Hi everyone.
I've found this website most helpful.

My story:
I'm a normal bloke, late 40's, my wife is a normal, Christian woman, early 40's. We have been married 19 years and have two children - one's 16, the other 13. We live in our own home and we have our own business. My wife works in her chosen career, (not in our business) she's in a professional role. I love my wife dearly and love my kids.

Almost 2 weeks ago, the bomb dropped, and I learnt that my wife was having an affair with a married, but separated man. (He's been having difficulties in his marriage for the last 2 years) She has described it to me as an "emotional affair" but it has gone to "physical" too, once, she tells me.

She, at first, denied it, saying it's all lies. Then she came semi-clean and admitted the "emotional" side. Lastly, she admitted the "physical" part a few days later.

She says she no longer is in love with me and am contemplating getting her own place. She feels she is at a crossroads in her life.
At this point, she has told a close friend and I have discussed the matter with her pastor. I say "her pastor" because I'm not a practising Christian but I know her pastor well, through work and feel I can turn to him for help, without involving family or friends. So far, none of our (other) friends or children or family know about this.

She has called it off with the other man and obviously is quite embarrassed about it. I have been super supportive and understanding and have tried to talk about it, trying to re-assure her of my continued love, and she has decided to see a councillor.

What concerns me is that she is not wanting to see the councillor with me and the councillor is encouraging her to first see her alone. She is not prepared to give me any hope of reconciliation and simply says that she has decisions to make.

I have been a loving and supportive husband and we have had a good, physical and emotional relationship for the last 20 years together. We work hard and we are both active in sport, don't drink excessively or have any other unhealthy habits. My wife assures me that I am a good husband. She says: "It's not you".

I have a stressful job and I admit I can sometimes be a bit distracted as result of that. Life is tough in our industry and money is sometime tight. The man she has cheated on me with is not exactly that well off either, so it's not the money.

We have plenty of common interests but my wife has the same sporting interest as does this bloke, so they trained together and got close.

I am devastated. Not because of the affair, which I can accept because it can happen easily as I have read and happens to lots of people. What stresses me out beyond bearable capacity is the fact hat my wife seems unconcerned about ending a 20 year relationship to somehow "find herself".

I don't know what to do. She says I need to give her "time". I feel shut out of the decision making process and, while I fully understand the lack of any physical interest in me at the moment, I am struggling with my life in that it all feels like a lie. I am not coping, which is affecting my work and I am feeling emotionally drained and in danger of calling it quits.

We had a lovely Christmas holiday together with no indication from her that anything was going on - and yet she was already having an affair. We go away without the kids from time to time for "us time" and, the last time that occurred, there was also no indication from her that anything was wrong between us.

I remain committed to sorting this out and I have forgiven my wife the infidelity. I love her and cannot imagine a life without her. I do not want to put my kids through this, but that is not my primary consideration. Primary is my love for my wife.

Any advice will be appreciated, thank you.

Kind regards,
Mark

Hello Mark, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You are in the right place if you want to save your marriage and are willing and able to take some very tough steps.

First off, the reason your wife is considering leaving you is because she is high on the fog of her affair. Affairs are addictions very much alcohol or drug addictions. They absolutely impair the addicts judgment.

But, we do have a plan that usually works if you are willing to take proactive steps. It is a 2 part plan, called Plan A. The first part of this plan is to destroy the affair. If the affair is destroyed, the spouse is much more willing to work on the marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so the greatest weapon against the affair is exposure. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, is a clinical psychologist and author of the book Surviving an Affair and here is how he describes exposure:


The second part of the plan is present yourself as an inviting, attractive option. Many betrayed spouses make the mistake of lashing out in anger. When you don't' act like that, it gives the wayward spouse second thoughts and often attracts them back to marriage *IF* the affair is crumbling. This is why exposure and fighting against the affair is so important.

It is a 2 prong approach that is the most effective plan I have ever seen. Those of us here that are in recovered marriages, attribute our recoveries to exposure.

Please go read the exposure thread linked in my signature along with the links in the "start here first" thread at the top of the forum. Come back and we can help you with next steps.

Hi melody

Thank you, I have read all of those, and I'm afraid I'm none the wiser.

The first thing I did, on the morning I found out, was to go to the man's work, go sit down in his office, and politely told him to leave my wife alone. I have had to follow this up once in reply to a txt message from him to her, by saying "Leave my wife alone". He has asked me "what about my happiness" and I replied that he needed to find his happiness with someone that's not been married for 19 years, most of those very happily.

I have not yet told the kids as I don't think it's going to be beneficial to my relationship with my wife to "out" her to the kids. Likewise our friends. I will obviously change my position should she continue seeing him.

