I'll be on it today

Merged threads. Please stick to one thread.

This is literally WORD FOR WORD (all of it) what my husband said to me and he was in fact, having an emotional affair. Please listen to these folks. She is having an affair with that man.

Yeah I spoke to dr. Harley today on this topic. I was told to do plan a. I was also told to stay away from drinking FOREVER. I can do these. I was also told to talk with BF and get an insight on what wife has told him about trying to get back with cousin. Let him know that I am trying to repair my marriage and give him incentive to leave her alone without alerting her.

I am so frustrated right now! I have snooped, I have investigated, I have worried, I have spies, I have approached the other guy, and I have found absolutely nothing. Yes they are talking, but you know what? The cousin and the guy are getting back together....

I am still pushing my wife away. She is so angry with me right now. All she wants is a divorce.

I know I can get us back on track, but I keep opening my mouth. She gets mad and says she wants a divorce, I interject. I talk to her cousin about her trying to find some hope and some help. This aggravates my wife too. I have lost my job because of this whole thing. This makes it even worse. I am living with my mother-in-law who is stabbing me in the back. I am losing my mind!

Did you do this?

Quit trying to control or debate how your wife feels, and start trying to be the best husband in the world for her.


I would strongly encourage you to see your doctor and get on antidepressants until your marriage turns around, so you will be able to function.

Are you making finding a new job a full time job? This is Dr. Harley's recommendation for a husband who is out of work.

Yes, He was reluctant to talk to me because she has confided in him details of our problems. She really hasn't told him anything other than just talking to cousin for him. The time for them to get rid of each other isn't here yet though by Dr. Harley's advise. That is when we are on the up swing.


I am trying desperately to stop talking and start listening. I find it hard when I get attacked though.


I have a doctors appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist.

[/quote]

Yes. Unfortunately my line of work isn't easily available here. I have 4 prospects, it just takes time in the hireling process.

Event's of last night's session:
I think we both got some things out in the air. She is, very much, still upset with events from the past. When our son died, she fell into a deep depression and she felt like her whole family abandoned her. I saw this and it upset me too. In fact I was fighting mad about it, but I always counselled her to look at her family as grieving too and they didn't know how to interact with her. So they withdrew. I even went as far as to bringing her mother back into her life. More than that though, she felt like I abandoned her as well. I would "let" her sleep until 3 pm some days and "tell" her to go take a nap later that evening when she was laying on the couch looking tired. Her sleeping all the time was a huge issue with me and I became mad several times from it. I knew she was depressed, I just didn't know how to help. I thought I was making her happy. I thought that's what she wanted. Instead she felt like I didn't want her around. I wanted her to go away. That couldn't have been farther from the truth. I always denied it, but I was in depression too. I tried not to show it, because I had to be strong for her. It affected more than just my mood. Things never got done around the house, inside or out. And yes, sometimes my wife became second. School also became an outlet for me. I have explained this to her, but it doesn't matter and I think she doesn't believe me.

Well she said that this was the last counseling session she would attend. I told the councilor that it was because of 2 reasons: Money and she doesn't want to go any longer. This is when I start to get upset. I do hold my tongue. She said that she wants out and she doesn't want to try any more, she is done. The councilor asked her not to make any rash decisions or base them off feelings. He has noticed her need for space. He also asked her if she would be willing to do an in-house separation. She agreed that would be the minimum she would accept. I was livid. But I closed my mouth. I did ask, "What if I am not ready to leave my bed?" My wife replied that she would sleep on the couch then. And that's when the session ended. The councilor suggested that we both see this as positively as we can. It could be worse. I was distraught.

I'm glad we took separate cars. This gave me time to think. Before we reached the house, I decided that I was still going to be positive about this. My wife was not feeling well, I think she is coming down with the flu. It is going around here at the house. So later that night, after the kids went to bed, I asked to talk with her. I felt like we needed to set some ground rules for this separation. I asked her if she was ready to talk this over and figure out where to go from here. She explained that, with me in the bed, I get too close to her and she doesn't want to be near me. I said I am ok with this situation and I can make the best of it, but I have some requests too. "Since this is a huge request for me, have have three things I need." I explained:
We spend at least one hour a night alone together
If we are talking about our relationship, your mother can not be included
We try this online relationship building course (marriage builders)

I also stated that I didn't think it was very fair for her to have to sleep on the couch. I suggested that we take turns every night. Since she is starting to come down with something, she can have the bed the first night. She agreed with one rebuttal. She said, "I think, since I am the only one working, I should have the bed until you get a job." My reply was, "You know, I would normally agree with you on that, but I am not the one who wants to leave this marriage." This was the end of the conversation. I wished her a good night and kissed her on her forehead as she went to sleep.

