Have you let her know that you will no longer engage in any behavior she is not ENTHUSIASTIC about? I don't know if that will make a deposit, but I think it will at least make her glad.

What things are you giving up that she has complained about?

I think both of these love busters are at serious crisis level and will spell the end of your marriage if you do not stop them.

Are you familiar with the Love Busters worksheet procedure for disrespectful judgments? Will your wife follow it with you?

If your bible study group teaches people to attend church and bible study even when their spouse is unenthusiastic, I would say your wife was right to drop out! Maybe you can find a marriage-affirming church or Bible study.

BTW, I'm a big advocate of worshiping at home as a family when no other options are suitable - IF husband and wife are both enthusiastic, of course. We bake our own unleavened bread for communion, sing hymns, read the Scripture, and pray. It is very moving and valuable for us. You might find out how your wife would feel about doing something similar.


Incomparable to the joy of bringing your marriage back from the brink and having a romantic relationship with your wife, though. It turns out ANY recreational activity will do if both people are enthusiastic about it. I can't imagine being enthusiastic about softball, myself - sports aren't my thing. My father and brother love football, but they can't bond with me discussing it, because I have zero interest.

There are zillions of recreational activities in the world: millions will be interesting to you, and a different set of millions will be interesting to your wife. Activities that are in both of those sets will bond the two of you together.

A marriage that is on life support does not need outside recreational activities. There's no time to spare for that.

I can see from her thread that one of her big problems has been you engaging in activities with family members that she is not enthusiastic about.

I had to come to a point where I would not engage with my family if my wife was not enthusiastic.

The result was a happy marriage AND a vastly improved relationship with my family (they stopped being disrespectful to Prisca and to me).

I would leave the Marriage Builders terminology out of it.

I would say:

"I am sorry for hurting you by playing softball with my daughters over your objections. I won't be doing that any more."

"I am sorry for hurting you by seeing family members over your objections. I will not be doing that any more. From now on, you come first, till death do us part. I am ready and willing to forsake them for you."

I am sure you have been very disrespectful about your independent behavior. When she posted here a month or so ago she posted about your independent behavior, but she didn't use that term. She posted about allegiance - you were seeing your family over her objections. And church as well.

In any case there doesn't need to be a LOT said about it - just stop it! Steve Harley once told me not to expect a lot of accolades from my wife for stopping love busters. People don't typically blow a trumpet and announce they've stopped abusing their wives. But the love busters need to stop in any case, all of them.

The more withdrawn she is, the less she will care about some love busters - this is a bad sign, because it means she simply wants to be away from you.

In all your marriage builders listening, have you heard Dr. Harley discuss an approach avoidance conflict?

BTW, I'm more than willing to bet your extended family is disrespectful to your wife. So again, seeing them over her objections is very entertwined with the issue of disrespect.

If you are dying of cancer AND the bubonic plague, it probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to worry about which one is primary and which one is secondary. You need urgent treatment for both.

Instead of navel gazing about which one is primary or secondary, knock them both off immediately!

I would focus on keeping your mouth shut until you are totally calm. Don't respond until you have had a chance to get us or Dr. Harley to help you understand your wife's point of view. Focus on understanding her point of view BEFORE you try to give her your point of view.

Be quick to listen and slow to speak:
http://biblehub.com/james/1-19.htm

It's not a one time activity: she should give you a weekly written worksheet listing each time you said or did something disrespectful. See if she is willing to do this.

Did you read all of my suggestions in that post, or did you stop at the suggestion to be calm?

This is a matter of simple habit formation. Eliminate the old habit and form the new habit. Dr. Harley has written a lot about habit formation, and you can find a lot written about it anywhere. One thing you'll find is that in order to override your old habit, you are going to need to be calm enough to remember to think before you speak, so you can learn to start filtering out the things you say that she finds disrespectful. After you have done this long enough, it will be automatic.

The worksheet procedure is very good help in learning to eliminate the habit of disrespectful judgments.

Build this new habit:

When your wife tells you something you don't want to hear, thank her for telling you. Then, shut up.

Can you do this?