Dear All,

I should start by telling you that my partner and I are not married. However, I should stress that for all intensive purposes (other than on paper) we have exhibited the same level of commitment and lifestyle as a happily married couple. Or at least we did for 6 years (we have lived together for that entire period). As such, I hope you are able to indulge me and perhaps even offer some form of advice.

I am 29 years old and my partner is 26. As you can deduce, we have been together from a young age, and to a certain extent she has been sheltered from the "real" world as a result. This has not had anything to do with my behaviour (not jealous or controlling personality), but more just a result of life and lifestyle.

As of 2.5 years ago, she enrolled in law school in order to embark on a legal career. I fully encouraged and supported this (as did her parents), including spending time tutoring her on various topics, as well as providing emotional and general life support as the hours dedicated to study were taxing. Over the 2 year period of her studying, we continued to be very happy with life, each other, and had a plan for a future together.

She attained full time employment at one of the top legal firms in the world as of September last year. This effectively constitutes a 2 year rotation programme, subsequent to which, you are deemed a fully qualified lawyer. The hours are notoriously diabolical (12-14hr days are regular) and equally notorious are the strains that this places on personal lives. I am happy to divulge more on this - but suffice to say that from the day she started work, our time for each other, general intimacy and sex life started to suffer drastically.

She is objectively a highly attractive girl, and would be considered one of the most attractive at the firm. As such, and in a particularly male dominated environment, she began to receive a lot of attention. She began to crack in November, with regular messages and emails sent back and forth with a co-worker. As to be expected this started with the co-worker sending harmless but consistent emails of advice, work related support, etc, before moving on to catching coffees. This then quickly escalated to sexting and her sending him nude pictures of herself. Needless to say, by this point our sex life had hit an absolute rock bottom (maybe 2-3 times over the course of December).

Before I found anything out, we had a couple of talks about not being happy, and she suggested that she go away for a week with her mother to get her head straight. It was becoming increasingly obvious to me that things weren't right.

It was 2 weeks ago on Sunday, following one of these discussions, that I decided that there must be something else going on for her to be so distant and uncommunicative. I did some digging and discovered pictures on her phone and confronted her. She divulged all - and told me that she has kissed him on a couple of occasions but they have not slept together, but that she wanted to. There was very little screaming/shouting, but I walked out on the same night to sleep at my brother's place. She panicked and called consistently for several hours. After work the following day, I returned to the house to discuss things logically and level-headed. She returned to the house and showed me an text exchange between her and the co-worker asking him not to contact her again and about her regret (funnily enough v.similar to the letters that have been proposed/written here on MB). She has expressed the fear of losing what we have suddenly became real and that she had felt she was drifting off into a fantasy land, and that she had not been coping well or happy over the last six odd months.

Over the course of the following week, we have both been discussing with family and friends, as well as amongst the two of us. She suggested that she quit her job. Both her parents and myself vetoed this option. Her parents for fairly obvious reasons, and myself as 1) I believe she should be happy with her own achievements, 2) If she is unable to overcome moments like this, male advances at work, and deal with boundary issues, we should not be together, and 3) I do not want her to blame/resent me in the future for her giving up on a successful career. Thus this does not really remain an option.

The week took its toll on both of us from both an emotional and physical perspective. After lengthy discussions, I decided that I would go abroad for the weekend to allow us both some breathing space and time to reflect. I spent the weekend completely in limbo as to the status of our relationship, and considering short term alternative housing options. However, before I pulled the trigger I called her on the Sunday and she asked me to just come home.

We have spent the last two evenings discussing between the two of us and this has seen both of us in emotional wrecks. I have continued to show love and affection, and have applied a methodical and logical approach to our discussions. She has attempted to do the same, however, she is overwhelmed with guilt and is unable to look at me the same way. She is finding it very hard to show any form of affection, and her withdrawal symptoms seem to be increasingly pronounced. She is feeling suffocated by me and I believe is very confused and unsure about how to proceed and how to fix this - she has received advice from friends that some time spent apart will help rekindle the spark/romance and help her remember how much she misses me and why she loves me. My view is that either one of us moving out is effectively the beginning of the end. Should we take this approach, I will be forced to take a self-preserving approach (consciously or otherwise) and will actively be taking steps to "get over her" and start life again from scratch.

A couple of further points to add to this, if not clear from above:
-I am willing to fight and go through whatever pain necessary in order to win her back and get our relationship back to how it was for the first 5.5years.
-We both love each other unquestionably (despite her actions)
-We are both relatively analytical people and problem solvers, however she does have a tendency to freeze up under extreme pressure.
So I guess my questions to those experienced minds kind enough to respond are the following:
1) Have I lost her?
2) Is this idea of space completely nuts, and if not, is it possible to genuinely provide that if you are living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed?
3) What else can I do to save this?

Advice on any of the above would be hugely appreciated.

Ah, but you aren't. Your relationship cannot exhibit the same level of commitment of that of a marriage relationship, simply because either of you is free to walk away from the other whenever you wish.

Your girlfriend is a free agent. She is free to kiss whoever she wants. Living with her does not make her exclusive to you.

Do you have children together?

