I think I would suggest you read that chapter daily for awhile. I'd also strongly encourage you to email Dr. Harley and his wife on their radio show, and ask Dr. Harley to help you understand what about your attitude is so off-putting to your wife.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes we discussed it. And in our desperate attempts to communicate, wife and I talked about my communication skills, (lack of), forum responses, etc, and that's when she made her comments.
Then, of course, I got defensive.
I don't heed advice like I need to!! You know, I just realized your first posts in this thread are from November 2013. I can see why she is frustrated. That's a whole year you could have spent: *) posting here to get help understanding your wife's perspective *) listening to Dr. Harley's educational and motivational daily radio show *) reading other people's stories here and learning to recognize disrespect in them so you can start learning how to recognize disrespect in yourself Don't expect this to get better until you make some serious headway with the disrespectful judgments. You are just as bad as I was!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I was not saying her feelings are inaccurate. I was saying I left out facts that portray me as a saint, which is not accurate.
Yes, we both listen to MB daily.
Good idea. I'll read and re-read those chapters as well as the chapter in HWSW on how to negotiate.
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Yes, a year has transpired. In the past year, I haven't posted.
I have listened to MB radio daily and I have read, re-read some of the Harley books, and we've sent e-mails to Dr H and Joyce which have been on the air.
Yes, I should have and can spend more time on this forum.
Will do.
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I understand that I'm dysfunctional in my communcation skills, get off topic and cause forum folks to lose interest and stop posting.
Please help me improve in these skills. Step 1 is to not disagree when your wife says you are being disrespectful. If your wife says you are being disrespectful, and you can't understand how you are being disrespectful, get help from us or from Dr. Harley to understand her perspective. You can't make any progress with this without regular feedback from your wife for any time you do or say something she feels is disrespectful.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Our biggest issue is not IB. It's the LBs of being a jerk to her and dishonesty. We know the big issue is you are being a jerk to her. Yes. So, I should not have gone on so much re: IBs I left out the fact that church, bible study group, softball with daughters and work are co-ed. But, IB is my issue not hers. I am confused by this. All of those events that YOU go to are co-ed? And this is why it bothers her? I am not following you here. Yes, apparently. But the bigger issue was that I spent more time on IBs than on thebig issue, being a jerk to her.So let's focus on the LB of being a jerk to her. huh? The LB of IB is not the biggest deal right now. So, let's table it.When she asserts something, I don'tknow how to reply without being defensive. I told you what to say: "THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME, I WILL STOP DOING THAT." So yes, you do know how to reply. I told you this already. When she takes issue with something I post, how do I respectfully say 'Why do you say that, and how can I be more accurate in the future?'
Is that what I'm supposed to do? Don't say "why" anymore. Ask her how it can be said in a way that makes her comfortable.
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Who told me to make my spouse unhappy?
Noone counseled me to make my spouse unhappy. Multiple counselors told me not to stop going to church and bible study though. Most marriage counselors FAIL. If you are here for the successful marriage counseling approach, why would you mix and match with other marriage approaches? Marriage counseling has a dismal success rate. Quit listening to those people. They are wrong. You aren't still seeing one of those counselors, are you? Also, in my opinion, not going to church sets a bad example for a child whom we want to be a church-going christian. That's a disrespectful thing to say about your wife's preference, and being disrespectful to your wife sets a much worse example for your children than not attending church.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She accused me of a LB. I denied it, defended what I said That is the wrong response when your wife lets you know you are engaging in a love buster. At least, if you want a happy marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I left out the fact that church, bible study group, softball with daughters and work are co-ed. But, IB is my issue not hers.
So let's focus on the LB of being a jerk to her. No, let's talk about the co-ed activities and the fact that a year ago you were on here pining about whether or not you should stay in a loveless marriage. Those are major red flags that you are ripe for an affair, if not contemplating one. We've had at least one at-church affair here in the past year from a husband who felt that church wasn't subject to the policy of joint agreement. It happens all the time. The first marriage Dr. Harley ever counseled had an affair between a pastor and a choir director. Good old spiritual support at church. Great way to meet emotional needs to help you tough it out in your rough marriage - that's the way Christians start affairs, and atheists, too.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I left out the fact that church, bible study group, softball with daughters and work are co-ed. But, IB is my issue not hers.
So let's focus on the LB of being a jerk to her. No, let's talk about the co-ed activities and the fact that a year ago you were on here pining about whether or not you should stay in a loveless marriage. Those are major red flags that you are ripe for an affair, if not contemplating one. We've had at least one at-church affair here in the past year from a husband who felt that church wasn't subject to the policy of joint agreement. It happens all the time. The first marriage Dr. Harley ever counseled had an affair between a pastor and a choir director. Good old spiritual support at church. Great way to meet emotional needs to help you tough it out in your rough marriage - that's the way Christians start affairs, and atheists, too.
Yes, we're both probably ripe for affairs. I have no interest in love with anyone but her. So non-issue for me. Not contemplating one. That's a very real risk as everyone needs romance in their life. We should both be motivated to meet each other's ENs.
Yes, a year ago I was pining for love in my marriage. Still will make same statement.
I MUST OBLITERATE MY LBs BEFORE ENs CAN BE DISCUSSED.
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Remark,
Can you fill us in on when you've written to Dr. Harley and what was said on the radio? We want to be supporting his advice, and we also want to hear what was said so we can best understand your situation.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, my wife just tonight pointed out similar situations. But, til tonight, I hadn't considered church an unsafe place, or bible study. Perhaps co-ed softball, yes, but I didn't play for that. Church is a very unsafe place. Just check statistics for divorce and affairs in and outside of church. Religion makes no difference. Yes, we're both probably ripe for affairs. I have no interest in love with anyone but her. So non-issue for me. Not contemplating one. It is still an issue. You are showing a number of disturbing misunderstandings about the nature of infidelity. Almost all affairs start with someone who would say "I have no interest in love with anyone but her." You should take a look at these: How do Affairs Begin?Anatomy of Adulterychapter 13 of His Needs, Her NeedsThat's a very real risk as everyone needs romance in their life. We should both be motivated to meet each other's ENs. In a bad marriage, it usually falls to the husband to learn how to motivate his wife. You've got to do the jump starting. Frankly, the husband is usually the only one with the stamina to do it. I have been there in that loveless marriage. Now my wife is extremely motivated to meet my emotional needs, because I make massive love bank deposits every single day, and love busters are extremely rare.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I get all of the above though I never considered church an unsafe place! I considered it a safe place, as compared to bars or meet-up groups, etc.
The only way for me to make deposits is to eliminate LBs first.
There is no way for me to make deposits these days.
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I get all of the above though I never considered church an unsafe place! I considered it a safe place, as compared to bars or meet-up groups, etc. Statistically church is just as dangerous. Frankly, most churches I have known have encouraged a LOT of unsafe behavior, such as valuing time spent at church functions even when the spouse objects. This gets people something to bond over. And nothing helps men and women bond to each other so well as talking with each other about their marriage problems. This is the number one conversation topic in an affair. And you will notice that conversation is an important intimate emotional need. I hope you completely refrain from discussing your marriage with women, ever - church or not. The only way for me to make deposits is to eliminate LBs first.
There is no way for me to make deposits these days. That is exactly correct. And that is why it is so vitally important for you to learn to recognize disrespect, so that you can eliminate it. Right now, each and every time you say something your wife feels is disrespectful, it is a crisis.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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