Are you doing this?

Yes, with the holiday, I only e-mailed Dr H last Wed and then this AM. (We were out of town until last night.)

I have been respectful and given her undivided attention.

It's much easier to give her UA and when the topic of conversation is not something I am doing that bothers her. Within a span of 5-10 minutes yesterday, I annoyed her three times. That spawned conversation that I cannot succeed at. That is to say that I was not able to answer why I wasn't paying as close attention to our dog as I should have been, for eample. It frustrates her no end that I can't give a deep, logical answer to 'why I wasn't paying close enough attention', for example.


Thanks,
Remark

I ordered last week and received today, the new edition of Love Busters. I'll be reading on AO tonight.

Thanks,
Remark

Markos,

I am here. Was just traveling over the holiday. And, I'm still not a pro at this forum stuff. (Yes, I need help, accountability partners, etc. But, I hate to burden the world with my issues. I'm transparent, but I don't twitter, 'ya know?)

I e-mailed Dr H Wed AM and this AM as per his suggestion. I believe I am doing well on the Undivided Attention. However, there are always other issues.

More in a minute.

Markos,

How does this forum stuff work in that I would welcome my wife to post on this thread. But she doesn't. She has her own thread that you and your wife have both replied to/on. I spent some time reading it last night, not understanding some of what was being said.

Should I stay off of that thread?

Meanwhile, back to this thread............
I've been good at UA, dropping whatever I'm doing when she speaks. We still have conflicts that bury us though.
Thanks,
Remark

I would stay away from posting on her thread and keep your questions and comments to your thread.

x 2

I just listened to your show. Why is it that you have failed to mention that you had an affair?

First: I don't see how you can say that you were "respectful and gave her undivided attention" if she is still complaining that you are not doing so.

Second: to me, your words come across as rather scornful and sneering. It seems to me that you posted these examples of how unreasonable her requests are, so that we can see how she gives you a hard time over stuff of vanishing unimportance. You're still trying to prove that you are unreasonable and no bad example of a husband, and she is an unreasonable, miserable, demanding cow.

Did she ask you give a "deep, logical answer" to why you were not paying close enough attention, or did she draw it to your notice that you weren't paying attention, asked you what was distracting you and you said "I dunno", and she asked again, insisting that you must know? Was she trying to point out to you that you were doing yet again the very thing you've been told off for, by her, by us and by Dr Harley - the thing you promised you wouldn't do any more, which was to treat her as less important than the stuff on the bottom of your shoe? And were you treating the complaint itself as beneath your interest level?

And when you weren't paying close enough attention to the dog: I assume she wasn't trying to get you to have a deep, meaningful conversation with the dog. Was the dog fussing about something (like needing to go outside) and you were ignoring it, not wanting to have to get up and see to its needs? Is that what she meant when she asked why you were not paying attention to it?

I see what your wife meant when she said that you won't try at something you don't take as a serious problem.

You're doing it again.

You're belittling her and using carefully chosen, very unpleasant descriptors to tattle on her here, because any normal person will see that she is a high-maintenance nightmare and that you are as good as any husband out there.

How's that working for you, Remark?

I have to say that the way you treat your wife isn't the kind of 'just compensation" after an affair that any of us would stick around for.

Well, because I didn't consider it a bona fide affair until Dr Harley's interpretation. What happened was this. Eight years ago, I exchanged email with my high school girlfriend whom I haven't seen since high school 30 years prior and couldn't pick out of a line up then or now. I live 800 miles from where I went to high school and have never been back. The e-mails were not racy or sexy in any way. So, I didn't consider it an affair. Upon listening to Dr H for a couple of years now, I understand and consider it an affair, an emotional affair. And I appreciate the intense pain it has inflicted on my wife, and how incredibly stupid I was then.
I cannot be more ashamed of that situation. But, that is what Joyce was referring to.

Have you seen this?
What is Just Compensation?

I wonder if you really do because it seems you gave her no Just Compensation, continued with destructive behaviors, and dismissed your wife complaints. You have repeatedly said you can appreciate that your wife feels x, y, or z and then do absolutely nothing to change it...or it is short lived.

If you know she has issue with your family, why did you still go there for Thanksgiving?

Sugarcane,
Obviously, it's not working at all.
I am at a loss, though. How should I have communicated, worded what I posted such that it comes across as frustrated WITH MYSELF and my inability to satisfy her or you with deeper answers. I give her more than "I dunno", but less than all-the-layers-of-the-onion as we both would like to know/share.

re: the dog..... we were traveling back from a family trip yesterday. She had to go to the bathroom and wanted a frappe. We pulled into McDonalds. As she went towards the store, I went away from the store to the perimeter of the parking lot to allow the dog to relieve himself and mark a few bushes. She paused before going into the restaurant to see the dog come back onto the parking lot and a car had to stop as he was venturing into its way. I was not paying the close attention I should have. Indeed, I should have had a leash on him because, that dog worships her. His immediate thought after anything is "Where's Mom?" Conversely, if he were with her relieving himself, he'd be content that mom is right there with him, and he wouldn't be so concerned where I or our son was. So that was the dog reference.
I have thought that one through, and landed as I just described. I don't have more to offer as to why I was not more attentive, for example. I am sorry, remorseful and will not ever allow that to happen again.
And, I have spent time over the years trying to figure out why I am the way I am; what childhood trauma or event caused me to be the way I am.
Honest, I do not think of my wife in terms like "unreasonable cow" or anything like that.
Please, take a portion of the above and tell me how I should have worded it more humbly, more considerate of her.
In need of a coach,
Remark

I am familiar with Dr H's term just compensation. What would that look like in this case?

I didn't insist on going there for Thanksgiving. My dad is 88 and I feel the need to see him a few times a year. And he lives in the same city as my brother, a dentist, and he was in the middle of some dental work on me. I see your point though.

Thanks,
Remark

Yes, I am familiar with Dr H's just compensation. I don't know what that would look like in our case. Any thoughts?
Thanks,
Remark

Guilting your spouse into doing what you want is basically the same as a demand. You are not supposed to do things unless your spouse is in enthusiastic agreement. She has identified your lack of allegience to her as a SERIOUS Love Buster. You could visit family at a different time. Like after your marriage is in better shape.

This article seems relavant. Also all the articles on POJA.

Christmas ruining your marriage?

Also, if you aren't going to sign-up for coach, get the Radio Archives and listen to everything on POJA, Disrespectful Judgements, Angry Outburst, and Undivided Attention.

And your explanation of the dog incident sounds like you are shifting blame to your wife.

You are supposed to make the marriage better than ever to compensate your spouse.

Sounds good. I'm working on that very thing.

Re-read the post. The focus was on how the dog is so attached to your wife. Not that you weren't paying attention which is her complaint.