I was going to ask if there are times when she is looking for "space" and has access to another phone computer, etc. and then saw this...


Is it possible to quietly get a VAR put into this room that your W is using at her mom's? Maybe go over there with fresh flowers or chocolates to put in the room and telling your MIL it's a valentine's surprise?

To recap:

1) Start Plan A - stop begging, pleading, acting sad. Be pleasant, look your best, avoid relationship talk, make the home an inviting place to be...engage in activities with the kids and invite WW along.

2) Don't bring up the OM anymore. Not even just casually. Don't look for ways to get your WW to "reassure" you that there is no affair.

3) SNOOP. As I posted, your WW knows you are on to this OM, so she is being careful but you will need evidence in order to move on to your next steps. We have no doubt that you can get it - but you are going to have to stop making excuses and start getting creative and serious about this.

RED FLAG! He doesn't work for her or in her department, but was there helping..

Also, start sleeping in your own bed at night, every night. If she wants to sleep downstairs, that is up to her, but you have every right to sleep in your own bed.

So, some updates... First off, I want to say, my head isn't in the sand, its hurting.. I am listening to all of you and attempting to prove or deny its an affair, I have done all advised snooping except for a PI to date. Yesterday we were supposed to go to my uncles for dinner, she said we should just meet there cause she was still at the office and everyone else had left... I was suspicious about this since the OM was there earlier in the day... I decided to put the kids in the car and go to my uncles. On the way i went by her office, parked in the lot next door where i could see all cars gone except for hers... Again i was thinking maybe she went someplace with him... so I waited... she texted me that she was leaving I said ok so am I... I watched her leave alone and head to my uncles...

im not sure what else you all want me to do other then what i have been doing... VAR, Snooping on phone, following her, checking FB and her email when i can. There is no way for me to check her office or office phone. i am using VAR and so far found nothing. You all keep badgering me that im not listening, that im not snooping, that im making all the wrong moves... I confronted her 6 months ago! I dont bring him up, she does at times along with all other coworkers. I am supportive and loving when home. I am still being a husband and enjoying the kids.. making it more inviting. I have slept in my bed the last 4 nights, as she has too... the last two nights it wasn't even a discussion, i was in bed first and she came to bed. I still honored our anniversary got her a nice card and gift even though i got nothing in return. I am continuing to snoop as i have been for weeks... I stepped it up a week and half ago at all of your suggestions... Yet again you all tell me im not listening? Other then a PI.. can someone please explain to me why you think im not listening?

oh, and one more thing.. her new office is around the block from mine.. so i will now be spending my free time, Lunch and down time doing drive by's and watching the parking lot to see if they leave together ever... This will be random during the day so it will take luck to catch them if they do.. I still have my own job to do too.

Did you see this?

Did you see this?

Thoughts??

We KNOW what you are going through, ESL. We are not ignorant to the pain you are going through.

That is the reason we post here and try so hard to get through to people.

It sounds like you are getting more serious about snooping and that's a step in the right direction. But this is the thing....you have seemed defensive that there is an affair from the start. It's a red flag to posters when we have to really twist people's arms to do things like install VARs and hire PIs. If people understood how vital this step is, I don't think they would drag their feet so much.

Your mindset needs to be: There is an affair. I just need to get the proof so that I can take steps to save my marriage.

If that was your attitude, I have no doubt you would be able to get the proof.

Not sure what the value was of confronting her, however, your snooping needs to be productive and so far it has not been. Do you have spyware on her phone? What is she doing when she spends the night at her mothers?

We are fighting you in an attempt to save your marriage. You CANNOT SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE until you uncover this affair. Do you realize this?

We need you to step it up and be creative and PROACTIVE in getting the evidence. I feel like you are reluctantly pencil whipping this exercise because you find it unpleasant.

I am not going to post to you again until you get the evidence because I view this as a lost cause if that doesn't happen.

Yes I saw them both... im considering a way to put a VAR in her mom's place... that will be a bit tricky... your suggestion of the flowers is a good one.. I didn't discredit it, i have to figure out a way to do it.

As far as the counsler.. im not discrediting your opinion on it.. Im not so sure your 100% accurate. Its been in therapy that she has finally started to open up a bit about issues... none of the issues are things that can't be worked on... but if it wasn't for therapy i wouldn't be aware of the issues.

im trying hard to get evidence.. im not at all saying there isn't an affair... Im saying that so far no evidence with all my efforts.. That either means i haven't found it yet or there is none. Again, im not saying there is none, but what if there isn't? my questions are based on, how long and hard to i do this and find nothing before There isn't an affair? Plesae let it be clear im not saying there isn't one. The likely hood of there being one is high, 90% or more. I wouldn't say 100% until there is clear evidence. Ive been trying all recomendations except PI at this point. Spyware im not sure if i can do, ill try, but this will require a good length of time on her phone to set up correct? The only time i have is when she showers or if im lucky enough to shower myself and she left her phone in the bathroom. Its rare that i have more then 5 to 10 min on it and its at random times. im just speaking reality of my situtation.. if i get a chance with more time on it ill certainly put spyware on it. She is in IT as am I, so i need to be careful as she could find something i put on it if she is looking for it. Also her being in IT could be why there isn't much evidence on phone or email. Hence the VAR being the most valuable asset at this time.

