Yes, this is how my H is. And I am more concerned because this is always his attitude, and extremely defensive in any way. In a nutshell, he can NEVER been wrong. This is THE formula for failing in all aspect of life.

We moved away to fulfill HIS dream to serve in the church.

Uhhhh, what is his second option?

Ditto!


As a former wayward, I can tell you the greatest evil I watch on the forums;

When a wayward claims that any requirements for reconciliation are just selfish demands.


I pray you do not fall into this trap.
Please set the bar high!


Here is the list my wife put together before agreeing to recovery with me.




Waywards are great cons, and twist programs like MB to suit their own palates.

Insightful advice and a list that I can use. I will go down every item and let me know your thoughts-

REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME

Humility - yes, as long as he does not feel threatened


Remorse - yes, as long as he does not feel threatened


Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God - what sure how this can be expressed specifically. Could you elaborate more?


Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you) - he is in between this. I even go into further with Godly sorrow: sorry because you offend God with your sins.

Authentic repentance - my church leader is working hard on cracking that.

Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.) - not sure where we are at.

Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after. Yes

Confession & apology to children - not yet

Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him - willing to.

IC, MC, & Family - What does this mean?

Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose - I do not understand what this mean either...

Attend church again - already, and it's difficult for him, but he does it and I don't let him get away with it.

NC Letter - done by this Wednesday

Provide all cell phone & credit card records from this past year - done

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together - working on this.

15+ hours together weekly - in progress

Pray with me daily - have done it always

Polygraph - coming

Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce - will get that
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Please give me your thoughts.

I will be gone for a few days, so I will check back when I am back.

Thank you again for everyone who has been so kind to reach out and help me and also my husband.

The A hasn't been exposed to your children and family? Why not?

Something just clicked with H. We had a long chat and he came to understand SOOO much of things. No longer fogbabble and pride. and I KNOW he is sincere. Something just started to work!!! H not only apologize to me about the A, he apologized in tears about the hurtful things he put me through throughout our M.

I see a different man, I see a man that is not covered in slippery soap that I have to chase around to pin down, a H who comes to me with a broken heart and contrite spirit...

All that happened so rapidly has unveiled some significant truth to him...

I am very hopeful! I have more hope to work on our M than I ever did, even before Dday! I know I will get a thousand times better H if we keep going this direction. We have a long way to go, but with correct perspective and goal, I am confident that we will get there. Strange that these things can take a long time, and then all in a sudden, all unfolded in the matter of hours...

Thank you all again!

I exposed it to the children but he did not. The required item in the list was him to tell and apologize to the children. So far, it's not done, but the children know from me.

minjo, it's great that he seems to be coming around but I am very worried for you because of how foggy he seemed in his postings. Please make sure you follow through with that poly no matter what.

Often waywards who trickle truth swear on a stack of bibles they have told "everything" and agree to take the poly but then hold out hope that it will be canceled. My STBX did that to me...twice. Is it scheduled yet?

Please do not extend trust too early, and please do not make the mistake of believing that he has made any sort of permanent change. There is no way to judge this as of yet. Following the instructions he receives here is a good start, but it takes following the plan and TIME.

Ditto.

YES!!! I learned my lesson! It's encouraging, it's better than nothing, but I know we are not even near there yet.

I think the fact that H sees everyone strangers who have no personal interest in harming him is having an issue with his attitude helps him to understand that he is not on the right. That is when the wheel started to turn a bit.

He now fully acknowledges that he is in a fog and he does not still know what it is and how to get out. I believe time and correct execution of a real plan will help.

get a poly

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511300#Post2511300

I am sorry you are going thru this, i posted to your husband. I strongly advise that you do not back down from this. susie enouraged me for days to do it, but vacations, life ect got in the way. I would have been one month ahead if i pushed. please look at my thread and read the first 20 pages and you will see some similarities.

I am glad your H seems to be turning a corner. The process of repentance/forgiveness and healing are so challenging for both. Your WH used his agency badly and hurt you and your family terribly, but hopefully he will begin to make righteous choices that will allow all of you to heal and recover.

Minjo, your husband has the ability to mimic remorseful behavior so I would caution you about buying into that. Just consider that he was not remorseful yesterday and as recently as last night was shooting at anyone who spoke truth to him. He has not done a radical 180 overnight, I assure you. He he still very foggy and very self centered. Keep in mind this is a guy who manipulated Steve Harley.

Please do not put off the polygraph. That would be a huge mistake. And it might be the explanation for his sudden change of heart. Hold him accountable and see if his ACTIONS back up his talk.

No, MelodyLane, I am not putting off the poly. Matter of fact, if there is anything more to do, I will do it to verify if this is another play.

If all goes well and by this weekend, when he accomplishes all asked to do from my list (I probably will add more to my list, using Papabear's list) and when ll his actions have proven to me that he is sincere, we will next explore the reason behind his strange reaction to the forum. He is very shaken by what happened at the forum yesterday, but still can't figure out what was wrong.

He is not coming back to the forum to post yet, but we need to look at what happened in order to figure out what went wrong. Hopefully he will be back in a few months, like he did the first time, and realize how ridiculous he was.

Hello Minjo. Your WH was "shaken" because it is embarrassing and humiliating to be called out not only on past lies, but also on current lying. There's not much else to figure out. He's embarrassed and humiliated and was grasping for a way to con his way out of the predicament he found himself in on the board. It is VERY TYPICAL behavior from WS's. Those who remain prideful and hold on to their misconceived ideas of who they are do not recover...as in do not become a better spouse...a man worth keeping around.

HerPapaBear and I read your WH's thread together last night. I wanted to reach through the screen and choke your WH, not because I am bitter and angry, like he wants to accuse the BS's of being, but because he is so foggy it is nauseating!

Please keep yourself emotionall protected until the poly is completed along with everything else you need to verify his honesty.

I thought you were going to make posting on this forum one of your requirements?

I will tell you why your WH doesn't want to come here. He is HIDING from us.

I would be very wary.

Minjo....
Did you end up divorcing?