Thank you Indiegirl for your very informative post, it's been most helpful.

Firstly, it seems I was wrong on the 99.9% part. Duh, me.

Found out Thursday morning before work what's actually been going on by doing a bit of snooping on the computer. Went to my wife's work and demanded the truth. She's not too happy with me about that; Claims I did not have the right to approach her at work. Luckily for her, only two colleagues noticed something was going on. Quite frankly, I was so annoyed at the lying that I did not care right then. Obviously, I don't want to embarrass her, but I won't live a lie.

I shared my story with her one colleague who happens to be a good family friend. Enormous weight off my back. Just being able to talk to a good friend has been great.

We've had a good weekend, so far, talking through it all. It's been very painful hearing about her feelings for the man, but at least we're talking. Progress!

I took the opportunity to re-read a part of Will Harley's very good book, Love Busters - Overcoming the Habits that destroy romantic love. Some great pointers in there. Specifically chapter 13 - Recovering from the Love Buster Infidelity. "Infidelity is an addiction to a lover." and "Dishonesty is the primary agent of infidelity."

I love my wife, despite all this. I love our marriage and I want to repair the damage. I hope we can work through this. I'm not giving up on her. The affair's been going on for a few months, so there's much damage to be undone.

On Monday night we're having counselling with her pastor and his wife. Wish us luck!

When you say "found out what has been going on", what was that? What exactly did you discover?

When you went to our wife's work and demanded to know the truth, what did she tell you?

So you told one colleague, and you are having counselling with the pastor and his wife. Have you researched their history of counselling after infidelity? What are their qualifications in marital counselling, and what is their success rate with rebuilding marriages after an affair?

How are you going to ensure no contact in the future?

Are you going to take any of the advice you were given on this thread?

WE will wish you luck since you will need it in the absence of a PLAN. No plan = no hope. You have no plan here so this is a hopeless situation. Did you want to save your marriage, Sir? Or are you here to blog about a marriage that could be saved if you would just follow a PLAN. Your pastor does not have a plan, I assure you.

How are you going to assure no contact from now on, in your small town?

How was she contacting him?

Mobile, but not saved to contacts, and deleting every txt and call record, but billing system lists all numbers called or txt'd.

Full physical and emotional relationship.

Pastor has helped many couples. I believe he follows the same principles as posted here.

No contact will be impossible, but possibly manageable. Will need to think about how we deal with that one.

Yes, I'm following the advice from MarriageBuilders.

Melody, with all due respect: Don't knock our pastor - he has helped many people, successfully, using the same principles as you propose.

So, yes, we do have a plan.

We will see if that is true. The plan for saving your marriage is on this checklist that can be found in the book Surviving an Affair. Is this the plan he is advising?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

If no contact is "impossible," then recovery will be impossible. No contact for life is step one. You can't go onto Step TWO until you have done Step ONE.


No you are not following Marriage Builders. Not even close.

If she remains in contact with the OM the affair is still on. There's no hope in recovery if she remains in contact. The OM is her drug and she needs to be cut off from him.

Who all have you exposed to? Who on OM's side?

You are not following the advice from Dr Harley, founder of Marriage Builders, if you are not doing all that is necessary to ensure NC for life.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. He must certainly not work with his former lover and should probably live in some other city or state. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Some radio clips where Dr Harley addresses the absolute importance of ending all contact for life: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

...........this radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the affair partner. This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2716
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2717
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2718

What are those principles? What does he encourage couples to do?

As explained prior, I own my own business. We cannot move as we cannot relocate the business. The man she fell for also owns his own business, same town. He won't move.

So, the issue is if we can't move, and I cannot force him to move, then it goes without saying, that, in a small town, our paths will cross. I have to manage that.

Luckily, his wife wants him back, so hopefully, they sort their problems out, as we are working through ours.

Please understand that we cannot move. It's not that it's not "practical". The reality is that various contractual obligations which stand for some years prevent me from moving the business. That is the way it is. I find it hard to believe that I'm the first person to seek help here who has a problem like this. I'm sure there must be many people who cannot just up and move.

Who all have you exposed to?

I am so sorry to hear it. But, it is a free country and you have every right to sacrifice your marriage for your business. No one would fault you for that.

I would only add that you WILL NOT move. Unless you are indentured servants, you CAN move. But again, it is your choice to sacrifice your marriage for your business. That is your right.

you can put someone in charge of the bussiness and start a second bussiness in another place.

Mark, I'm so sorry. D Day #2 will hurt even worse, but at least you will have more of a clue then.

Come back when your marriage (or even yourself) comes first.