Been together 9 years married 8, 2 kids a 12 year old step daughter and 8 year old son. Long story short made a big mistake went to a swingers club, ended up with a woman performing oral sex on me. My wife didn't like it so got in touch with an ex to make me jealous. Turned out they still had feelings for each other and he left his girlfriend and they had an affair for two months. My wife ended it until a month ago saw someone who looked like him and text him saying she was missing him. Told me she was off to a work conference to go away camping with him. Hacked her phone to find out where and turned up at the campsite. Was all set to leave her until she said she woke up in the night and was missing me so trying to work through it.

She got a new phone to change her number as he lives a hour and half away and wasn't going to give her number to him. Tried exposing her but her sister got involved and it back fired she give him the new number. Had a couple of weeks quiet then he text her a picture of them when she was 16. My wife was open about this and promised not to message. A few days later she went on a hen weekend and I 100% believe her. All their contact has been on what's app both her and this man were both online at the same time for it to be a coincidence. When she came home she went for a long walk and I'm 85% certain it was with him. They are far too many occasions of them both being on what's app at the same time for it to be a coincidence. I've asked her about it and she Denys it. We are still having kisses and cuddles and she says I mean a lot more to her than him. She seems to think it's romantic he still loves her after 16 years and left his gf for her even though they were having problems. I think it's the fact she gets the dating experience with him and has to do the dull maintain stuff with me. Any ideas how I can sort it before it goes to far. I've tried exposing and it pushed her closer to him as she felt she had nothing to loose. We have spoke about going to guidance but reading on here not sure how useful it would be?

Hi jia, welcome to Marriage Builders. To whom did you expose the affair? How many people?


Which is the reason your marriage is in such bad shape. Your marriage should be an exciting dating experience. We can teach you how to change this.

That's an illogical statement.

To whom did you expose, and how? What was the reaction from those people?

You exposed OM too right?

I take it the sister is now excluded from recovery and numbers have been changed again.

What do your ILs think of their daughter giving her married sisters phone number out to guys like this?

Has your infidelity been exposed too?

Who are these people you go to sex clubs with?

Thanks for the reply. Think there's been some confusion it was my wife who gave out her number when she started messaging him in anger when her sister gave her an ultimatum to leave him or me.

I told her dad, sister and my sister. The way my wife thinks is that if people know she has nothing g to.lose our daughter also knows.

I would attempt a more strategic, comprehensive exposure. If you just do a little trickle, it is just enough to tick off the affairees but not strong enough to inflict a death blow. While it might not kill it the day you expose it, it does hasten it's death. And it is not rational to say exposure "pushed them together," because if they weren't already together, there wouldn't be a need for exposure in the first place.

Please go read my exposure thread and plan a more strategic exposure. Ask your family and friends to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. Go to his family, friends and GF and tell them all about the affair. You need to apply as much pressure as possible in order to kill the affair. \

How old is your child and what was your child's reaction?

Go read this: Exposure 101

12 sided with me but she's of the understanding I am that we are working it out now. I only feel my wife's back.in text contact with the om want to nip it in the bud before it turns to meetings again

Have you exposed to both children?

It was a big mistake to do such a teeny exposure. Just enough to annoy her without killing the A. A pea shooter in a gun fight.

I also think proper recovery measures are in dire need. Married people should not be swanning off to work conferences, hen parties and clubs. Spend your evenings together.

These are the measures you should implement after a more comprehensive exposure.

12 sided with me but she's of the understanding I am that we are working it out now. I only feel my wife's back.in text contact with the om want to nip it in the bud before it turns to meetings again

Are you texting it in??

This was a grave mistake and rightfully made your wife feel very uncared for. You invited others into your marriage and now you are dealing with the aftermath. I am glad you see what a damaging mistake it was to do this.

When you expose, you need to expose ALL of this, not just her subsequent affair with the ex.

Who have you exposed to on OM's side?

Have you exposed to your children?

Is OM married?