Hello. New here, but FWH and I have been reading MB books since 11/2013 when I discovered FWH's on-line secret life. Marriage plagued by LB (by his admission, mostly his LB) and both of our failures to meet EN's. We've been married 30 years. We are both in our 60's.

After discovery of his internet activities I lost respect, and found I no longer loved him. After finding MB we began attempt at recovery, but FWH was not fully engaged. FWH insisted he had told me all when I appealed to him for RH so I would find no hurtful surprises while in recovery. Continued to snoop and 9/2014 found he had lied when I discovered a 6 yr EA with a younger "beautiful!!" co-worker. The emails were so painful to read.

By this time, The EA had been over for a year. OW had already left job, moved away and married a sugar daddy. Also found FWH had made at least 4 attempts to contact OW during time we were attempting recovery (last one 6/2014). I saw no evidence of response from OW. On discovery of EA I had an AO and left home with no info. as to my whereabouts. I refused FWH attempts to contact me. This got his attention and on my return, he got serious about MB and eliminating LB.

FWH claims he always loved me and even more so now. He seems genuine in regrets, but I am wary of everything now. We both desire improving the marriage, but I'm wrestling with resentment and trust amongst other issues. Today I would appreciate advice on this: I'm having difficulty with anger towards OW. There was no exposure since EA was already over. This POSOW assisted in homewrecking and got away with it. Also she abused her position as HR Director. She's a real winner; married several times, a reputation as promiscuous and rumors of a PA with at least one co-worker. While I hate that she got away with this, I wonder if I should leave it alone since she is out of the picture, and I do not want her back in it. So, I have not exposed her anywhere, not even cheaterville. I fear exposure might prompt her to turn up in our lives again somehow. Your thoughts on this would be very appreciated.

Hi lightwalker and welcome to the Marriage Builders Discussion Forums.

First, please start by reading this http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Yes, it looks like a lot of reading but it is all VERY useful information and will help you a lot!

And click on the Notify link on the bottom of this post and ask the moderators to move this thread to the Surviving an Affair Forum. I realize you may consider yourself "in Recovery" but you first have to work through the steps to surviving to successfully recover.

Please follow the advice & suggestions of the members on this forum based on Dr Harleys concepts & principles. If you choose to do so, you CAN recover this marriage and have a more loving & successful marriage than you dreamed possible.

Hi light walker, welcome to Marriage Builders. There are very specific steps towards recovery and I would suggest following the steps in Surviving an Affair. I will post the checklist for you. Exposure is not only for the purpose of ending an affair; it is also to get support for the BS. The more people who know, the more people to hold the cheaters accountable.

I am not so sure you have any good exposure options for the OP, but have you exposed the affair to your own circles? Do your children know? Exposure is an extremely valuable FIRST STEP towards recovery.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You can still expose her on cheaterville as if you were a co-worker with knowledge of her cheating vs as the BW...just an idea.

A 6 yr EA? Sorry but I have a hard time believing for 6 yrs there was only an EA. I would require a poly.

Welcome to MB

Thank you Nerlycrzy. I have requested my thread be moved. Initially I did read all you have suggested, but most of it a year ago. I will reread. My FWH began reading it, but not too engaged and making slow progress so I bought the books, and he is getting a lot out of them. MB makes sense to him and first time he has realized he has been engaging in LB the entire M. I have read HNHN, LB, Surviving A and we have completed Needs and LB inventories from the 5 Steps workbook, He is reading the books--but he's slow at it. In the past year since first D day, he has eliminated most LB behaviors and seems to get it. I'm trying to overcome resentment. We are both committed to trying to save this marriage. I know it will take full recovery and time to overcome resentment and regain trust. We are on the road to recovery, but I realize we still have a long, long way to go. Reading this forum has been a real lifesaver for me. You all have been my support group. Thank you MB.

Hi ML. I have been reading your posts for some time. They are always to the point, helpful and informative. When FWH was attempting to contact me to no avail, he appealed to my friends and family to try to pursuade me to return. At that time he outed himself, somewhat. He let them know that he had hurt me terribly by his inappropriate behavior. Most don't know the specific details, but I think know enough. DD has indicated she prefers not to discuss it. There are a few family members who have not been told as they are not too involved with our family, but I'm considering informing them. He also told his Bfriend. To my knowledge none of his co-workers were told, though I'm sure many knew what was going on at work. In looking over the checklist, I am concerned about the possibility of renewed contact as he is still using his same work phone with same e-mail address. I do monitor it though. We have completed some items on the checklist and continuing to make progress in others. I know from reading MB and this forum the way to recover is walking that narrow road, and we have to do it! Thank you ML for your input.

lightwalker, thanks for answering. I would start by letting close family and friends know about the affair. [especially the people he called when he was looking for you] Let them know what happened and with whom. Tell them you are telling them because they are a close person to your family and you would appreciate their thoughts, prayers and advice.

Your DD does need to know the facts in case the OW tries to ingratiate herself into your lives in the future. If you die, I don't think your DD would appreciate this skank showing up to give your husband "support." My father's 35 year mistress showed up at his funeral so this is not uncommon.

