If it weren't for our son, I would not return; I know that much. I would shut off all contact so That I am not tempted to return-- but we do have a son and he is just as much his as he is mine..

Your boyfriend is a trainwreck. It is your duty as a parent to protect your child. Stay with your family. A child is better off with no father than a unstable, messed up father. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to stop making excuses for your bf and out of mama guilt. If your bf wants to be involved in his son's life, he will do the work to get himself together.

And he is not going to get 50/50 custody. Joint does not mean 50/50.

Did you see this?

Will you send it again and cc Denali?

Please do not make hadty decisions about reconciling. I totally understand that you want a happy, intact and stable family for your child with a mother and father.
But you cannot have your boyfriend drive the bus here. He has proven to you in the last 8 years that he is not a good stable true and loyal partner. And you should consider going into plan B. Your bf is obviously not serious if he is still feeding you crap about his psychological problems leading him to show his private parts to unknown people in the internet. He is manipulating you and making you feel guilty so that he can have his family and not change for real. He has proven for 8 years that he does not care enough about you to change. You do not know if he was even molested, you only have the word of a lier for it.

Please document everything as much as you can and consult with a lawyer. Do not go back to him until Dr Harley tells you it is safe to do so.

You are worth more than empty promises ( but this time I will change for real). And your child is worth more than being a pawn to lure his mother back, or a means to cure his deadbeat father. Of course your child loves him, but it is 8 months old. It would love Jeffrey Dahmer if he was living in the same house. That is not a good reason to put your son back in a situation that will make his mither and eventually himself miserable.

If your boyfriend really cares abour your son and is really serious sbout changing, he will WANT to prove first that he is a good provider and will NOT want to put his son in a situation where he is not sure he CAN even change. Until now, it us all about him.

PWMS, I can relate to your situation. My boyfriend did not have insurance for several years and I did not think he was depressed. But he needed help and he got on medications. Antidepressants do help. Also you may consider to have your BF pay out of pocket and get on a medicine right now while he is dealing with this situation. His doctor will prescribe something, then see him in a couple of weeks and he will have somebody to turn to in case of a crisis. Do not try to counsel him alone. You need to clear your mind, get some sleep, eat healthy food, and take your child for a walk and exercise. You are only responsible for your own mental health and you need to take care of yourself for the sake of you and your child. I understand that it feels good to go back, you miss your bf and worrying what he can do while you are away. But you need some distance to stop the drama. Two of you need to chill out and start thinking streight. Try to stop crying, be emotional- this going to wear you off. Keep your conversations to the minimum. Talk once a day for 15 minutes. Keep it about your son. If your BF gets emotional, let him know that you will not talk to him till he calms down, and that you will not answer his next call, unless he stops acting obscessively. Do not reply to each of his e-mail. If he needs to write- let him write. Tell him he can send them to you but that you may or may not read them all and will reply briefly. Do not write him books, as anything you put in writing can be used against of you to show that you are the one unstable. Keep your distance and keep your mind clear.

I can not answer your question if it worth to save relationships. I believe every person deserves help, but it should not be at the expanse of your own mental health. If you like to send me a personal message, please, do so. I will be checking on your thread on and off. They closed my thread so I am not coming here for help any more. But hope I can help someone.

Why on earth would you counsel this woman to allow her to be manipulated 15 minutes a day back into DV?

Theocracy, I've worked in that field. I've seen women killed when someone had a gun during a an abusers suicide threat. STOP your nonsense before you get her hurt!

From where do you get the authority to give this advice? Is it based on any research evidence that shows it works?

Theocracy your thread was closed because you would not adhere to MB guidelines. So don't start doing it on someone else's thread. PWMS is getting excellent advice here, she doesn't need you disrupting and making her confused. You were already told to stop disrupting this thread.

Your son is nobody's possession.

This is the only useful piece of advice in this post. OP doesn't need to be in contact with the bf.

