I didn't know anyone in his family, still don't for that matter, except for his kids. I don't think it would be cool to expose it to them.

It's too late to expose any further now.
You have already posted the OM on Cheaterville and he defended his adultery on there in front of the entire world. His family probably is just pro-adultery.

Just to clarify, no one told BlindSidedNM to expose now. I was pointing out that he never did a proper exposure. If you read a few posts above these that another poster explained that her WXH and OW are still together and she never exposed.

I am pointing out what Dr. Harley says all the time on his radio show, that exposure is the first step to killing the affair, but it has to be done on both sides.

Blindside,

I think these discussions are self defeating.
I understand that you need to see your ex wife and the kids are too young for something like a curbside drop off but you need to find a way to stop allowing this to rent space in your head.

I've suggested that you write to Dr. Harley but you haven't yet.
You need to be able to move on in life. You need to find the tools to help you do that.

I suggest you send the email to Dr. Harley
**EDIT**

His response to the cheaterville post revealed quite a bit about how my xW lied to HIM also. Unless he is lying, she told him that she was single and struggling financially while raising two kids alone when she was in fact married and I was watching the girls all day every day while she was at work. She also lied to him about a couple other things.

I exposed as much as I could at the time, I believe. I told all of her family, my family, and as many other people as I thought would care. I looked at his Facebook friends and could not distinguish between family and others, except for his kids. The people here in NM, especially the hispanics, don't think adultery is anything to be concerned about. I know so many people who have cheated it is mind-boggling. I really think it is regarded as the betrayed persons fault.

I understand everything that you all are saying, and I don't disagree with much, really. You have to remember that I am basically doing as much of a Plan A as I can, being nice, doing things she asks me with regard to the girls. I'm not going out of my way to ask her how her day was or anything, as I don't think it would help since she is still seeing the POS. The car incident brought back a lot of negative feelings, but those only lasted a day, maybe. It's not like anything is different from a month ago because of it. I am basically much more content with things as time goes by. I am still not okay with it, but it's part of my reality now and it doesn't drag me down like before. I just have moment here and there.

As an example of the Plan A effort, she has asked quite a few favors lately, particularly if I could keep the girls an extra night or a whole weekend instead of a half. This weekend I am keeping them til Sunday again because she has a funeral to attend for a client who died suddenly. I have always said yes to her requests. She always thanks me and seems sincere and is always pleasant - quite a departure from a year ago when she was still angry and vengeful during our interactions. I am hoping all the death and bad stuff will wake her up to what is important in life, which doesn't include a fractured family.

As far as my situation goes, my health is almost back to normal, my kidneys started working again a couple days ago, my energy is up and all I have is a residual cough. Sunday I have a big meeting with the 3 other people who are principals in my new company. We are hashing out the shareholder agreement and next week I hope to meet with the SBDC and get the corporation formed. The engineering is done and the prototypes will start getting made in a few weeks. Trademark filings, bank account opened and investor funds deposited. Things have been held up a little because of my 6 weeks of trying not to croak. Lots going on there.

Then at my regular job... I work for the state government and my department is heavily involved in the 60-day legislative session that just started. I will be very busy in the next 8 weeks. I am very busy and very distracted from all the bad stuff. I actually had 3 dates with someone I've known a while, but she decided that she's not ready to date yet after her last relationship and put that on the back burner. Probably a good idea. I don't know that I am ready yet. Not sure I ever will be.

I'd also like to share an observation of the last 18 months-ish. I've been told by a few people that the affair won't last, and I have gotten advice, sometimes it aligns with Dr. Harley's, sometimes not. But one thing I have noticed is that my friend has been pretty much correct on some things (he's the one who led me to Dr. Harley, he restored his marriage with his WW). He is a devout Christian and believes that God will work things out (not sure if that's working for me). Anyway, he told me to watch all the bad things happen to her because of her adultery. Since then, she has had a lot of bad things happen. A couple good things, but a lot more bad. She's barely getting by financially. She got in an accident and had to have her car fixed. I think her clientele is thinning out (not totally sure). She's gotten some bad reviews online (she never got any when we were married). Two of our three dogs (which she has) have died. The third is terminal with bone cancer. Her client just died. None of her family is cool with POSOM. She got into another accident that totaled her car. She had to get a car loan to get a replacement (more financial stress). Knowing her, she is not dealing with all these bad things very well. She is putting on a good show for me, but I know better. Oh yeah, POSOM hasn't helped one bit with her finances. He comes for the freebies and then goes home.

Now, what has happened to me since? I got a job where I was able to learn SolidWorks and get my model built. I met a random girl who had an engineer friend who has helped me get the product ready for manufacture. I met some other people who wanted to help (unsolicited) with funding. I got assistance to get hearing aids, and through that agency I got a better job in a market with NO jobs. I then got hired at that job (and had to turn down another job). Pretty much nothing but good things. Other than my occasional emotional rollercoaster, I can't really complain. I think my buddy might be on to something.

Alright, that's all for now.

That's good.

Keep tight hold of this friend and follow his advice. Once you've survived an affair yourself you become experts in spotting them elsewhere. Then you see all the patterns that everyone else sees as random occurances.

Your friend is clearly a seasoned vet and is able to see a wayward and the consequences heading for them ten miles away without getting out of his seat.


Dr Harley tells us that a true marriage, conducted with care and respect brings us wisdom, additional ideas and enhances all areas of our life. It is no surprise that spitting on your vows and entering an abusive and freeloading relationship achieves the opposite.