And yes, he should change his contact information. Monitoring his email and phone #'s will not solve the problem. I would get that changed in addition to getting spyware on any divice you can.

Thank you Black Raven for your thought about posting as a co-worker on Cheaterville. I hadn't thought about that. It would sure feel good to out her there. One other concern about posting there was that I had read about lawsuits filed on that site, and I think money wouldn't be a concern for her now. We have dealt with so much crisis over the past 16 years, the EA just being the most currrent, that I am afraid of stirring up another issue. Do you know anything about liability issues re posting to that site?

Also, I certainly know what you mean--yeah, right, 6 yr EA and not a PA? On the one hand I feel like a foolish BS, and should request the poly. On the otherhand, the emails seemed to indicate there was no PA. It looked like she was having relationships with others and was enjoying all that extra attention from my FWH who obviously had a very big crush on her.His emails to her were hurtful but pretty pathetic. She cerainly was not trying to discourage him, but her responses didn't indicate anything but an EA. From my snooping it looked like my FWH was enjoying a fantasy. He was getting SF from his very inappropriate internet activities, and he was getting his high need for attention from OP who filled his need for PA. His older wife could not compete with that. Also laziness may be involved. Fantasy relationships are much easier! So I don't think it is too unlikely it could have been just an EA, but I certainly will consider the poly.

They would never know who posted it, though. You can get a friend to put it up. Have her picture put up there and then send the report around anonymously with the cheaterville feature.


Not only can you COMPETE with it, you will win every time!!! The possibility for romance is MUCH MUCH greater and much more sustainable in a marriage than in a short lived affair. Do you want to know how to win?

Wow ML, I had not even thought about the very good reasoning you have pointed out about the importance of providing the details of the A to our DD. It important that I do this, and I will. Thank you for that insight! Also have informed one friend with details and considering how to talk to the others about it.

I will try to convince H he needs to change his work contact info too. I'm not sure how to go about spyware on his company smartphone, that is all he uses, but I will check with the Op Investigate forum.

ML I appreciate the additional thoughts about exposing her and your encouragement. And yes, I can use all the assistance I can get in knowing how to win!

Here Polygraph Testing

I would recommend a polygraph. You already know he trickle truthed you, from finding out about his SSL on the internet, to finding out about this EA. After such a long marriage I myself would wonder what else there is lurking in the shadows.

I would hate for you to put 110% effort into recovery, only to receive another devastating blow a year from now when you feel recovered, by finding out there were more affairs or this was more than an EA.

Get the full truth out NOW. Maybe you already have it, and if so then what have you got to lose? If you don't, rip the bandaid off so you can move forward with your marriage (or not) with full disclosure and RH as the cornerstone.

BrainHurts, I will check into the poly today to find closest to our area. Thanks.

Unwritten, Thanks for your thoughts. Trickle truthed is certainly a descriptive term which I relate to. I will check out Poly options today.

Lightwalker,

Mel is SO right with this statement. My H's affair was OW 15 years younger than I. It didn't matter because of the very reason Mel states here.

As someone who was trickle truthed for many months, I agree with the need for a poly at this point. Anything else that might be lurking in your marital history needs to be identified now.

Resentment dissipates when there is "just compensation". "Just compensation" includes affair proofing the marriage and developing a passionate and romantic relationship.

Welcome to MB. It is the best place for building a great marriage.

AM

AM, Your post is especially appreciated as you are a formerly BW in my age range and with similar sounding circumstances. Your post is reassuring. One major concern I have as an older woman is the worry that my H will never truely feel romantic passion for me due to his apparently high need for PA. Dr. H.addresses the fact that being visual, a very high percentage of men rate PA as a high need. So where does that leave women as we age naturally? My FWH admits to being somewhat obsessed with young women. He's gregarious and has been flirtatious, and to make matters worse, even at his age, I have seen the positive response he gets from young women. He likes that attention. He does know that to stay married I'll not accept that behavior. I worry that he may not be capable of change due to the PA need. Also, it hurt to realize, that though initially having been attracted to me emotionally and physically, his real PA was for women who were physically opposite of me in almost every way. That knowledge has caused some real resentment as well as physical and emotional aversion to him. Thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Here's another good read so you can avoid a false recovery.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

Brainhurt's link is an excellent one with good advice for your situation. I have a post on there dealing with the false recovery we endured. It was truly awful. I have an entire thread dealing with H's affair and our recovery. Also, goldenyears is another BW in our age range. They recovered their marriage and are now happy after her husband's long term affair with a much younger woman.

My H loved attention from all kinds of women. He now gets that admiration from me. He is physically attracted to me, avoids porn, and has high boundaries around women.

My H and I are both retired and spend nearly all our time together. We enjoy each other's company and meet all each other's needs. We have almost no lovebusters (sometimes H will do things I find annoying, but stops them when I bring them up). And in the last couple of years, Dr. Harley advised us about a couple of conflicts regarding H's family.

The aversion and resentment will dissipate IF there is "just compensation".

AM

Thank you BrainHurts for the links. I'm now reading the FR posts-Lots of good information here I need.