What steps can I take to help her engage with me in the path to recovery?

How do I make her see there is a future for us?

Kind regards,
Mark

I insisted that my wife cut all contact with him and it seems she has.

Like I said, you should expose the affair. It is a very effective approach. Did you read my exposure thread? That will run him off. He is probably very married and even if he is not, exposing the affair wide and far will wreck it. Other men are abject cowards who do not want the trouble.


It will be extremely beneficial to expose to your children and all of your friends and family. It ruins the fantasy. The children need to know she is wrecking their family over a big fat nothing. They have a right to address her reckless behavior since it affects them.


Expose the affair.


Expose the affair.

Expose!

I think it's also important to expose as widely and as quickly as possible. To be most effective, you want the exposure to drop like an atom bomb on the affair.

First of all wake up!
Second you are in denial!
Third, expose!

If you dont want to follow advice here, i would suggest you go to another site or do nothing(it is the same thing)

You need to expose the affair to kill it. The OM has already told you he is more concerned about his happiness than your marriage. If you are more concerned about protecting your wife's image vs killing the affair, you will not recover your marriage.

Welcome to MB, Mark

If you read all that then you are wiser but are more afraid and choose to not follow the prescribed MB plan.

Contact the OM's BW and expose. They probably aren't separated and he is lying to your WW about being separated.

Firstly, thank you everyone for the response.
I understand the advice of "expose" but we live in a small, small town, so I don't particularly want the whole world to know what's going on. It's not how I'd prefer to play it.

I'm hoping to hear therefore if there are any other options - first - before going that route.

Secondly, Everything I wrote are facts. If I say a man has been separated from his wife for two years, then that is so.

I'm also 99.9% sure that my wife has not been in contact with him since the truth came out. Again, as I said - it's a small town.

You have no hope without exposure. It hard to fight an affair when you are an enabler

In that case, there is nothing we can do for you. Hiding the affair only serves to enable it and causes it drag on for years. The longer you hide it, the more entrenched it becomes and the less likely your wife will ever wake up from the fantasy.

Dr. Harley addresses the practice of enabling in this radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

I wish you the best....

You sound like so many(including me) newly betrayed men. There are no new situations, your story is the same as most.
The steps and plan does not give alternatives just because you live in a small town.
If you dont want to follow the steps here, then i suggest you do nothing.

Good luck!!

No one is advising you to expose to the whole town. Key exposure targets are OMW, OM's parents/sibilings, your family, WW's family, your children, and any close friends of influence. That is maybe 15-20 people.

If you live in a such a small town and OM lives in the same town, you won't recover anyway. Your WW and him will always be in close proximity and it will be death by a thousand cuts for you. If OM isn't going anywhere then you need to move.

Your WW doesn't need space to "find herself." All she will be doing in carrying on her affair without your interference. She will be "finding herself" in OM's bed.

Does WW work with this loser?

It's particularly silly to not expose to the children. This affair has been going on some time and you have NO idea what they have seen and overheard. Tell them the truth and encourage them to do the same. He's a heartbeat from being their stepdad and the sex abuse risks are enormous when a stepfather is an OM.

Any child over 4 will be aware something is very wrong and given your wife's nasty new personality, they need to know it's not their fault.

It would certainly kill the A if the whole town knew, but you don't need to go that far.

Just ensure you tell your family, her family and her workplace if a workplace affair. His family, his Betrayed Wife (separated my eye!) his friends and friends of you and your wife.

Talking to two crackheads, who already know they are destroying their families will do nothing. Talking to the waywards indeed! They've been practicing a show down with you for ages.

Like talking to a half brained drunk, right?


But invite an intervention of loved ones to come watch them shoot up - it stops being fun.

Is your wife under the impression she can cheat on you with silent impunity? Telling no one? That you will allow her to teach the children how to lie and cover up the A?

I think that's a very poor and uncaring call.

The ages of 13 and 16 are vulnerable ages. Do you really want them to learn how to lie and cheat? To trust some strange bloke mum is powerless against?

Lying is like covering up a nuke with a blanket. They will find out and they will discover you don't have this in hand.

You see, all waywards ask for 'space' and to 'find themselves'. Tell her to look in her shoes.

It's code for 'I can't stop. Its an addiction. Take the bottle away - and endure my fury for a while when you do'.

I didn't include the all time classic though: 'It's like I love you but I'm not in love with you.'

Btw, separated is still married. He is keeping his wife on the backburner. You must tell her your wife destroyed her marriage.

It must be a small town if they can overhear her on her burner phone!

Besides, once you're gone its lots of space to get back in touch with him.

She will oust you before getting down to it in the affair.