It sounds to me like you have a lot of triggers and could benefit from ADs.

Is your home triggering you? How do you feel about where you live? It sounds too close to OW. The recent sighting explains your current mood.

You really should try to limit his presence in your mind.

What do you do when you start thinking about him? Do you use any distractions? There's a thread about triggers and resetting thought paths around here somewhere but I found a combination of elastic band/books/movies adequate.

My home is owned by WH and his father and I pay them rent. WH always used to come here when he and OW were together. So I guess the house is one big trigger. I can't afford to move right now as the rent I'm paying is the cheapest you can find.

That's why I'm doing the bookeeping course so I can find a better job and find somewhere else to live that I can afford.

I do play inspirational upbeat music when I think of him to try and stop myself but I also let the tears come and just go with it. After I cry I pick myself up and continue on.

I'm getting pretty good at talking myself out of thinking about him.

Another trigger is my DD and WH's daughter have always been close and still close. My DD has been asked to be bridesmaid at her wedding. That triggers me because WH's daughter hates me now because me and WH went behind OW's back. No one cared and they all blamed me even though I was his wife.

So I guess I feel triggered knowing my daughter will be at the wedding and WH and OW will be there. It's not for 18 months or so so maybe I won't give one iota by then. I hope I don't.

I know in my heart I can heal over time I just want it to happen yesterday.

I am sorry, RS, but it sounds to me like you are dwelling instead of focusing on moving your life forward without your ex (which is what Plan B is ALL about!)

My ex was a serial cheater who tricked me into 3 years of a false recovery....and post divorce I have gone thru YEARS (2+) of getting nasty emails from his OW who tries to bait me into fights, being dragged in and out of court and my kids going thru crazy drama.

And I don't hate him and I don't really care about him or what he is doing.

My life is full of so many positive things that I don't really have time to dwell on the negative. I know that doesn't sound possible and maybe even corny but it is the complete truth. I literally fall into bed completely exhausted at the end of the day, between projects around the house, cooking, activities with kids, walking the dogs, posting/reading MB (haha) and exercise etc.

I have asked you before about self-care which is really important and at that time it didn't sound like you were doing very much in the way of physical activity. I exercise twice a day and eat extremely well, and I can't emphasize enough how important I think this is to overall health and well-being.

So.....

How are you eating?
How are you sleeping?
Are you exercising daily?
What do you do for fun regularly?
What types of goals do you have for yourself?

The point of Plan B is that you should avoid these types of thoughts altogether. Don't think about WH and the possiblity of recovery.

Take it off the table completely and move your life forward as if he doesn't exist.

Rock, that is going to take forever! What would you do if you were given notice to leave? Would there be absolutely nowhere else you could afford?



Music wouldn't have cut it for me because you're still free to continue thinking. Nor would talking myself out of it. You only get a minute to redirect your thoughts. Get up and do something that takes up all of your focus.

x2

[/quote]

Rock, that is going to take forever! What would you do if you were given notice to leave? Would there be absolutely nowhere else you could afford?


I don't really know what I would do. I have looked at the current market and I am seriously paying less rent than what I should be. I do need another room as my daughter has moved back in, so finding somewhere with an extra room well that would be even more money.

Even somewhere with the same amount rooms I have would still be more expensive.

I just have to deal with the living situation for now till I make more money. It is quite homely, only small and my son and I have fun and enjoy each other.

I just have to be even stricter in not going anywhere I can run into WH and OW. I've done quite well, the sighting was the first in a very long time.

Yep Susie I'm trying really hard to do that. I've had a good weekend with my son and haven't really thought about WH.

I've been eating healthier and given up coke soft drink altogether which I feel better for. I was drinking it a lot but have stopped.

I went for a long walk on the weekend with my son and he rode his bike. I have also been doing a few runs around the neighbourhood. I feel better when I do that.

I'm busy studying, I have lots of friends and I am going to a concert this week and next week. I also went out to dinner with some friends last week. My son and I have a few movies planned over the next few weeks too.

