I would say every BS feels like they are forced into this, whether Plan A or Plan B or recovery, against their will. Who willed an affair to happen? Who willed this destructive devastating event? Nobody asks for it, but all of a sudden, here you are. The question is, what are you going to do about it? You have before you a Plan that will protect your love for your husband, protect yourself from the abuse of infidelity, and set boundaries for what you are willing to accept in a marriage. Will you follow it?

One of the great thing about MB is that it gives you a plan. This plan you are putting into place gives you the best shot at saving your M. It can also give you peace of mind in knowing you can take action steps to help yourself.

Do you have SAA and LB's? If not, please start reading them today. They both gave me a great deal of insight and clarity when I was exactly where you are at. It also gave me a plan. A plan is a terrific asset that you can embrace right now.

Your H is running wild right now as expected. Each and everyday you are going to most likely see him shift in many different directions in deciding what he wants and doesn't want.

If you can just remain calm, this situation has to be given some time to evolve.

My FWW and I went through dividing up assets, discussing D on and on...I kicked her out of the house on DDay (this was prior to knowing about MB). She was out of the house for 9 months, we had a FR and STILL we have R our M.

We are 3 years into our new M and things have never been better for us.

So YES there is hope. Please surround yourself with family and friends plus try to keep as busy as possible.

What were his main complaints about you in the M?

OKB,
Do you remember how you talked to the OW, and she told you she talked to her husband? Well you said yourself that he was floored right? Are you beginning to see the lengths that your BH and the OW are willing to go to protect their secret relationship? They will lie right to your face. Your husband will never admit to it being physical. The important thing now, is You just inflicted major damage on their secret affair, and it will no longer be the same. There is now a huge source of conflict, that I hope you are starting to see, is the only way to break up the fantasy.


Your WH is reacting the same way all WH�s react to exposure. He is going to throw a temper tantrum. He will do and say vile nasty things the first few days. You need to weather the storm, and tell him you did this to save your marriage.


You did the right thing, and someday you will look back to the exposure, as the single most important thing you did in this whole mess.


Nobody is going to tell you your marriage is over. You just took the most important step to restoring it. Your marriage can be 10x better than it was before, if you will follow the advice of the members of this forum, and apply Dr. Harleys principles to your marriage. There are many stories on here, where marriages that looked completely hopeless, were saved. Have hope and be positive.


This is the kind of thing that snaps your WH out of fantasy land. He will wake up one of these mornings and realize what a dope he is being.

Ummmm....
This is all textbook. We would be much more worried if he wasn't upset over exposure.

From the Exposure 101 thread:

Link:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

I honestly don't get this at all.

You already told us this is an affair and that he admitted to every thing "except sex" despite the fact that you have evidence that they spent overnights together. ??? That's a lot more proof than most people have when they post here.

When I started posting here and when I exposed, all I had proof was excessive texting with a female coworker....and nobody, NOT ANYBODY, was going to convince me that something innocent was happening.

All waywards gaslight and deny so that's nothing new. Stop wringing your hands over this and focus on what's important. Plan B.

It is scary to see the life you knew spinning out of control and to want to stop it. What you are feeling is normal. No BS asked for his/her life to explode. However, you do need to keep a grip on the reality of the situation and not let fear or desperation guide you. There is still hope to recover your marriage but there is no way to side step the ugliness that comes about with infidelity.

Good job on exposing. That OWH is willing to stay in contact with you is a great thing. Does OW have children? Has her OWH exposed the affair in any way on his side?

With all due respect, it's time to stop talking and time to start learning and embracing MB.
Plan A is only meant to last a very short time for a BW and it is not to demonstrate what you listed "celebrate his successes" etc.

Plan A is only meant to show a willingness to meet ENs and avoid lovebusters and work on building a romantic marriage if the WS will end the affair.

He is away at school.
You cannot fill his lovebank while he is an active affair.
You become less and less attractive the more you more you pursue him while he is in daily contact with the OW.
You are putting your health unnecessarily at risk.

The only thing that concerns me is the stuff you were writing about not needing a romantic relationship in marriage. I would think about addressing this in your Plan B letter.

Just wanted to encourage you and say great job following through with exposure. This is the best thing you could have done right now, and as others have said, you will look back at this in a few months and be grateful for it no matter what happens here.

Here's what Dr. Harley said to me about when your spouse who is angry about exposure, and I thought it made a lot of sense. Might be helpful for you too:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=7024

My WW tried to convince everyone in her family that she and her OM were "just friends", and even tried the same with me until I got undeniable proof that this was not the case.

I felt very similar to how you are feeling about the "what if?" aspect of things. I think it's a form of denial, your heart telling you that what you've seen with your own eyes cannot be. I remember thinking at times "what if these things are some strange coincidence?" You're just struggling with coming to terms with who your husband has chosen to be because it's inconsistent with who you thought he was. It's a grieving process.

