As long as she sees him and works with him, the affair is still on.

My wife made one last year, and we have a great marriage.

He responded well to my suspicions because he had nothing to hide.

Contrast that to 5 years ago when markos suspected me. I blew up at him at the mere suggestion that I was hiding anything ... because I WAS, and he got uncomfortably close to what I was hiding and protecting.

You are scared to death that your wife is going to blow up at you like that.

But I am telling you now that she WILL blow up at you like that eventually, whether you confront this affair or not. There is no way to avoid it. You can meet this head on and maybe save your marriage, or you can cower from your wife in fear and make things a million times worse when the truth finally comes out on its own.

She's going to blow up at you horribly, hideously, dramatically. She's going to tell you everything is your fault and you have ruined any chances there ever were of reconciling. Get used to that fact. It is coming, sooner or later. And her anger is irrelevant. That happens every single time, even in cases where the marriage is saved.

Obviously it HAS NOT STOPPED - THEY WORK TOGETHER.


You were experiencing a completely rational, NORMAL reaction to a risk to your marriage. When someone is being threatened they are naturally insecure.


She made you insecure with her risky behavior and then punished you for your reaction. That is all that happened here.


She successfully gaslighted you into silence, which is a very classic trait of active adultery.


In other words, she is trotting out all this nonsense to keep you off balance so you won't look at her affair. She has bullied you into submission and silence so you won't interfere with her affair.

You are being played, my friend.

They are carrying on their affair at work.

Your wife is abusing you to make you back off so she can keep her affair. It's the classic textbook of people who are having an affair. The correct response is to NOT BACK OFF. Don't blow up at her or fight with her, but don't stop investigating the affair, and don't keep it secret. Get your evidence and tell the world.

And stick to one thread - don't waste time asking about how to make love bank deposits.

As the others have stated, her love bank is closed to you and allowing you to make deposits, as long as she is still working with her OM.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Sir,

As someone who has just gone through what you are going through, I believe you are missing the forest for the trees and want to point some things out.

- If your wife is getting marriage advice or talking about intimate details of your marriage to other MEN, this is an emotional affair. She would not share these details with him if she did not have a great deal of deposits in her love bank from him. She has an intimate bond with him and has feelings for him, even if SHE doesn't realize it. Even if you don't want to believe that, this is a behavior that will destroy ANY marriage and if you do not fight it, your marriage has no hope. If she's open for volunteer advice on how to treat you, your marriage is toast. But honestly, connect the dots man, she's about to leave you!

- On contacting the other man's wife: Why don't you ask some of the married women here how they'd feel if they found out their husband was "giving advice" to a younger woman who's relationship with her husband is on the rocks? I betcha they'd want to know about it! You are doing this man's wife a huge FAVOR by letting her know that her husband has developed an intimate friendship with your wife while the two of you are having problems. You already know what this man is doing is wrong, and if you aren't sure, ask yourself if YOU would do what he's doing with someone else's wife. I bet you would not!

Your wife is WAAAY off the reservation here and you need to get the facts together and face this head on. There is no use in worrying about her reaction. She does NOT care about you right now and you could bend over backwards for her and she's not going to be happy with you. This other man has convinced her that you are a loser. You need to be focused on snooping, and then exposure. Continue to be loving/respectful to your wife, but please realize there is no excuse of any of the behavior you've told us about. She is being unfaithful to you and you need to think about that, and focus on snooping.

Also don't put too much faith in your MC's ability to detect an affair. My MC couldn't figure out my wife was cheating either.

Really? Why?

She has violated your trust and is talking about YOU and the intimate details of YOUR marriage with another man!

That's messed up!

Do you really believe that's less offensive than a false accusation of cheating?

And why are you even concerned about this other man and his wife? He is taking a dump on you by doing this with your wife! He is a despicable person with no honor to be getting between you and your wife like this. It's not honorable to your wife or to yourself to worry about the consequences this man will face. He is an enemy of your marriage and he is destroying it before your very eyes.

So, im took the advice and picked up two VAR's, Put one in her car and one in our bedroom. I left them there fri, sat and sunday. Friday she worked, saturday we were together all day with exception to when she went to the super market and night till bedtime, and sunday I was home most of the morning but left in the afternoon for the superbowl. The one in her car i took out last night to listen, and bedroom one I checked this morning. I caught 6 phone calls between the two. 4 where to friends, 1 was to her mom, and 1 was to someone from work for a work related issue. All 6 calls turned up nothing. Only thing mentioned involving me was how she is upset that im hurting so much. She feels bad that she has the feelings she has and knows how much its hurting me. There was no mention of anyone else. no mention of dates or anything of that nature. The convo with her mom confirmed she did stay at her Mom's as my wife filling and turning on her mom's dishwasher was mentioned. I put the VAR's back and will check again in 2 to 3 days... Question though... How long do I do this for? I understand that concept of being sure there is or isn'g another man... But how long before im sure there isn't?

I'm not sure what to tell you about how long to keep it there. But I would definitely continue monitoring it for awhile.

I have know people who had affair partners at work, who basically did not contact each other during the weekend. They don't have to, they have all week at work to be in contact. Weekend would be 'family time' as sad as that sounds, and they would avoid any contact not knowing if/when the other one would be 'unavailable' (with a spouse who may get suspicious) and not wanting to take a chance at calling and tipping anyone off.

So I would definitely continue monitoring during the work week.

And also, great job on snooping. I went back to reread your thread, to make SURE we were giving sound advice here. There is no other explanation for her behavior, it is textbook affair behavior. I know you want to protect your wife and save your marriage and family, finding out the truth is the only way to start doing that. So snoop diligently until you do find out the truth.

