These points:

...did not appear in the article you linked, so I am still puzzled about that.

Oh I see the confusion. I didn't mean advice offered here. I meant advice offered by their MC.

So we already know that he is tempted when around this woman, so that is the first thing that should be removed from his life. If I am an alcoholic who is tempted by gin and marijuana, I should avoid those things.



This is the part that I was wondering about in this thread. People convince themselves of all sorts of stuff. I'm just wondering if they actually truly believe it if it works just because of that. There is all sorts of examples out there of that kind of thing. Waco Texas comes to mind. [/quote]

I don't think Dr Harley has any motive to "convince" himself of anything. His advice is based on clinical experience. This was also the conclusion of studies cited in "One Nation under Therapy."

FTF, I can see where you are going here. Either you are trying to get our help in fighting the nonsense coming from HeartLost's "marriage counselor" or you agree with her, I am not sure which. The bottom line is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I predict she will have to hit bottom in order to get it.

You're on to me. I certainly don't agree with the article cited or the advice being spouted by this councelor. And I have no professional training myself of course. So I defer to the expert. I admit I'm a Dr Harley fan boy. I just want to be able to argue these points from a place of strength. I really do enjoy talking about and refining my own knowledge regarding marital relationships.

My persistence makes me very good at my professional career. I'll admit it sometimes gets me I to trouble otherwise.

Gotcha! Did you read my explanation about the addiction aspect? This is what the MC is missing. The MC doesn't understand the addiction aspect of affairs and also has a strange view about forgiveness versus forgetting.

Like i said above, I can chant "I forgive....." over and over again, it won't erase an addiction and it won't erase the memory of the tragedy of the past. I wonder if the MC would recommend this method to rape victims and suggest they maintain contact with their rapist? That not only keeps the tragedy top of mind, but invites more rapes. That is what this couple is doing.

Well I certainly understand the rape analogy. But I do struggle with defending the addiction aspect of it. There was very little connection with this woman in particular. As a BS, I can certainly see how in time the triggers associated with even driving by her street are enough of a reason to get out of town. But I fail at convincing that this woman in particular is a threat.

The addiction aspect applies to the WS, not the BS.

I understand that part. I'm just not personally convinced he's necessarily addicted to this woman in particular. This is a guy out trolling. I get the impression she's just one of many.

The key thing to remember is that this affair with this woman has almost destroyed his marriage. Splitting hairs about the depth of his feelings does not remove the temptation that led to the affair in the first place. That is a very dangerous risk to take. Instead of minimizing and ignoring the risk, the safest path is to REMOVE the risk.

That doesn't mean that previous OP's are not a risk, it just means that a more global approach is necessary for recovery.

i am concerned that you are telling this poor BS that "you are not convinced" that this woman in particular is a risk. That is probably why she doesnt see the risk herself. Your powers of persuasion are not being used in her best interest.

Are you telling her you are not convinced this OW is a threat to her marriage? Is that why she is so averse to taking Dr. Harley's advice?

]
Is this why we are having to spend our free time having this discussion? Because you don't believe Dr. Harley?

No I've removed myself from giving advice once again until I'm asked again when all this blows up. I figure it will take about a year or so. Maybe less maybe more.

I will say that I'm totally flabbergasted by the response of this BS though. She is pretty consistent in her position that she is not bothered at all by the OW. Just today, as predicted, another neighbor mentioned the OW in conversation and she said she wasn't the slightest bit affected by it. I think it bothered me more than anyone present to be honest.

It doesn't flabbergast me at all. She will say or do anything to justify not moving. So sad to see where she is headed.

If her husband is a serial cheater, how much sense does it make to live next door to a woman who will cheat with him? That is like the alcoholic sitting in the bar all day tempting fate. Sure, the alcoholic can go find alcohol anywhere, anytime, but if the opportunity is sitting right before him every day he will be more likely to drink again.

I know. I guess we'll see what happens in this particular situation. I know what's likely.

Even though veteran posters here (Mel, Glove Oil, Sugar Cane) explained to me about the nature of my fWH's addiction, I did not get it. I had zero experience with any kind of addiction, too. And, that my fWH could lie to my face for 5 months during our FR, was incomprehensible to me.
I think it is fairly easy for a BS to deny to themselves that their WS is not acting sanely. Especially when BS's are under the extreme stress of newly discovered A's.
Not excusing this poster, just saying she doesn't see it. She believes her (lying, cheating, gaslighting) WH that he has no feelings for this OW.

My husband is far from and serial cheater, he also is not out here trolling. He has not had sex with any other women the 15 years we have been together. How I know is because we have lived together for 15 years and worked together, same schedule for most of them years. We have never gone out separate. We don't and have never been a party couple. When I busted the affair the husband of the other women even said " I know my wife is the one who approach your husband". I already knew that because he's never approached women. He didn't even approach me when we first got together. It didn't matter to me though who approached who because it doesn't hurt any less. You guys are more than welcome to continue and bash my husband because I will not move. You guys are absolutely nothing to me and do not know us personally. You can try and predict the future all you would like. I thank God I don't know any of you guys in real life! I do know fight the fight and I am actually extremely upset that he would even get on here and try and make my husband out to be something he absolutely is not. My god, he had an affair and is extremely remorseful and knows that if it happens again that he will lose his family. I will not try again. He will even loose his job because they say "if your wife can't trust you then how in the hell are we supposed to trust you running our business". there has been many many people there loose their job over an affair. They don't allow it. And if you know my husband there is only 2 things that would hurt him the most and that would be to loose his family and his job that he absolutely loves.