MelodyLane gave me the best advice that I'm going to pass along to you:


Nobody suddenly abandons their marriage for a "friend".


This woman is a lover, not a friend. You did the absolute right thing here, and you told the truth.

Your husband is going to continue swearing they were only friends because he got his hand caught in the cookie jar and he thinks saying that is his best ticket out of this mess. He didn't see any of this coming, the waywards never do.

Have you read this?
Please Explain Gaslighting

Do you have the book SAA?

I want to thank you all for your comments and encouragement. Unfortunately, I do not have the time at the moment to respond to each of you, so I will just give you a quick update.

H has not stopped his relationship. 'Nuff said. He has told me he has feelings for her (how weird that it was such a relief to finally hear it come out of his mouth!) He did tell me that he will, because I said if he had any care or respect for her, he would stop seeing her, and stop making trouble for her and let her deal with her own spouse without any interference from him. Not happening, of course, they were in touch just this morning and spent the night together last night. (anyone ready to jump in here with a "WE TOLD YOU SO"? )
I suggested reconciliation between us, he said not right now, he's not sure whether it's because of his feelings for her, or his anger at me right now, or because he doesn't want our marriage. I suggested leaving school, he said after this week, not a chance. (with at this point I am okay with because of aforementioned reasons)

The OW's H is not a lot of help right now, he claims to be suicidal. He did tell me that he and his W have a counselling session scheduled, but that is not until February. They have fought every spare minute, as far as I know, but I don't really have any answers from him. I do know from my husband that the OW is distraught over her husband and continues to do battle with him. She of course is turning to my H for comfort. I have not heard from her family etc. but I do know that one of their classmates has become a facilitator in their relationship. They have both turned to him to vent, and he is aware and supporting them. Nice, huh?

So, I am packed and ready to go.
Plan B will start on Saturday afternoon.
I have written my letter, the IM is in place and prepared, I have arranged to stay with family. Tomorrow, the IM's wife will be taking me to the bank to make all of the necessary changes. I do have a separate bank account of my own in the city where I will be staying and I will be transferring the appropriate funds. Other assets are protected already. This afternoon, will be spent putting together a temporary separation agreement (temporary as in it is not final and can be changed, not temporary as in next week we'll be back together) It will include provisions for him to provide me with an income at this time.

Separation and Divorce are handled quite different in Canada, ie, he can not wrack up debts that I would be responsible for, so for the most part, I feel pretty secure. Other than my nerves, oh, my nerves. I am however looking forward to the new me.
Can you think of anything I am missing? Or not following correctly?

Oh, also, yes, the books will be in my hands once I'm in the city. Could not order them before now, because I wasn't sure where I would be (ie, here, at his school, back with family etc.) But now, I will be settled for a few weeks, I can get them on their way.

There are often enablers of affairs like this, and yes they are sick people. In my situation it's a member of my wife's extended family who met his current wife while cheating on his first wife. My wife started talking a lot to this guy over the last several months and he's now the only person in her family she has regular contact with from what I understand.

The classmate in your situation is probably someone who similarly is morally clouded or a cheater themselves.

OKB, you sound like you're following the right course of action. Take care of yourself and don't let your nerves get out of control. See a doctor for some anti-depressants if necessary. Eat healthy and exercise. Try to get your mind off things. This stuff your husband is saying is all part of the wayward script. Just keep moving forward.

Have you told OWBH about MB? You should send him here so we may help because he's making horrible mistakes by fighting with his WW and we can help him follow a Plan.

Glad you're going into Plan B.

Sad situation. I'm not sure what brings it on in a person...any of it.

Thank you...I will see a doctor once I am back in the city, if my nerves are out of control. And I'm just back from establishing the sep agreement and am heading on the treadmill as soon as I'm done saying thanks.

I did tell OBWH about MB and asked him to join me here. He isn't very rational to be honest, so I don't know if he will. I also asked him about having his wife leave school etc., one minute he is on board, the next he says he's hanging himself (he has family support on that issue as far as he has told me) He doesn't know what he wants regarding separation or reconciliation either. I will be in touch with him again once I am back in the city. Thanks for the support Brain.

OKB, you are doing a great job! The things you are doing now are the most likely to result in reconciliation. While there are no guarantees, your exposure has created enormous conflict in the affair. It is dying as we speak. 98% of affairs die within 2 years of exposure. Just know that their affair is very unlikely to last.

Your IM is a man? Or the couple? Please be careful, and keep your boundaries in place. You are vulnerable right now.

You're doing great, OKB. Hang in there.

OKB, I agree with BH that you should do what you can to encourage OWH to post here and follow MB. That way he can win his wife back and she will stop her affair with your husband. I hope it works out for you.