Try this followup@marriagebuilders.com.

Does he pay the mortgage for the home? Have you talked to legal counsel about him leaving the home? Make sure you have all your legal ducks lined up or else he could find some way to reverse things and have you removed instead.

I sent an email with that address Markos. Just waiting for a reply.

The home is jointly owned although he pays mortgage since I'm not getting income as of now ( this will change).

I have sought legal counsel and the attorney didn't mention anything about this possibility. I was actually shocked at how much Hope stood to lose if we divorced ( we live in a very liberal, no fault state). I plan on meeting again to clarify everything.

One of the things Hope does is justify not seeking me out or taking ownership for providing UA time:

He will ignore me for almost an entire day, with the rare "hi" , "how's it going?", or "is everything OK?", as he walks by me. Then he proceeds to interact with mainly our son ( the only child he interacts with regularly), go on his computer, IPad or phone and basically ignore me as I cook, clean, do my schoolwork, laundry etc.

The day will go by and no UA time. I'm so upset with Hope that I have told him that he would need to show he's serious by initiating this. He flat out won't do it. He blames me for us not doing UA time. Will say ( after the fact, when we are in bed), " well I left the our open for it."

^that's what he does in other situations as well. SF for example: " well I wanted it", he'd say ( yet he never showed that he "wanted it", in fact he ignored me all day). Etc. Too much to mention.

I'm just waiting now for Kim's response but I think this marriage is by and large over.

Don't argue with him about UA time - prepare for a separation, and if he starts doing what he needs to do, you won't need to separate any more.

Gracie do you mind naming the state you live in?

You should make a list of questions for the attorney so you don't forget to ask questions...and take the list with you. It can be overwhelming to try and remember everything.

Another thing, just so I don't forget while I'm waiting for Kim's email reply: Whenever I am upset about Hope's actions, he acts incredibly sorry for himself ( rather than attempting to fix the issue). He mopes around, spends even longer on electronics than usual ( sometimes several hours/ day). My kids all ask " what's wrong with Dad?" My oldest DD told me the other day verbatim ( out of the blue, we weren't talking about Hope): " Dad gets really mean and then feels sorry for himself, trying to get everyone to make him feel better. Why does he do that? Why doesn't he just act nice so he doesn't have to feel sorry for how bad he acts?"

^ just thought I'd add that to give it more relevance. I know Kim will probably try to help now. Not sure if this is fixable though. There's no intrinsic motivation to change on Hope's part. Just woe is me attitude and passiveness.

I can't even stand him anymore.

I live in Massachussetts Black raven.

Apparently Hope is reading this thread, getting angry about what I have written. He sent me a slew of angry texts last night about it. Said, for one thing, I was being dishonest. Not only is this untrue but I haven't scratched the surface, have tried to minimize how bad it is and all that Hope has both said and done. I feel like I am living under terrorist rule < no exaggeration.

Thanks Gracie

Is Hope at home right now?

He is spending the day at a sports event with DS. He basically ordered me to " talk tonight" ( whenever he gets home. I just want him gone.

Hey hope(since you're reading this thread), why don't you get back to your own thread and answer all the unanswered questions?

He's probably not reading it right now BrainHurts since he left with DS to a sporting event. Starts at 3 p.m and they probably won't be back until 7 or 8. He has no problem scheduling his OWN UA time since i's what he wants and likes to do. But he puts the onus on me to tell him exactly what to do and when for our UA time, even though I told him that sounds like a cop out. He puts zero mental energy in when he isn't getting immediate gratification.

I don't see how this marriage can survive. It's more of a dictatorship with Hope getting what he wants out of life, favoring one child (he has 3 - all biologically his...but 1 son who he favors). He throws rages and controls us through this. I am basically the unpaid household help who gets attacked every so often.

Hope's follow through has always been subpar. One example:
When we were living across the country and I was taking care of a newborn, our t.v. was broken. I was by myself (knew noone at that point and had no car). Lived in a small apartment. Told him that I wanted someone to come and repair t.v. He raged about it, said he'd "do it". This happened every week. I was afraid to have someone in as I was afraid of Hope's rages. Anyhow, long story short: He finally fixed HIMSELF about 8 months in to this (So I had no t.v. for 8 months and, like I said, no car). He fixed it because there was something HE wanted to watch. It is THIS degree of selfishness and lack of follow through that I am STILL dealing with now. It's gotten a little bit better but that's the basic gist.

He refuses to follow through unless HE is continually getting admiration for basic things other men do daily without thought.

I can't even tolerate him right now.

He just came home. Sat down in front of me and announced derisively " I'm here".

I said "and?"

He said " well, I'm not preventing you from talking to mez".

Somehow I don't think this is what Dr. Harley meant by UA time...

I feel absolute disgust. Am I supposed to Pretend all is OK when I feel otherwise? I just want this to end.

* Me now mez

( dang autocorrect...)

Gracie I have not been following your story closely but this post struck me and I wanted to respond to it. I think most men are hopeless at arranging UA time. Be careful that you do not use MB to 'set up' your husband so that you can then point out that he is not following the programme. I am guessing that he is willing to go along with suggestions that the two of you POJA but that thinking of things is beyond him. My DH would never be able to come up with UA ideas but adores it when I think of things. Our latest UA is that the dog and I walk him to work every morning. He would never have suggested something like that but it is the highlight of his day.


And you should also take care with the disrespectful judgements. You have no way of knowing what is going on in his head and it is not right to think that you do.

Yes, I get it and I agree with you but this is not our situation. He puts no effort in and, unless I do all of it, it doesn't happen. Yet he has no problem doing things he wants so he CAN ( physically, mentally) do it. Since his last outburst and destroying my property 2 days ago, I'm at a place where I actively dislike him. That said, I have No desire to plan UA time.


This is how it's been. It may be a disrespectful judgement but it's the truth of what's been going on with little to no exceptions ( I can't think of any).

As for the POJA, it hasn't been done yet. Last I tried, there was an angry outburst on Hope's part. He flatly refused to compromise with my son's sports. If I need to hold his hand through every step of this, him doing a small amount and then stopping once I start feel OK about him ( not judging/ projecting: this IS what has happened literally every other time we've done this), I don't see the point.

I honestly don't see this marriage can work, especially when Hope seems so half hearted ( his ACTIONS) about it.

Agree x 100