I can see it and I'm not privy to most of it.

I do still want my family together. There is no one that I am interested in other than the mother of my kids. I've been on quite a few dates and nothing feels right.

?????!!!!!!

You're dating?

Good grief man, what plan are you in? The poking things with sticks to see what happens plan?

You can't win your ex wife back while dating, it's unfair to drag innocent women into a situation where you are still in love and in contact with your children's mother.

He can date indie.

He is a single man.

Even if he does has love left for his ex.

Uh, just about everyone here (and elsewhere) has told me I need to "move on". It has been 2 years. And I've been told by female friends that I need to get a hot girlfriend to make her jealous. Not sure that's the best advice.

She had the POS sleeping in my bed and interacting with my kids before we were even divorced. I have to wait how long, exactly?

Waiting or not waiting to date is Your Choice since you two are divorced.

But, if you sincerely are attempting to ever Plan A your Ex-Wife back into a Marita relationship with you, do you honestly feel dating other women is any way to achieve that goal?

It seems as if your chances are so slim to do that though, so the Moving On With Your Own Life seems to be the healthiest choice.

But, you have to completely accept that she is gone and there is nothing that you gave done, or can continue to do to woo her back at this time.

You can't expect either choice to work out if you are only partially committed to both at the same time.

LTL

Well, I've also been informed that she's not going to reconsider unless the POS is out of the picture, and he's not.

Do you EVER read anyone else's topic threads?

That's what ALL Waywards say.

LTL

It's your life and your choices.

If you want to be dating, then quit moping around about your EX-Wife.

If you feel her and POSOM will end and you can be the husband she needs and you still want her, then only do things that can bring you back together.

LTL

What kind of woman is going to date someone plan a-ing his wife? The jealousy advice is juvenile.

I thought that too. I don't have a girlfriend, I had dinner a couple times with someone I'd enjoy being with. We didn't even kiss for Petes sake.

Like I said, I feel like I need to DO something with regard to my xW. The fact that I did nothing before we got divorced probably made her feel like I didn't care, which is not and was not the case.

Dr. Harley's advice for betrayed husbands is to do a great Plan A for about six months, Plan B for another 18 months, and, if the wife is still wayward after the two years have passed, the husband should move on - that reconciliation, while not impossible, is very unlikely.

Yeah but I never did a Plan A in the beginning. My foremost need in a relationship is affirmation. This is because my parents are not and never were affectionate people. I got bullied and teased a lot in school. As a result, I had to rebuild my self-esteem from nothing when I got out of high school. By the time I got out of college I was a pretty well-rounded individual. After we were married a while, my xW never gave me any affirmation for anything. She was always complaining and the only affection she gave was overt sexual advances, and if I did not respond, made her even more angry and distant. All I needed was for her to be nice to me the rest of the time and let me know that I was appreciated, but I got the opposite. Constant criticism from everything. When I lost my job, it got worse. I could do nothing right, even though everything I did was for her and the girls. I had no life of my own, few friends, I never did anything without my family which was the center of my life. By the time she 'decided' to cheat and leave me, my self esteem was zero. That is why I had so much trouble doing anything other than blowing gaskets and saying desperate things. I was at the emotional bottom, and it is not a place where I could subjectively deal with anything. I'm not sure I could have done a Plan A if I tried. Interestingly, SHE was angry also and continued to be very mean to me and all of our interactions included angry outbursts from her, and often times me as well.

Her affair seems to be as fulfilling as it is going to be for her, in my opinion. The POS comes over a couple nights a week and gets his fill and the rest of the week she is left to deal with the kids and work by herself. There is no ring on her finger, my kids haven't mentioned any new developments. Nothing has changed in quite a while as far as I can tell.

So the first year was being angry with each other. Her family could tell she was not happy, even the lady at the storage place told me that she didn't think my xW was a very happy person when I went in to change the credit card info.

Lately though she has been civil as I have. She doesn't say anything most of the time when we exchange the girls but occasionally we will have a short text conversation that is friendly if nothing else. I sometimes get the feeling that if I kept texting, she would continue the conversation as long as I kept it going. When I was in my house and I confronted her about the POS being there, I asked her why she was seeing him. She replied "because he paid attention to me", which tells me that her biggest need is affection. Would love to give her as much affection as she needs, but it is pretty hard when she treated me like crap all the time. It was this catch-22 that I tried to talk to her about but she never cared about my needs. I wonder if the affair is just existing for the sake of existing, and if I started "paying attention to her", that she might start climbing back over the fence. Just kinda giving you a stream of consciousness account, but that's what I'm thinking. I don't know if it's valid or not.

My church is doing a series on how pride destroys people's lives, using Samson as an example. The things that the past says remind me of my xW and the things she did and continues to do. She has unbelievable pride and I know that she would find it next to impossible to admit that she was wrong. This is why I keep saying that I feel like I need to say something or do something to tip the scales because they haven't moved much in a long time. She's not going to do it. Either I say something or I wait it out until the POS finds a more desirable situation for himself. If I don't, they might continue for God knows how long.

My friend's wife figured it out after about 3 years and went back to him. The other person she was seeing did nothing wrong and the relationship was strong. She just finally felt overwhelmed by the guilt and figured out that she was the one doing the damage. Not saying that will happen to me, but I have to keep hoping. I really don't want to date anyone else. I just want my family back together and to have those feelings with my xW again.

Incidentally, that friend personally knows three couples who got divorced and are remarrying. Kinda makes me hopeful.