Hello, I need advice big time. I have been with my husband for 14+ years (married 9) and have 3 boys. He has been having affairs for many of these last years. We have not had sex (not that I was not willing) for over a year now and about the same since he told me he didn't love me anymore. The last affair was different for many reasons. I was about done and he knew it and asked for one last chance. He has been trying to getting closer to God and I do believe he wants to change for Him. I have noticed he has been reading books like Every Mans Battle and Kingdom Man etc. He has been going to bible study and even went to counseling once with our pastor. I want him to get right with God and I have been waiting to see a change when it comes to us but I havent yet. Over the last year I have been told he is not attracted to me and I let myself go (in all honesty I have gained weight after 3rd son and I have tried to lose it but have not been successful yet) so I give him that one. He will say things like "I dont know what love it" and now its "Im not sure I have ever loved you". I ask why he married me then and I get because "I had the idea of a wife in my head and I thought you would be that wife but you didnt". I have been told now that Im not good at sex. That one blew my mind. The list goes on. He says he has NEVER felt loved by me which I have a hard time understanding because I have been so much in love with him from the beginning it hurts. I would always say I love you etc so Im still at a loss at how he didnt see it. After all the hurtful things I have heard from him I am crushed and at my lowest. He is trying to get closer to God and says he wants to work on it but Im not seeing it yet. I know nothing will be fixed overnight but how long is enough to see a change? If I leave we have to many bills to do it seperately and will probably have to declare bankruptcy which scares me. Plus I hate the boys not having a full time father. Does God want me to stay in this loveless marriage?

Hi, NMH,

Staying in the marriage is entirely up to you. As far as what God wants, Jesus made clear that He doesn't judge those who divorce an unfaithful spouse.

Let me recommend that before you make up your mind completely, you follow what Dr. Harley has described as the most important step in recovering from an affair: expose the affair far and wide to everyone that matters in your life and your husband's. Tell your children. Tell your parents and his parents, as well as any siblings. Tell his friends, tell his clergy. Also, tell the husbands of the women he has been having affairs with - expose them, too.

Get the truth out there and ask people for their support. Not all of them will support you, but even so, it stands a great chance of changing your husband's behavior. And even if it does not, it will be very beneficial to your children and to you, to get the support you need in the face of such extreme abuse (infidelity).

How many affairs has he had?


What do you mean by this?

When did the last affair supposedly end or is it active?

Welcome to MB

Your marriage is more than loveless, it is abusive.

You are married to a serial cheater. This is far different than a one time cheater, because your WH is addicted to the affair itself, rather than the woman he is in an affair with. He is addicted to the high of the secret affair. These type of cheaters are VERY hard to recover with, and for your marriage to ever be safe, your WH would need to commit to a very narrow path of recovery that would include following many extraordinary precautions and making your lives so integrated he would never have the opportunity to have an affair again.

Your first step will be to expose his current and past affairs far and wide, without tipping him off that you are doing this. There is absolutely NO possibility for recovery with a serial cheater without exposure. He needs accountability in all areas of his life.

Do you know who the OW are? Are any of them married?

Please read this. Serial Cheaters

Exposure must be the first step. If he truly wants to get right with I God I would think he would have no problem with complete exposure. It will probably still make him mad though. For your own sake, expose the awful abuse you have had to suffer.

Also for your own sake, don't get too hung up on what he says about you and your marriage. All waywards seem to say awful things about the spouse they betrayed. I know that in my case, most of the accusations about what an awful husband I was are false. It took me some time to remember them clearly after all her awful claims though. Don't let him rewrite your history to justify his actions. Nobody sticks around for 14 years to be with someone they don't like.

NeedMarriageHelp,

I hope you are still reading, one other reason to expose your WH, is the damage he is doing to other women and families. Your WH is going to end up at the wrong end of a shotgun someday.

Proverbs 6:34
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.

He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse a bribe, however great it is.

God Bless
Gamma

x 2

NMH, I don't know if you are coming back or if your post is a hit-and-run so I will post this now. Do as markos has posted above. I personally would not recover with your WH. My ex is a serial cheater so I speak from experience. Serial cheaters are a completely different animal. That WH is putting on a show about getting closer to God as he beats you down further with his cruel and insensitive words says a lot.

Please expose his adultery to family and friends for support. There are a lot of BWs who faced harsh financial situations like yours and they found the strength to walk away from their destructive marriages. Your sanity, physical and emotional well being are more important then staying in a nightmare marriage. You are not doing your children any favors by doing so either.

Prayers to you.