Why is it that I have spent the last 13 years working 40-60 hours a week trying to put food on the table and at times going to school full time, and the first time she gets a 40 hour a week job, I am to be ridiculed? She all of a sudden demands that I pay very close attention to her 40 hour a week job? I hear about her 40 hour a week job everyday and how she deserves special treatment? I feel like I am giving this to her anyway. Now the things that I am doing to better myself and make her needs my priority is a demand of hers because she is working a 40 hour a week job.

Oh by the way, have I mentioned that she has a 40 hour a week job?

I suspect Financial support is a high EN for her. Is there other work you could do while you wait for the right job to help fulfill this need?

I would have to agree. I have thought about revamping my small business while I wait. It's not exactly profit making. I have a lot of hopefuls and continue to find new postings everyday. But this is my full time job right now.

Sorry you are both struggling and I don't mean to hijack, but how does one know if someone put spy wear on their phone? My hubby is always taking my phone and saying he's "updating" it. I'm nervous now. Not Bc I'm doing anything but bc I'm sharing things about him. Can you just see texts or her web activity??

Are you here to learn how to attract your wife back to a relationship with you? Because all of that is very unattractive of you to say.

Hint: don't vent.

No you are right. Some time I get frustrated and find inappropriate outlets and vent when I should be listening. I do love my wife with all my heart and I want her to know that I can and will change for the better. Sometimes I get so lost in the moment and my own insecurities that I throw caution to the wind. Self control and will power is something I need to pray for regularly.

Unfortunately, as great of help as you all have been, my securities and trust in my wife has been greatly reduced. I actually feel terrible about some of the things that I have done. She can tell that a lot of my trust has gone out the window. Yes I have found out many things by doing this, but there could have been more constructive ways. How can I ask her to be completely open and remove all secrecy if I am being secretive?

The short answer, you won't and he can. I am in the business of information security. Give me five minutes and I can tell you everything you have done in the last 4 months, deleted or not. There are ways to find it, anti-spyware is a good one. But if he is regularly checking your phone than he doesn't have the true deal. If it was it would email him everything.

Thanks for the lesson though. One thing you should be more worried about is why are you worried about anything? Any thing and everything you do should be free from worry. If you have something to hide, why are you doing it? This comment made me look inside and think about every thing I have said in this thread. If I want to be completely open, than I should be able to show my wife everything that is posted here without fear. I can't do that right now. But at least I have figured this out now. I have a lot to change about myself. Add this to the list.

Omg I wish I had known about antispy ware sooner.... Everything I stumbled on was by luck! I wanted so bad to have more evidence! Can you get anti spyware for a phone that you don't have?

You would have to gain access to that phone in order to install it.

That's not the point here. Dr. Harley and most everyone here would agree, secrecy from your spouse is a bad idea. If you don't want your spouse to see negative things, don't do negative things. Understand that when married, you become one body, spirit, and mind.

With that being said, it is extremely important that everyone with a smart phone have antispyware/antivirus software on their phone. You really have no clue on just how much information is stored on those things.

If you wanted to spy on him/her because they are in an affair or suspected, you can install apps that hide and report all texts and IMs as well as locations. NEVER use free apps for this. Do a little research to find one for your make of phone. Caution though: It is against the Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA) to secretly place any thing on a phone that will capture private data or steal information. This is a federal offense. The only way to bypass this is by telling your spouse before hand. On the other hand, if they are your children, you can do it all day long.

T/J but

Don't tell other people about your husband's private matters or your relationship. Go and tell him and ask for HIS help because he is the only one who can! You'll always get caught out, (my ex used to tell people stuff and it was fairly obvious when someone knew something) so it's best to be transparent.