Ha, she is having an EA. At least in married peoples vocabulary.

She was chatting on the couch, smiling. I asked casually who that was. She replied does it matter. I said, well your all smiles, I am just curious. And she replied that here we go again.

Well well well. I made a cool face and made me a cup of tea. But as she continued chatting, I felt like she was f***g right there with someone else and I was watching.

I felt like I should just take her phone and read the conversation, but was unsure if that would be the best plan.

On the other hand, in bed I figured that perhaps she is emotionally loaded and I could get at least laid. That did not work, but I tried.

I'll get them.

Honestly, Im a little relieved. It wasnt that I wasnt a good father, but she truly is confused. And sadly, in love with someone else.

To be continued.

Who is the OM?

Oh she is still far away in la-la land...

Best thing you can do is PLAN A her!
Meet her emotional needs, plan dates etc.

The OM is her coworker. Really difficult to Plan A her, if I am furious and angry.

She on the other hand is overwhelmed with guilt, I can see it. She nags about everything I do in the house, and I'm doing alot. She gets really upset, goes to her phone, chats or sends something, comes back, tries to make a good face but she is collapsing under the burden.

When I ask if there is anything I can help her, because she seems upset, she replies that she is fine.

How would you suggest to approach her anger? Aknowledging doesn't work. She is closed.

Also. I try to learn about Plan A, but can you point me to a place where I can see the steps necvessary to take? The only thing I find in this site is so generic its hard to understand what is required of me.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

You treat your wife nice. Be kind, meet her emotional needs, go on dates.

She is in lala land and is full of crap and will say things that hurt you.

avoid angry outburst, disrespectful judgement or anything else that could upset her.

Be the rock she can fall back onto.

When your wife get's angry: you repond with: "would you like a cup of tea?" and change the subject completely.

Meanwhile you have to start snooping behind her back... who is the co-worker, is he married, what's his e-mail, what's his address, what's his facebook, who is his manager at work.
When & where do they meet. You get as much info as possible.

You have to be very though to keep this up, I've been in your situation. Try to pamper yourself and do everything to get you into a good mood.

I know who he is, I know his FB, he is single, same age as her, she and him have same managers. They currently chat alot.

Is it okay to tell her how I feel when I see texting him constantly? Because I want to, I cannot silently let them do it!

It is fine to tell your girlfriend that it really hurts when she is texting this other guy. Tell her you made a big mistake in not asking her to marry you sooner, that once she is no longer talking with the other guy, you want the opportunity to win her over and to marry her.

Marriage really is a big deal; it's not just a piece of paper. If a man truly wants to spend his life with the woman he loves, he asks her to marry him and then provides extraordinary care for the rest of his life.

Alright. yesterday I wached in silent rage how she was chatting again with such intensity, it made my blood boil.

And then I did it, I stood up, took the phone from her hand and looked. She faught ofcourse, claiming I have no bussiness t odo it, that she has the right for privacy. She het me, kicked me, but I kept the phone.

And there it was. An excellent EA in its finest. They were flirting, talking about missing each other and planning a date later this week. Our sons birthadya, when my family would come to visit, she would go away (taht much she told me, and that was a big warning sign), and meet up this guy.

Well, I was burning in rage, but I did not get physical, I did not hit, I jus tkept the phone and let her hit me. She was furious. FURIOS. Afer that she told me "are you happy now!", "In the morning you will be gone", "are you enjoying yourself", "you wrecked everything".

She calmed down in about 2hs and we started talking. First time about us with some honesty. She simply was unhappy and then there was this guy in the right time in the right place and it just happened.

Classic. Now, I still refuse to move out so that she can nicely continue her affection. The OM has also head in the clouds, they have no idea what damage they are doing to our family. Granted, a lot of you will say: "But you are not married". Indeed, but the children suffer the same. Its their lives that will be ruined in this.

I have not yet figured out what to do, the only thing I know is that I won't let them have a NEW dad just move in and start playing family.

What are the laws where you live? Would you be able to obtain custody of your children? How does spousal support work in your country? Have you contacted a lawyer?

Taking the phone from your girlfriend was a mistake. Telling her that her relationship with this other guy hurts you deeply is fine, but grabbing the phone and keeping it is not. Have you done anything that has been advised to you so far?

Since you are not married, it doesn't make sense to expose. After all, you and she never made formal vows nor do you have a legal marriage (unless the laws say otherwise where you reside;) however, you could tell your closest friends and your family what's going on and ask for their help in keeping your children in your home.

Have you told your girlfriend yet that you made a mistake in not asking her to marry you? Have you told her that you are going to do all you can to be her greatest source of happiness? Have you started doing nice things for her, trying to meet her ENs? Have you told her that if she ends things with this other guy, you would like nothing more than to make her your wife - even if it's not the usual custom in your country?

You are correct in not leaving your home.

Where to start.

Them doing it under my nose, I stood up and you know whar? Anxiety is gone. I can sleep! It was perhaps the least elegant solution, but its all on the table now and I feel better. Stronger, well mentally.

Ad for suggestions:
Yes I told her that I was wrong in not marryng her 6 month after we met.
She said it matters not.
Yes I told her that I would like to the one she falls in love next time.
She smiled and said she doesn't want to fix a broken thing. She just wants out, for her this relationship is over.
Yes I have been extra nice. Words, actions, presents.
She finds it weird. Like why are you doing those things suddenly? I feel I have neglected her, and it is true, partly. I don't speak her love language well.
She refuses to acknowledge her EA. She says they are just friend. That she can really open up to him like never before to anyone. Yet they were planning a date. Yet they were talking how much they thought about each other and missing each other. And they still talk, which is logical.

I have mixed feelings. I feel heartbroken and betrayed. But strangely numb. I do still love her.

I didnt do public exposure. I did tell the closest families of mine, my partner and the OM.

But the strangeat thing has happened. I am no longer afraid.

People in affairs lie their teeth of. Don't believe anything she says about the co-worker... She is deeply in lala-land.


"Just a friend" Yeah Right!

I would write this collegue an e-mail, asking him politely to stop this affair, that it's wrecking your home and that your kids will suffer dearly from this affair if it goes any further. Tell him you love your partner.

He will know you know and that will hopefully be enough to get HIM from his cloud.

Be sure you do not put anything hurtful about your wife in the letter as she will surely read it at work too.

You should contact an attorney immediately.

If you are not married it isn't an affair and she is free to choose whomever she likes.

***EDIT***

I never mentioned their children and nor did he.

Just pointing out there were no formal promises and it seems unreasonable to hold her to a commitment she never made.

Or should her menfolk tell her what she really wants?

There used to be arranged marriages, do we now have arranged partnerships where one person nominates themselves spouse and controller? No need for you to speak immodestly in public darling! I'll decide what you want.

I never made religious vows when I married either but I was confident enough in making the choice to say the words out loud and write them down.

By the way, we non religious folk tend to be taken more seriously when we don't mock the beliefs of others.

Gerald,

If a man isn't interested in marrying you even after having your children, it sounds reasonable that she gave up and fell out of love. Nobody is saying her actions aren't painful, but they are trying to explain how a lack of commitment affects relationships and what the results can be.

IMO, the right thing is for him to win her back, realize the value of being a buyer, and keep their family together.

People can scream a piece of paper from the rooftops if they want, but that is usually said by those who won't stand up and do it. Mine was $250 civil. What stops people from demonstrating that? It is a symptom of the lack of commitment. And yes, it is different.

Of course winning her round is an option, but he is not going to get very far talking about it like an 'EA'.

That must be highly annoying.

***EDIT***