Hi!
I have to come out of my lurking to post to you. I am your son. As a child of a father who used substances to deal with his childhood and adult pain. He was wonderful to me. I followed him around and adored him! As he started using alcohol to deal with things more, his behavior got more unstable. He had me in the car with him while drunk, subjected us to yelling rants for hours, tried drowning my mom in the tub until I stopped him, many other things until it ended when my mom told him to leave and he burnt our house down. He had seen psychiatrists and was always repentant when he knew he had to be. We lived a roller coaster. And I as a child, I not only blamed myself for his behavior, but also thought it was my job to fix everything.

When they separated, I did miss my dad, but the uncertainty and fear was not missed. I am asking you to really give your boyfriend the gift of time. Time to pull himself together and be the kind of father your baby deserves. A few days is not enough time for him to build a firm foundation. Children don't thrive in unstable environments. Right now you are at a crossroads where you decide what kind of life you and your baby deserve.

The cycle of abuse stopped with me.I am a mom to 5. I don't have angry outbursts and don't abuse any substance. Please take this time to heal and grow. Your baby deserves two healthy, stable and happy parents. The veterans have been giving you great advise. Please wait for Dr. Harley to advise you.

There is nothing worse for unstable person in distress than being ignored. By talking to him 15 minutes a day she gains insight on what his state of mind is, if he is dangerous, if interventions are needed or if he planning something. People get extremely frustrated when they can not talk to their target. 15 minutes would be enough to keep him behave while he gets better. This way he will not have the anger built up and will not become aggressive- I hope. Some time 15 minutes talk can give a person enough to handle a crisis. You don't want him to get psychotic, take a plane and come back to her parents. What will she do if he snaps and flies there? Will you tell her to go to the shelter? Or install metal doors and windows shields? Although the guns are removed from the house, it does not mean he can not buy another gun. What if he buys it and comes over? He knows where she lives. If it was me, I would prefer to keep him sane and calm. Keep conversation to a minimum and know what is going on. This way he may act civil. People snap when they get pissed off, and the worst thing you can do to psychotic person is to ignore him. Besides... the OP is planning or desiring to work things out eventually. I think they need to work toward gaining mutual stability, so nobody would want to take a gun and teach anybody lessons. He needs to chill out, she needs to cool off away from him. He needs to see professional and get on medications.

Unbelievable, really. You have no idea about domestic violence and mental health, do you? I spent almost 10 years in law enforcement and crisis/suicide counseling. I would have been fired to make such suggestions, rightfully so, for ignoring the common sense around the dangerous separation period.

Please, OP, do not use this poster to justify allowing him in your life right now. It is NOT safe. You are vulnera able right now.

I ask again: what gives you the authority to say this? On what facts or research evidence is your advice based?

Most/all people show up here desiring to salvage a relationship...that doesn't mean they should. This relationship is extremely dysfunctional and he is not her husband. You offer dreadful advice and none of it is MB at all.

I am simply explain my position. It is open for discussion. If you see a flow in it, please, express it. I never claimed to know it all. I also never heard of research that showed that isolating somebody in distress and ignoring him will make him feel better. You probably going to say, it is not intended to make him better, but I dont like idea of making unstable person mad. If you think making him mad is safer than help him through the crisis, you are welcome to explain your position. If you find good literature, please, do post. I used to be a big fan of Sam Vaknin on personality disorders and narcissism. Strongly recommend.

There have been numerous posts on this thread and the answer, while seemingly complicated at first, was made on the first page above.

Separate from him and consult an attorney. All the drama will not help you accomplish anything.

The flaw in it is that this forum is provided by Dr Harley for us to help posters apply his principles to their situations. It is not provided for anyone to give advice based on their own positions.

You were told this by the moderators at least once when they edited your posts above, and yet you are back here making the same point - that this poster needs to support her violent, unstable, dangerous boyfriend through his mental health crisis, when her and her son's safety are at risk.

No, the board is not a free for all for discussing everybody's opinion. Please cease and desist from this on our board immediately. If you have any questions about this policy, send me an email.


Keeping pleasewearmyshoe safe takes priority over helping an unstable man feel better at her expense.

**EDIT**

Theocracy, if you have any questions, send me an email. Do not post here about it. Mizar