Hi everyone.

First off, I am trying to encourage my husband to join here so we can get advice together. I will let you know if it happens.

My husband and I have been married for six years as of 1/6. Throughout the marriage, my husband has suffered from devastating physical disabilities that have led to emotional struggles with depression as well. He recently had a surgery that alleviated quite a bit of the physical pain he was experiencing, which I naively and unfairly thought would finally "fix the problem."

He has been unable to work during this time, but has dutifully kept all doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, taken his meds, etc. He wants to get better, and he will for a period, but then the meds stop working, or our situation comes crashing down, or both!

My H's parents have been financially supporting us (I do work 40 hrs per week, and bring home about $2k per mo) which has been a godsend. We live in a house they own, and they pay our health insurance and our therapy bills. This situation is very painful and embarassing to me, as I was raised to be independent and "pay my own way." This has led me to treat my husband with less respect than I should have, and for that I am ashamed.

The last six months or so have gotten intolerable. My job is very stressful, and my pain in my home life affects my work, which then gets harder and more behind. I come home upset, then I don't act lovingly towards my H - just hop online and spend the evening surfing the net, eating crap while he watches tv. I have gained 100 pounds this way - yes, I know this is horrible and I'm very ashamed I let it get to this point. I was 140 when we met, 155 when we got married (which he was fine with) and 247 now. :*(

On the good side, neither of us is involved with anyone else. I think what we have is fixable. We both still have love for one another, and want it to work. We just don't know what to do!

We filled out the EN questionnaire, and the love busters.

Me: ENs are affection, sex, domestic support, financial support, and I forget the last one (he has my forms.)
Me: LBs (paraphrased cause again he has my forms): annoying habits (oversleeping til 1pm), dishonesty (buying things without talking about it first, especially stuff like cigarettes and junk food), and disrespectful judgements.

Him: ENs are intimate conversation, at least 2 hours a day (which I had no idea he wanted til we took this test today!), recreational companionship, and physical attractiveness.
Him: LBs are annoying habits (not losing weight/exercising when I said I would), dishonesty (not sharing my feelings, overdrawing our account), and disrespectful judgement (feeling judged about not working).

Edit: I forgot to mention I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder during our marriage. In hindsight it makes total sense, unfortunately we didn't know about it until too late - mine manifested as binge spending - I am extremely embarassed to admit I spent about $180,000 of my H's funds (from a lawsuit) before I broke down and confessed my financial infidelity about 18 months ago. Believe it or not, he forgave me, and I've been trying to work my way back into his trust financially by paying down our credit cards (was $26k, now $5k), keeping a budget, and establishing savings accounts. Unfortunately I think I may have done more harm than good, as my intense desire to save up money in our different accounts (property taxes, retirement, etc) regularly keep our account at $0 leaving him without spending money and feeling frustrated.
HELP!!!!

Welcome to MB and I'm so glad you found us.

Have you seen this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

What kind of recreational activities can your H do(since this is one of his top EN)?

What is your plan to lose the weight?

I picked up a fitbit and a scale so I can track my weight and exercise. We plan to walk after work each day and swimming on weekends. I also signed up for spark people to track my calories.

My DH likes watching movies, playing video games and reading comics. There really isn't any physical activity he likes (or can do, for the most part.) maybe take the dogs to the dog park?

Have you both taken the recreational enjoyment inventory?

Here. Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

Hi there- just a suggestion on the lose weight thing- I have that goal too- myfitnesspal is great for tracking calories and exercise. I'm also on Sparkpeople, and have been for years and LOVE it, but myfitnesspal is an app you can instantly record things on. So imvho, join some groups on spark for support, but use mfp for tracking. And promise yourself you won't lie on it, but track every blt (bite, lick, taste, LOL).

Also, set up some rewards along the way- 10 lbs, 20 lbs, whatever. Whether it's a pedicure, a new sports bra, whatever is motivating.

And last, but not least, make your goals SMART
S- specific
M- measurable
A- attainable
R- relevant
T- timely
If you google smart goal setting, I think under images Sparkpeople has a great PDF. I'm using that to do several goals, weight/health related and not!

Good luck! It's great your dh is on board too.

I took the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory. Looking it over, it seems I have expensive taste in hobbies! :P

I have to figure out a way to increase our income so we can AFFORD to do things together. As it is right now, all our money is going into savings for things we HAVE to pay for, so I can't just skip it to go out to eat unfortunately.

DH is looking into Uber (that taxi service thing) for something he could do on days he feels well, and it would get him out and talking to people. His parents are coming over today to get his office organized, make copies of articles for his clients, etc.

He's going over my forms (recreational, love busters, and emotional needs) and we'll discuss it when I get back from my Overeater's Anonymous meeting tonight.

You're in the right place, we can help you find lots of ways to do UA inexpensively. We like to eat out on a dime too, so we'll go to starbucks and get a cup of tea, or McDonalds for the $1 ice cream cones, or walk the mall and get a lemonade at the food court.

The $180k that is spent, what percent is things that can be returned or resold?

Anything that could be resold/returned has been. I am slowly selling my American Girl collection - slowly because I don't have much free time right now, not out of reluctance!

I went to my overeater anonymous type group this evening, we're going to start a Wednesday evening swim and a Saturday yoga class. I am inviting my DH to come along too (he knows all the people in the group.)

Have you sat down and scheduled your UA time out with your DH?

Here.
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention