First off thank you for taking the time to read this post, this will probably end up being really long.
So cut to a month ago, my fianc� of 6 years and I have a really deep emotional conversation about how she feels unloved and that I give her little to no attention or affection for the last 2 years and that she has brought it up before and it only improved for a short duration, I humbly discuss things with her and state I've been stressed with work and raising our 4 year old daughter and that it's incredibly tough to give her open affection since we've been living with her parents for the last two years trying to save for a house. The conversation ends with her saying she wants me to move back to my parents house for a bit to give her space to work things out. During that first initial week I am a emotional mess and in no way shape or form did I give her the space she requested. So following that week she packs up all my stuff and gives me my ring back, on the way out she freaks out and realized that she wants to work on our relationship and we discussed that and put some plans in motion to work this thing out. She claims she just wants me to be me again and that's what had been missing. I notice some irregular behaviors out of her and begin to get suspicious considering how sudden this all is. So I secretly find out she has been talking to a coworker pretty steadily and have been swapping intimate photos. I confront her about this and she states she had a moment of weakness and wanted someone to confide in that understands her, I express that in no way will our relationship work if she continued contact with him. So cut to a week later, I'm fairly certain she is still in contact with this person due to how protective she's been over her phone and job site. She has her regular band practice Friday night and when I get wind of her not returning home at a regular time I get suspicious and thanks to a friend get a tip of where her lover may live, so sure enough I drive over there praying not to find her car but sure enough I do. It's 130 am in the morning and she is over his place doing god knows what. I wait in my car for her to leave his apartment and confront her, harsh words are flung around but we calm down and discuss things appropriately. She states she feels he is the only one who gets her and he always listens to her and shows concerns over her well being. I ask how far they are involved and she states they have feelings for each other haven't had sex but kissed. I'm taken back and in shock from all this and ask where her and I stand, she states she loves me and is in love with me and wishes it was me instead of him and that she doesn't want to lose me and wants to fix things. I again mention she can no longer see him or talk to him, she says she understood but didn't indicate she was going to do so. So after a few days have past I read on here steps on surviving an affair and really feel moved to initiate these plans. When I confront her and talk about the affair and how she cheated on me and how that made me feel she is in complete denial that such a thing as an emotional affair exists and that she didn't kiss him until after she gave me my ring back and doesn't feel she was having an affair or that she cheated on me despite us being in the process of fixing things. So I followed the advice of this site and exposed this affair to everyone, I even made sure to let her know that I did. She did not react kindly, left the house, and came back crying in her bed and didn't want me anywhere near her. Move forward to yesterday she is giving me 100% silent treatment and won't say a single word to me, she makes me dinner which is nice but uses our daughter to tell me basic things like dinner being ready. I express to her today how I don't like the silent treatment and would rather talk things out and such and again I'm met with silence. So what should I do at this point, I think there's enough left in us to move on from this and we do love each other but she is in denial of the affair and reluctant to end it. So I really want to stick to the plan a and plan b strategy but this silent treatment has me baffled, I'm torn between giving her a few days of no contact or just being there and putting up with the silence. Please help, I'm trying my best with all of this and know we have a lot to work on. I suggested counseling she said no to it right now but would consider it in the future (this was before the stone wall came up).

I should note I do have partnership issues as i have been very independent my whole life and she expressed that she doesn't feel involved in my life and decisions, she also voiced feelings that the marriage proposal was a false promise due to us never discussing the wedding plans and me being a yes dear to her suggestions. I also wanted to be financially stable before making major life decisions, something that has only come to us recently. I have learned a lot from this site and plan to initiate things I've read such that deal with my issues and the issues of the relationship. Does it seem like this thing is too far damaged to be repaired and will it be too fragile to sustain possible marriage?

She's failed the interview for marriage my friend.

Don't tie yourself to someone who thinks nudie pics are the answer to life's troublespots.

I'm not sure that she had sent him any pictures but I know she definitely received some and saved them. I wasn't able to obtain their conversations. Not that this would make things any better. :P

I think most women would feel unloved after six years of engagement and no marriage.

Yeah - what she has said about no discussion of marriage plans is telling. It's very embarrassing for a woman to wait around for commitment like that.

At the end of the day she WAS a free woman when this took place so it will be very annoying to hear lectures about cheating.

I would offer her a committed and fulfilling relationship if you can get over the deception (I wouldn't call it cheating though it does not reflect well on her).

You've little chance unless she leaves the job though.

You could do some wooing on the side, Plan A style. He sounds like he's after a fling anyway and you can outlast him. I would move out so you can court her properly. See what Dr H recommends on not living together.

So ultimately, show her she can have a marriage and her daughter's family together... But she needs to choose that.

I wouldn't ask her to give up her job unless you can offer her marriage.

So should I approach this as one big apology?

Are you wanting to stay with her? If so, I would propose to her that the two of you marry immediately under the condition that the two of you pledge complete and total fidelity to each other.

If it were me, I think I would move on and make plans to have a happy life without her.

I would strongly encourage you to:

* get Dr. Harley's book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders
* read this thread about Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders
* start listening to Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders Radio show every day (there is an app you can install to listen on your phone or tablet, or you can listen on your computer)

I honestly do want to remain with her and I am willing to work past all this. I know it's not going to be easy and hell if it doesn't work at least I'll be a better person in the end. I know I've been a terrible partner as of late and that might be where a lot of this stems from but I also know what she did was wrong.

But how does she feel?

The best outcome would be for the two of you to get married and fall in love with each other, for the sake of your four year old daughter. But that is probably not going to succeed unless the two of you are willing to get married and to end any and all outside friendships with the opposite sex.

How would she feel about that?

When I posted this, I did not see that the two of you had a four year old daughter.

That being the case, if it were me I would pull out all the stops FOR LIFE and propose marriage to her and try to sell her on the marriage building program that is described on this website. That will require her ending contact with the other man for life. It might require the two of you moving. It would definitely require a commitment from you to give her a minimum of 15 hours a week of your undivided attention, and 25-30 hours a week when she is not happy. It would definitely require a lot of education on your part to learn how to put these marriage building tools into practice; you guys have a lot going against you and it is going to take a lot of education and work on your part to turn it around.

Are you willing to do all of this? Is she?

Honestly I would say that I am willing to put in the work and learn the tools necessary for this to work. She is still caught up in this affair and doesn't know what she wants, she's afraid of getting hurt if I stop giving her love and affection again which in my opinion is a lot of my lack of relationship/marriage knowledge. Currently she is absolutely cross with me for exposing her "affair" and has went in to silent treatment mode. Which I have no idea how to approach, do I just back off in turn until she calms down?

Here is the class you need to take:

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html


Have you asked her yet how she feels about getting married immediately and cutting off contact with the other man?

No, that hasn't really come up. I didn't think the lack of marriage was the issue here and more so the lack of attention and affection were the points that she kept bringing up, so I never really focused on the lack of marriage being the key issue. When she gave me back the ring she had stated for me to keep it safe so I can re propose to her one day. This was all before I knew of the other lover.

My suggestion is that you bring it up immediately and see what she says and come back here and let us know.

Have you checked out that radio show yet? It is the class you need if you want to keep this relationship together.

I can try, it may be a few days since she's pretty stubborn with this silent treatment. I will definitely give it a listen, about to head to work now however.

Get the app on your phone and you can plug it in in your car and listen there.

Write her a letter proposing what I've described here, and see how she reacts.

What was her parents reaction to the exposure?

I don't know why her parents allow you to shack up in their house with their daughter and grandchild but I would either go to her parents to ask for support in creating a buyer relationship (aka marriage) or leave their house. I don't know if her parents just go along with anything so no one gets upset but you living in their house as you are is disrespectful whether they say it or not.

Her parents have more or less turned on her and are in full support of me, they feed me info about everything she says and if she goes out. They are cheering for us to get married and want that because they love me and know I'm a good father. I haven't been living at their house since our big fight about a month ago.