Then I suggest you stop arguing semantics and start listening.

That's a two way street, you know.

Can you please bring your wife here so we can talk to the person in your marriage who does not have bipolar?

Is your wife involved with your medical regimen?

Moses, the people you are arguing with like indiegirl are the best possible chance you have of getting your marriage back. People like indiegirl can you help you understand how your wife likely feels about you right now. That information could help you recover your marriage.

Try to beyou patient, Moses, and a miracle can happen. Dr. Harley and Joyce will answer. If they don't, then email again. Sometimes they can get piled up.

I'm sorry that you are losing your mom and your wife. This is going to be a very difficult time of mourning and growth.

Moses-
Try to be humble and open even though you feel powerless right now.
I can tell you firsthand that this is a one stop shop for learning to regulate the chaos. You are never to old to learn. But it will be a process.

If you listen to the advice here, and take it seriously, your wife can come to appreciate, love, admire and respect you. You NEED her. But she put up with the chaos for a long time and she can't sacrifice her health any longer. If you can commit to following these principles you have a great chance of providing the safety that she needs and winning her heart.

YES!!
1. But it is IMPERATIVE that you present it as a potential plan, subject to her input and enthusiastic agreement. The litmus test on whether the plan covers all the bases is how SHE feels about it.
2. She needs to feel protected, AND she needs to be protected.
But how is that possible, you ask?
It is.
You will need medication to do it, so that your moods are more stabilized. When you have a mood disorder, you cause a lot of hurt unintentionally. But it ruins a woman�s health to live with someone who is emotionally chaotic and reckless or even unintentionally unreliable. A woman needs a stable protector.

So, what you will need to do is:

1. Maintain the correct meds.
2. Give power to your wife to get you help in the event that you start to destabilize. (Learn to value her perspective. She probably has a good eye for your shifts. Respect her enough to get to a psychiatrist is she suggests it.
3. Set up all other Extraordinary Precautions that you BOTH need to keep you safe.
4. Learn to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. This will take a while. But it will help you to eliminate the intentional and unintentional problems.
5. Follow the MB Program. You will need lots of help and advice. You can get that through Dr. Harley, here from the veteran posters on the forum, from several of his affordable books, and especially from listening to him and his wife Joyce while they interact with others on the radio show.

Moses-
I feel very strongly that it would be great to get your wife on the phone with Joyce (eta: She is the first point of contact to talk on the program with her and Dr. Harley.) if at all possible. Your wife would be much more hopeful for change if she knew that the advice was coming from someone who truly understands what is happening in your brain, and knows the steps it takes to create a reliably happy marriage regardless. Joyce is so caring and helpful.

My husband has a mood disorder also. It has taken a long time for him to adjust to this idea and admit his thoughts. I didn't get it. He has struggled to even trust himself. I have noticed that living with shifting moods and thoughts creates a self-belief of distrust and confusion. Behavior is often explained away as �unintentional�. You are still responsible for your behavior, whether or not on purpose. You are an adult.

This program will give you the common language to communicate with your wife. It will give you tools to let her know what you need from her. And over time, it will breed consistency into your behaviors. As that consistency improves, her feeling of safety will grow.

Next thing: Please try to appreciate the time that people spend posting to you, even if what they say doesn�t hit just right. They are trying to wake you up to help you get your wife back. Sometimes the truth hurts. But every post that was made had value and truth. Try to find that shred of truth and focus on it. Nobody wants to invest in you and be argued with for donating their time of their own choice. Many of the people who you got offended by really get it and have YEARS of experience in solving these problems. Like YEARS! Every day for YEARS!

Why did I just take a LONG time out of my busy day to tell you all of this? Because I have seen progress and understanding with Marriage Builders that never occurred through any other method, and we tried a lot of things. I recommend the online program, which does cost money, but is totally worth it. Because of your �processing� issue, it would be helpful to get a coach to help you interpret things, especially if you tend to be binary and have lots of adjustments to make. Your wife would also get the support to learn how to manage in a tough marriage and email Dr. Harley in a more private forum whenever there are questions. But if that is not your route, the good people who post here will help you, as long as you take seriously their advice and show effort. However, if you don�t, they will give their time to others who do.

Last thing:

As previously requested, Can you please send your wife here?

My wife was fully involved until we separated at the end of November. I am still on all my meds now and being fully responsible for them.

I have been thinking about this. Right now I am depositing my pay directly into my account, then transferring her share to her account. I could arrange this so that my pay is being deposited directly into her account and she would be in control of giving me my share. I think I could talk to our human resources director and make arrangements to prevent me from making any changes to my pay and giving complete control of my pay check to my wife.

Essentially I still have the ability to withhold financial support from her making her feel vulnerable; if I can give her complete control of that, she will feel safer. I think I can do that fairly easily.

My wife is an extreme introvert, and would never talk to strangers about her problems. I expect it to be years down the road before she will even go to a marriage counselor with me. Neither one of us believes that divorce is a solution or it would already have happened.

Thank you. That looks like wise counsel.

I have been reading the portion on anger in LoveBusters and realize I have a problem with anger. I think all of the problems I have with my wife stem from my anger at her for not respecting (Admiration) me. The threat to withhold financial support from her was really an angry outburst in disguise, an intention to hurt her. My actions that stem from anger have slowly grown more intense over the years, and in the past year one time I threw a book across the room. I did not recognize this as extreme anger because of the way I was raised but reading the book reveals it. If I work on a plan to protect her from my actions and control and eliminate my anger, she will feel safe.

Listen to the clips in here.
Anger Management 101

Are you going to write Dr. Harley?

I have sent an email to Dr Harley for the second time now. This time I offered to be a caller and included my phone #.

Good job. They will know the best approach to helping you formulate a plan.

Hey Moses-
While you are waiting to talk with Dr. Harley, try to read as much as you can off the site. Take the tour, read the articles. I think that you have read the Basic Concepts, right?

Great and let us know when you hear back.

I see this ship turning around!