Hi Prisca, thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

No, there are no children.

Perhaps this is difficult to understand/accept, but to put it most simply, neither of us are particularly religious. We both have very high moral values (which she violated - hence our situation and her guilt), but getting married for us would be just as much about having a great party to celebrate our love as well as pleasing our parents and society at large, as opposed to say, validating in the eyes of a spiritual (or even legal) authority.

You seem to suggest that infidelity is acceptable as long as people aren't married. Equally, married people are free to divorce (I am acutely aware that it is for precisely this reason that help such as MB exists) - and I know of many who have married and divorced in a shorter time frame than we have been together and happy.

To give more perspective, we both own the house we live in, and additionally have shared finances. We spend a lot of our free time together with each other's families, and are loved and love all equally. Neither of us have ever strayed outside of this event. The current situation is hurtful for a number of people outside of just the two of us.

If you are able to appreciate this, and treat the case as you would a married case, I would be very interested to hear your experience and thoughts.

You should read the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". In this book, Dr. Harley explains the dynamics of developing relationships, and how living together without marrying results in a couple becoming stuck in a renter state.

It is clear from your post that both of you are renters. Shopping for better relationships is to be expected from renters. If you weren't renters, you would be married.

You need to accept the fact that your girlfriend has done nothing wrong, or certainly no more wrong than living together with you has been. She is a free agent, as are you. So, don't play the guilt card on her. You need to make yourself attractive and prove yourself as a better choice that the other guy. That is how you will get her back.

And next time you think you are serious about someone, prove your commitment by getting married.

Monday's radio show had a couple, not married, call and talk about the man's infidelity. It was a long term relationship. They gave very good pointers.

Can someone share the link?

On the contrary, I suggest that since you are not married, it is NOT infidelity. There is a difference.

Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. She has done what she is free to do. If you can't accept that, then you won't be able to find help here.

No one here will treat your relationship like a marriage. We might could suggest ways you could win your girlfriend back, but since you have no children and hold such a dim opinion on marriage, I don't see any reason to.

If you believe this, and you aren't married, why are you posting on a marriage site? I'm genuinely puzzled.

Hi mrEureka - again thanks for reading and responding.

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my original post (first time writing out and posting anything of this sort). Neither of us were shopping. Nor have I attempted to play a guilt card - this is simply her natural reaction - and I have told her that she needs to refrain from beating herself up over it as it is not helpful for either of us. We very much intended to spend the rest of our lives together.

I don't really want to get into a deep discussion of legally married/not married as I think it detracts from the situation or getting helpful advice on the current situation. I have proved my commitment (as has she for that matter) in countless ways and consistently over 5.5yrs. More so than plenty of the legally married people we know. As mentioned in a previous response, people are free to divorce (I understand the divorce rate is relatively high nowadays), and as such I don't believe that it should be such a focal point of my post.

I appreciate your comments on making myself attractive and proving myself as a better choice than the other guy. Would your advice be the same if we had been married from day one (i.e 6 years)?

Dear Alada - thank you very much - potentially most useful response so far! I would love to listen to that if there is a way of finding the link.. (have searched the radio archive but with limited success..)

Are you going to read the Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders that MrEureka suggested?

You can also email Dr. Harley for specific answers

Hi Prisca - the definition of infidelity refers to the state of being unfaithful to spouse OR other sexual partner.

I'd also like to add that I do not hold a dim opinion on marriage at all. Perhaps I misrepresented this.

Rather I simply believe that people are in theory "free", or at least have the potential, to do what they ultimately wish where relationships are concerned - the concept of divorce simply reinforces that. As does the several thousand posts on infidelity on this forum.

The question is, married or not, how do you work through that? How do you decide whether a marriage or relationship is worth saving? And if you have both decided that it is, what are the steps you take to doing so? Is time apart a viable solution? Are the feelings of guilt something that can be overcome? How long does this take? Is a cheater a cheater? What can I do to fix this?

Whilst I am wallowing in self pity, most likely.

Hi SugarCane,

Simply because when scouring the internet for help, I came across a site with advice and forums which were the most applicable to my personal situation, and made the most sense to me.

I believed that the vast majority of people visiting this site would be people who believed that marriage was more than just a piece of paper. The piece of paper is the only thing we were lacking.

I think this very pointed comment is rude to all the people who took time to respond to you.

Really! How on earth do you do that?! Surely the man would not have time to breath?!

Hi SugarCane - apologies - this was not my intention at all. I can't express enough how much I appreciate all the people who have taken the time to read through my post and actually bother to respond. I actually did not expect a single reader/response.
Simply, Alada pointed to some constructive advice, rather than focus on the lack of a marriage certificate.

You're just repeating the offence by saying this.

I will point out, also, that we are not focusing on the lack of a marriage certificate, but on the lack of a marriage.

Actually, they told the couple to get married, because living together IS NOT the same as being married. Nor is it infidelity when a couple is not married. I am not sure why he needs to call the radio show though when the advice is pretty and dry. Marriage is not the same as living together.

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That is not constructive. The focus can and should be the lack of a marriage certificate. Dr. Harley will focus on that if you call him.

Why didn't you get married? Why is there no legal committment here?