I said I wasn't going to respond until you got some evidence, but feel I must address this comment. These "issues" are a distraction from saving your marriage. They are thrown out there by your wife to throw you off balance so you won't take a hard look at the real "issue" which is her affair. And it is working.

This "counselor" is not doing anything to save your marriage, he/she is only validating your wayward wife's marriage wrecking goals. Has the counselor uncovered the affair? Has the counselor suggested she end the affair? Has the counselor counseled against this fake "trial separation?" Has the counselor counseled against her night apart at her mothers?

Does the counselor have a plan to save your marriage? Absolutely not. The counselor has absolutely no idea what the source of the problem is and has no earthly idea how to save a marriage. The counselor does not understand that your wife is only attending counseling so she can say with confidence - when she dumps you for the OM - that she "tried." It is a sham and an act.

Your "counseling" is like busying yourself with fixing the doors on the sinking Titanic.

You saying you are in IT does not help your case. We have had numerous people on here who know absolutely nothing about electronics or technology, people with no money to invest in PI's or other means of spyware, people with far greater hurdles than you who have been able to get it done and get the evidence.

My H has an education in IT and is very gifted with technology, whereas I am technologically disadvantaged to say it politely. I was able to find out about a decade old affair with a woman I didn't even know the name of through spying and secretive methods. If I can do that then you should be able to find out about a current affair with someone you actually know.

The difference is that I knew there was a secret, and I was not about to stop until it was discovered. I was tenacious and determined at finding out the truth. That is what posters do NOT see in you, and why you are feeling a little heat here.

And, I am sorry you are having to go through all this . You are in a community of people who understand that pain.

You are not trying hard enough and your commitment seems very weak at best. We can smell the posters from miles away who DON'T WANT to find evidence. We ALL see that in you! These posters are the ones who want a plan that includes fixing the marriage and not addressing an affair (as you have flat out asked for numerous times).




This is why it completely boggles my mind when people fight against quietly snooping. It doesn't hurt your cause to Plan A and snoop. It is win-win. While trying to save a marriage when there is an affair without addressing the affair is lose-lose.

I am 99.99% sure that this is an affair and most other posters are as well.

You already have evidence of a budding emotional affair (secretly texting each other) and you already know she wants a "separation" - to the point that she is actively pursuing nights outside of the house. These things in isolation would make me about 90% sure something was going on. Together - there is no question in my mind.

The only question is whether you do everything that you possibly can to get the evidence.
So far you haven't.

Agreed.

You need to start listening to ML. You don't want her to abandon your thread. That would be a colossal mistake!

I sent my sister here in 2009 when she believed her WH was in a MLC. I strongly suspected an affair but could not convince her. She DID NOT want to hear anything about that. I was able to get her to post here on MB (her thread was lost in the "crash" of 2009)

ML almost single-handedly helped her not only get the evidence (w/n about a week's time), but successfully expose and recovery her marriage.
I literally sat by my sister's side many days and said - Do what ML is telling you to do!! And her M is recovered today.

You don't want to lose ML and she's getting ready to abandon the thread. I hope you start listening!

Why are you reluctant to hire a PI? You have said several times that you have done everything except that. Why are you not doing that?

Why does she stay at her mother's on the night she goes for IC? I smell a rat there.

You know that she does indeed go to her mother's because you have checked with her mother. How do you know that she goes to IC, or that she is there the entire time she is not at her mother's? This is where a PI will help you. If yoU set him or her up to trail your wife on IC night, I'll bet you get instant confirmation of this affair.

Why do you assume that it will take you a "good length of time" to set up spyware on her phone? Who told you this? You haven't taken this basic step, despite the fact that you do get your hands on her phone from time to time, and yet you tell us you have done "everything" except a PI?

Downloading spyware will take about a minute. You make the purchase from any device, making sure that she does not see your search history, and she does not read the credit card bill when it comes in. You need to supply the company with your email address, and they send the spyware to that address, by email.

You need to open the email and download the attachment to the device that you want to spy on. That will take you a minute.

Everything else, you do from a different PC, but the download must be done on the phone itself.

Once downloaded, the spy reports will be sent to your email address. You need never touch the phone again.

One minute with her phone is all this will take. You have not done "everything, ESL. Not even close.

All.. i called some PI's I can't afford them.. well over a $1000... but thats besides the point now...

I did my own snooping again today.. I parked in the office next to hers with view of the door and both of there cars... at 1pm i watched them both walk out and get into his car... I had to stay out of sight, and when they left the parking lot I lost my view and what direction they went.. I spent the next 30-45 min driving around the area looking for his car to see where they went, I wasn't able to spot it. I could have missed it or was looking in the wrong place. regardless... im trembling in sadness and anger... I dont know what to do now....

Are you ready to move this thread to SAA yet??

Click notify and the moderators will take care of it for you...