Since she has already been tipped off when you found the phone records and confronted her, any communication will be more hidden. She knows you are suspicious and she has told you there is no more contact, so she has to be careful to make sure it appears to be true. She is unlikely to use her regular phone (which she obviously knows you check), or take unnecessary chances with communication. My guess is that a lot of communication is going on at work during the work day, through work accounts you do not have access to, or even secret email or chat accounts that you do not know she has.

Do you have ANY access to work phone, email, computer, etc?

Well done getting the VAR in place. This is going to take some patience. If she admits to having feelings that she knows hurt you, she is feeling guilty about what she is up to.

What unwritten describes was my H's affair.

His OW was not a direct colleague - she was a client of his company. She lived in another country. They spoke to each for hours during the working week - they had phone lunches (and no doubt, phone sex) together every day, and checked in each morning and before they left for home. They did not speak to each other outside the working week because we - the unsuspecting spouses - were at home. Why would they risk getting caught?

They did send sexy text messages to each other before going to bed, if they could do so without being intercepted, but they never made calls. Indeed, it was my intercepting my H in the act of texting OW that revealed the affair to me. He would never have been caught like that in our house at bedtime, because if I or the kids were around when he was going to bed, he simply did not text, and he could always hear us coming up the very creaky stairs in our house, or opening an adjoining bedroom door.

However, I caught him texting when we were away from home, staying in an apartment in Paris, with no staircase and concrete floors, where he could not hear me coming. I dashed into the bedroom to retrieve my toothbrush before he settled down to sleep, and to my shock saw him texting on a workplace mobile that he told me he was only allowed to use in an emergency.

Your wife is having an affair, and she has strategies in place to make sure you do not find out about it. Well, you know about it now, and it is up to you to get concrete evidence.

What did she mean when she spoke to someone about about being sorry for making you feel this way? She wouldn't say that if she wasn't doing anything to make you "feel this way". She was talking about her guilt about the affair.

She is having an affair! Stop fighting this fact!

I misquoted you. This is what you wrote.

"She feels bad that she has the feeling she has"? She "knows how much it is hurting you"? Do you need her to spell it out in crayons? She is having an affair!

What on earth would make you think that you found no evidence of an affair? What would make you ask how long you need to keep this up for, as if, now that you've found nothing, you don't need to carry on? Why are you so anxious to ignore the obvious? Don't you see how badly that will harm your marriage? She is in love with someone else and she is torn between him and you - and possibly thinking of leaving already. Where will pretending that this isn't happening get you?

It will get you abandoned and eventually divorced, that's where.

That can't have been the only thing she said in that phone call. Even without mention of dates, either she was talking to a friend who knows about the affair, in which case there must have been more to the conversation than this, or she was talking to OM. You must be able to work out which it was. Please be more curious!

I checked recorders again this morning... Again nothing suspicious.. More talk about me but not much... mentioned to her friend that ive been giving her more space... also mentioned monday night i didn't come home till late, she didn'tknow where i was, and couldn't get intouch with me, she was worried about me. There was 5 calls recorder this time checked. 3 to friends, 2 to her mom. I have confirmed they are friends based on the discussions, talking about there kids or other friends, Her Mom i validated by hearing her speak of her mom coming by the house which im aware of, and also talking about her mom's boyfriend. I was only asking as to how long i do this for two reasons.. 1 the longer i do it the higher risk of getting caught... and 2... Im anxious to start a road to repair, That will take time in itself, and the longer this goes on the harder it gets for me.... I understand if its an afair, vrs not an affair there will be different methods to fix it... I just want to fix it... ;o(


IN addition... we spoke a bit about us... She emailed me the below on Monday...


"Listen, if you think I�m going through this without a feeling without being sad, angry, confused, hurt then you are crazy. But anytime I show any sign of emotion you take it the wrong way so I�ve completely shut off from showing you any emotion. If you think I don�t know you are crying every night you are crazy. If you think I can�t hear you crying you are crazy. If you think it doesn�t rip my heart out you are crazy. But it also pushes me farther and farther from you. I need a separation. I need to be alone. I need to not need you. I don�t need you the way you need me, its mismatched. I HATE hurting you, but I don�t want to hurt either.

I�m sure you are going to write an email 2x as long as this one, rebutting everything I just said� please do not send it to me. I�m so sick of having everything I say rebutted and argued. It�s like what I say doesn�t even matter. "


Yesterday i asked a bit about this.. what she ment by needs to not need me? She said she wants to feel more independent.. i said i dont understand, I dont control you... she said your right, you never keep me from doing things, but make me feel bad about it.. her example was from over a year ago, she went out with my sister and came home 3 am... I was upset becausae theycame home and made a ton of noise... I said if you wake up these kids ill beat you both.. ( joking of course )... she never said a word back then, but now says it made her feel guilty for going out and having fun one night....

I also said to her, I dont need her to breath and to be happy... I want her... She said i get that.... that was really it..

In your desperation to give up on the fact that this is an affair, and to move on to recovery steps, you've ignored our questions and dismissed what we have been telling you about the fragment of conversation you reported the other day.

Not sure why you would say this... I said there was nothing out of the ordinary... Do you want the details that have nothing to do with my situation? She talked to her friends about there new puppy, and how gross it was to clean up its [censored] in the yard... She talked about getting her nails done... she talked about the weather... about the kids... There was nothing mentioned that would indicate an affair.. no hot steamy nights of sex, no emotional discussions about how a OM makes her feel, NO mention of a guys name, no responses that would indicate a friend asked about OM... It was normal talk.... I haven't dismissed ANYTHING...