I am trying to fill up my life with activities and keep busy.

I have also met some new friends online from overseas and been chatting to them so I'm feeling pretty good this week.

I really want to turn my life around and I feel I'm on the right track.

I guess last week I was having a bad week. I will pick myself up and work through the down times.

RS, I have been looking at your thread, trying to figure out why you describe yourself as still being so hurt and in pain (it doesn't make sense for me given your timeline and your PB) and I think I see the answer:


I think you are still waiting for your ex WH to come back and that you have been holding on to false hope that the divorce would finally break ex WH and OW up.

Dr Harley also told me that my ex WH would probably not even end up marrying OW4. They fight horribly and have so many problems, I hardly know where to begin. In a court-ordered counseling session, my ex basically complained and whined the entire time (when we are supposed to be discussing parenting issues) about how hard and stressful his relationship w/OW4 is.

Well, they did end up getting married and are even expecting a child. I see many waywards who have a death grip and miserable affairages lasting years and years here on the forums all the time.

RS, your ex has been gone for a VERY LONG time, and even if they did break up, he's not coming back. He's been wayward for so long and so much damage has been done that you don't want him back anyway.

I'm sorry and I know it probably hurt to hear this, but once you do let ex WH go, you will see your life turn around.

Yes Susie that really hurt to hear that. I'm not upset with you it just made me really sad

I guess you are right. I just don't understand though. If a wayward is so miserable and complain all the time why they hell would they marry the OW if they are so miserable? Why would they last years and years and years?

I do have to let him go I know. I've just been kidding myself all this time.

I don't know how to let go. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

You know what I probably needed to hear that. It may just be the kick up the butt I need.

rs you deserve so much better and once you get divorced and heal and move on you have no idea the opportunities to come your way. Heal and stay the course and soon you will look back and see how much you've grown. Don't stop your growth.

Thanks BH. I am divorced. It's the healing that's not happening. Some days I'm positive and okay. Other days I take 2 steps back.

Don't you think moving out of the house the ex owns would help tremendously?

Brainstorm and look around for other options that move you out of there. You need a clean break much more than you need this particular cheap rent. Find another cheap rental.

There are no other cheap rentals. It's not possible right now.

I thought you would come to the realisation on your own that he doesn't have what it takes to recover a marriage.

Yes, you had an affair, but typically a husband's reaction to that is either a) divorce b) Plan A hero or at the very least c) doormat-ville.

Yours is the only case I've ever heard of where he thought this was a brilliant opportunity to juggle women. His first post here was repugnant. Even his username was repellently sexist.

I think your own repentant feelings kind of blind you to how sucky he was during your A.

Someone with his history isn't to be counted on or measured using logic. He could well decide to stay with an OW he could cheat on or move into another dysfunctional relationship when it goes sour. But to come up with enough moxy to live up to the Plan B letter standards?

It's possible, but I wouldn't count on it.

Yeah it has been a long painful road for me Indie where I'm still needing kicks up the butt to show me the facts.

Ugghhh. I'm so desperate to heal and I wish I was over all this by now.

I learned from my mistakes and fought the hard battle to turn my life around and get my marriage back on track and never put him through that hurt ever again but I guess I lost the battle.


He was so for MB and bought all the books and learning it and asking me to read them. And then it all flew out the window.

Don't worry Indie I'm not counting on anything anymore.

He was only ever interested in the needs meeting part. He can't handle any kind of rough patch in which his needs are not met. So if you got sick you'd be screwed.

Yep that's correct. He got her so he wouldn't feel lonely.

I know I have a lot of guilt over what I did and blame myself for everything that has happened.

I know I played a part in the beginning but not the ending.

You aren't alone, though. You have two children that need you to pull yourself together and be a good role model for them. Especially your son who has a wayward father.

That alone makes it easy, for me.

Make your kids your priority, set a lot of good goals for yourself that have nothing to do with ex WH, and the rest of it will fall into place.