As a general rule, Dr. Harley recommends that in marriage you have no contact with anyone you had a romantic relationship with in the past. This includes ex husbands and wives.

Also, call and speak with his ex wife

I have given that some thought.

Would speaking with his MC or their pastor (who agreed that he had to get out of the marriage) be as valid?

I am not sure what I had with my xH ever really qualified as a romantic relationship... lol ...but I do understand the point.

There is nothing my xH could ever do to make me feel one ounce of attraction to him again - I can't be attracted to the man he is - but I recently read a quote from Oswald Chambers that said "An unguarded strength is a double weakness."

I just haven't made my children face the normal dynamics following a divorce. I thought in time that would work itself out - which it has in that the times we are together are growing fewer and farther. I agree it is time to give that a stronger nudge.

Thank you for this perspective. Upon reflecting on the advice from the forum, and also specifically on your comment here, I agree that I will give this more time. To let the stunningly wonderful compatibilities in so many ways we seem to have stand a test of some time.

As well, I will not move forward with a marriage if my family (who I dearly love and respect) is seeing warning signs and cautioning me not to. I should have listened to them last time. I mentioned earlier that everyone who cared about me was warning me vigorously not to marry Steubenville.


I spent last Christmas out of state with all of my family and all of my children, DIL and DGD2 (without Steubenville, who visited his own family by himself). It was really wonderful, peaceful and very healing. To your point, I'm very thankful that I was able to experience a peaceful holiday season focused with God as my only provider and protector. It certainly did draw me closer to him.

I never saw an answer to this.

Also, I don't think it's a good idea to have your XH over for Christmas or any holidays. You're divorced, so he should make his own plans with the kids.

His xW turned them against him, openly excluded him from her time and activities with them, and would tell them (in front of him) to not obey their father if he wanted them to do chores - why should they do them when their father didn't want to do them himself? She also had been running him down to his and her family for years in the same manner she ran him down to his children.



I agree. This Christmas had already been agreed to, and I feel OK about it for now. I will do this for all future holidays.

Our teenage DDs certainly did NOT have a good time with the Thanksgiving holiday they just had with him, when he kicked them out of his house at 10 pm. I think that not having holidays with the kids (giving them to him) is a bum rap after all the years he kept threatening to leave, but as this past Thanksgiving shows, perhaps that will work itself out and I will not miss as many family times with the children as expected.

One of the reasons I had so many children is because I knew a future with Steubenville would be very bleak, and at least I wanted to look forward to many happy times with my children and their families. I thank God that my future might now hold not only that, but also a loving and dear husband as well (who I may have already found....but will give it time to tell, as advised).

Legally, the counselor should not disclose counseling sessions to his girlfriend.
Dr. Harley, as a general rule, encourages calling the ex-wife and asking: Why did the marriage end? What were your chief complaints about him? Etc.

Everyone that is divorced feels a similar way.
BUT, many affairs start between ex's. It is a boundary issue.

Aww thanks!

Now - Sunny, pick up the scissors and cut your ex out of your life.

Saying you 'don't mind' him there is like saying you don't mind having a big pile of trash in one of your rooms.

Now I'm sure you have the resources to get around having a big pile of trash in your living room. That you have the inner peace to see that there are stars outside your window, just past the big pile of trash!

But it is crazy to go on having it there nevertheless! My god, what he has put you thorough. You should keep him as far away from your life as possible.

It will also have a good effect on your dating life. It tells suitors you don't stay in touch with old lovers confirming a) you're likely to be faithful and b) if they cross you they will lose the best thing they ever had!

It hurts any decent parent to consider their children not having joint parenting, but if you feel that way you dont divorce unless faced with scumbag behaviour.

Keeping a scumbag ex around, in yours and their sanctuary, is not going to help the kids.

Personally, I would not date someone that still is around their ex. I also would not date a woman whose best friend is a man.
If you watch the Santa Claus movie series, he was always around the ex and her new husband and I think it just causes confusion for kids viewing it. It must have been written by a wayward.

Good point, Jedi.

I have no desire to be around my ex - so that will be an easy step.

I will take that separation to the next step on Dec 26 since Christmas has already been set up for a long time and the kids have planned around it.

Seems fishy and not really believable to me. Sorry.

It would be very hard to turn my kids against their father...and you would think it would be easy as he has done a lot of crappy things to them. But as long as he is involved and gives them any attention, they both want some type of a relationship with him. I would say my DD19 has been estranged on and off from her father for a while now, but as long as he TRIES, she will cave and let him in.

I agree. Something seems "off" as to why he's estranged from them. If they are older kids then they can make their own decisions. Are they minor children? How old are they?

If it's HER time with her kids then what's the problem? They are divorced. If she was such a troll then why does he even want to be around her?

Sounds like she could be in Plan B (smart woman given they are divorced) and he is the one with problem. What activities?


Hmmmmm I would not take his word for this. It could be the truth or have some truth but you only have his word about what has transpired.

x 3

No, this was while they were married. She wouldn't invite him or even allow him to come along at his request when she was taking the kids to games or family fun activities. He is not trying to join these activities with her now that they are divorced.

He is making headway with the only child who is still a minor. I think I'll be able to meet her within a month and will be able to assess it then.

I hope to meet his daughter within the next month. It seems she is opening up to his overtures. I'll be able to understand the situation much better then.

So he is a wimp? Sorry but he didn't have to be invited to go see his children's games. If he wanted to be there, he would have been there. This sounds lame to me.