MKF - why did you bring her mother 'back' into her life? Where exactly was she?

She just sounds a bit strange.

My wife and her mother have always been close. Her mother is not well to begin with and she has always had a hard time finding a place to stay. I have always had a kind heart toward her and she and my wife both need support. Long story short - I'm a softy.

No I mean this -

When my son died 3 years ago, my mother in-law was staying with us. She never really did anything around the house, she was just taking up room. This aggravated my wife and me. My wife and I finally saw the prescription pill addiction my mother-in-law had and talked her into rehab. She became coherent again but still lazy and shut out. After the funeral, my wife became very secluded and shut the world out. My wife and her mother had a falling out and her mother left. It would last 6 months or so at a time between even phone calls. When her and I would visit her home town, we wouldn't even mention we were in town to mom. My wife saw her mother as abandoning her. Her whole family basically. When she graduated from college, only my family showed for her support. I don't think that mattered to her because I graduated that day too. I finally asked her mother to come visit for a few weeks. I could see that they were starting to patch things up. Her mother was very regretful and apologized often. They started talking weekly after that.

Did her mother ever have an affair?

No just Divorced times 3

Oh and I have found out the reasoning behind some of the secrecy... I can not and will not mention it here. But it has nothing to do with affair. She has let me back in to her life and she is actually willing to work on our marriage. We have a long road before we are back to loving though. Thank you all for your support but now we need to start the program together. One problem is, I can't afford it. But I continue to pray to god for guidance.

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........

Yes I know this is a concern of mine too. Both of my parents have been divorced several time too. Dad = 6; Mom = 4 I actually use them as an example of what not to do.

SO things are starting to turn around. She is still very stressed out from work and other issues, but I believe I am starting to make a dent. She is also still very distant from me, but I believe this will be short lived. I checked some messages last night and I noticed that she has ONLY been talking with cousin. The night she said that she is willing to work on our relationship, I found her saying to her cousin that she doesn't want to fight with me anymore and her cousin is encouraging her to take me back. We discussed arrangements where both of us became completely honest with each other including feelings. We discussed love busters and how to avoid them at all costs. This morning my wife said that with the week she had, she would very much like to go out tonight. I said, "that would be ok. I know you need time away from me and I can respect that; however, how would you feel if I came up there about the last hour, hour and a half just to hang out and make sure you get home safely?" She agreed. I know my sobriety is top priority. I really have no want or need to drink anyway. I have had liquor in the house for the last 6 months and it doesn't affect me. I started to quit 5 years ago so I am used to not having it. I don't even think about drinking when I'm upset. I will be fine. Please don't talk me out of this.

I did not get my hour of planned alone time with her last night. She came home emotionally and physically drained from her job. Even though I don't have a job, we are discussing her leaving her's. It's one thing to be unhappy with your husband. It's something else if you can't enjoy life.

I am pretty new here, but why not take her out somewhere romantic?

Ask her...how would you feel about going out to dinner and a movie just the two of us?
Maybe even drive to the next city over or the other side of town. Crank up some music, or comedy, or radio ....whatever you two listened to when you were out dating and happy together. Plan a few options, have something kick on when you start the car, but then ask her if she wants to keep it on so she knows you are listening to her needs and comfort level.

Remind her how fun you can be and become her escape from the hard week. Put yourself out there a little and ASK with a plan you think she might consider. No lovebusters!

Maybe she won't negotiate with you this week. Try again tomorrow night. She sounds like she is willing to be wooed back and might appreciate her man showing effort to charm her away from the comfort of the bar even if she doesn't take you up on it tonight.

A good relationship with her husband is the most important thing a wife needs in order to enjoy life. He needs to be her escape from the world. What did she do to escape and unwind when she got home last night? Whatever it is, you need to join in.

No I agree completely on this is what I should do. Here's the problem: She wants space away from me every week. I have ruled out affair even the EA. If anything, my conversations with her cousins could be construed as I am having the EA. Our negotiations have become pleasant with this idea. I can try something new next week or work up to dating, but right now I will settle.

We sat down as a family and enjoyed the meal I made with the family. I haven't seen her laugh like that in months. Then we had desert and watched TV with the kids. 30 minutes before the kids' bed time, she fell asleep on the couch. After repeated times to wake her up, I put the kids to bed by myself. Then I tried for an hour to get her up without being a pest. Finally at 9:30, I asked her if I could help her into bed. I stayed up a bit longer reading HNHN. We are still separated with no physical contact. I am sleeping in the bed again but there is a pillow between us.

For a guy that hasn't had physical contact with his wife for nearly 4 months.... She not only hugged me today, she also kissed me

Oh did I also say that I got a job today too?

That's right, I'm on cloud nine!

I need help with a few things:

My wife is finally allowing me to hug her, but very seldom. What other ways could I show her affection?

My wife doesn't want to talk about our relationship or really anything fro that matter during the week due to her taxing job. All she wants to do is come home and rest. What could I bring up to build an intimate conversation? or show her intimacy?

What other ideas could I get for depositing love units?

I'm impatient yes. I have loved this woman for 12 years and for the last 12 years we have had specific things that show me she loves me. For the last 6 months, these things are gone. If I could get just a few of them back, I would stop worrying so much.

The trip to the Psyc doctor was canceled, I need to go see my regular doctor for depression meds.

Here are my suggestions:

* Use email, instant messenger, texting, and phone calls to stay in touch with your wife as much as possible and make as much conversation with her as possible during the day.
* Don't discuss your relationship with her. Friendly, enjoyable conversation makes love bank deposits.
* Read the friends and enemies of good conversation once a day and practice them daily.
* Schedule 15 hours a week of family commitment time with her, time spent together with the kids as a family accomplishing something enjoyable and worthwhile.
* Schedule 15+ hours a week alone with her giving her your undivided attention.
* Read through Dr. Harley's Q&A column about affection, and try all of the things listed there, as well as anything else your wife used to enjoy.

I suspect that, like me, you have a high emotional need for affection.

You should know that her affectionate behaviors for you will come back when she is in love with you again, and not before. You should be aware that the Love Bank doesn't show gradual change. Passing the romantic love threshold is sudden, not gradual. She won't build up to it by gradually becoming more affectionate. Instead, one day she will tolerate you, and the next day she will suddenly be in love with you. It will probably be back and forth for awhile until you get the balance up high enough to stay above the threshold all the time.

Are you listening to Marriage Builders Radio, daily?

Thanks Markos!

Yeah this Friday she was hanging on me like nothing ever happened. I was in true bliss. Then Sat and Sun she was back to depression. I was trying to give her cliff notes on what I was reading from Dr. Harley's books, and she looked like she was falling asleep.

I can't contact her throughout the day. Only during her breaks and lunch. She works for a high security office so no cell, chats, or emails. She really hates this job. We are talking about her leaving it.

She called me just now: She is having a really bad day at work, but by the time she got off the phone with me, she sounded like she was happier... Good sign right?

I do have a high emotional need for affection. I want to be shown that I am loved. I want to hold hands, I want to hug, I would like a present every now and then... wow, thats a lot to ask for.

I am trying to listen when I have a free second. I have ears around me most of the time that I really don't want.