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Actually, having read the replies I received, and the beating I took from some of the repliers, and having reflected a bit more on it, realize that the biggest problem here is my own distorted thinking.
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Beg to differ. I've always felt that way. Love is putting someone else's happiness ahead of your own. Are you looking for help or are you here for someone to indulge your theories (how is your marriage track record so far?). And of course, I know 60 feels like "you" when you're there. But your head is in the clouds if you think any 30's woman doesn't view you as an "old man" in comparison. Since you won't listen to your peers, maybe hear it from the horse's mouth. It is borderline comical to think a woman in her 30s had any romantic interest being using you as a sponge for her woes. Once you come down to planet earth, you will see that your wife is a pretty good alternative to fantasy.
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Actually, having read the replies I received, and the beating I took from some of the repliers, and having reflected a bit more on it, realize that the biggest problem here is my own distorted thinking. Yes, it seems very distorted.
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This may sound funny, but I don't consider myself good marital material, Not funny at all. Most people who show up here aren't marriage material, to begin with. That's what this program is for -- to take marriages from bad and stale to romantic and healthy. Are you interested in the program, or are you wanting to blog?
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Agreed, it is definitely wrong, because it can't lend itself to a satisfactory outcome. I was open to suggestion, I really prefer to put it that way, because of the desert my own marriage has become. But marriage should not be a prison, where one is shackled to the other. I remain with my wife, because my despair has not reached a point where I'm motivated to end it. She remains with me for the same reason, she is a logical woman. What other reason is there? And, my younger friend joins me and makes my mornings brighter, because obviously she's getting something from the association she finds is worth the trouble she goes to. As do I. It's very simple. No one is forcing anyone to do anything.
As I mentioned, in a different reply, the real problem here is my thinking has become distorted. Not dealing in hard and fast reality,not dealing with fact. When my friend didn't return the sentiment expressed, she didn't because it wasn't there. I forget who referred to me as "the friendly grandfather on the train", and although I have no grandchildren and am not a grandfather, and in fact am all of 8 years younger than my friend's father, never the less, I can kind of see something along those lines, although from what I can tell, she has an excellent relationship with her father, who seems to be a very good man, and wouldn't need a substitute. I don't know. THere's a lot of inconsistency here, and when dealing with an unknown, best to assume the worst.
Now that I do know how she might view me, and I still like this person, I realize I can continue to make a positive contribution to her world, simply by leaving things as they are. Remember, if I were not making a positive contribution, she would not be joining me for the trip in. Please understand, I have never once said an unkind word about her husband, never tried to undermine her marriage in any way, never made a single suggestive remark, and would never, under any circumstance, do anything or say anything that would plant the slightest seed of doubt in her mind regarding the course she has chosen. That would truly be a damnable thing to do.
As to the home front, I'm looking for an opening to engage in a discussion about what's what. It has got to be done carefully... or maybe the better approach is to simply change my own behavior. Be more affectionate myself. I've never blamed my wife for our sad state of affairs, I know it is both of us, and sometimes you can change the equation by changing yourself. 19 years ago, I went from a 2 pack a day cigarette habit to zero. Cold turkey. 2 years ago, I lost 75 pounds through exercise and diet, went from obese to normal weight, and have successfully maintained it.
I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but someone asked about what happened in my first marriage. My first wife was an alcoholic. Severe. Hospitalizations, DT's, halfway house, the whole nine yards. I spent two years in Al-Anon, before deciding the best course was divorce. And I learned there, that I have control over everything, except other people, places, and things. Indeed, I barely have control over myself, and then only on a good day, as my story here would seem to indicate. It's a shame we have to be continually reminded of the lessons that came with such a high price, that we can't keep them front and center.
THanks for your insights.
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Do you want help learning MB for your marriage?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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New to all of this - not sure where to put it. I am a 60 year old, married male (second time), three kids, 23, 21 and 15. My wife is 56. What was once a great marriage has declined to something more along the lines of a business partnership. Don't argue much, haven't slept together in I honestly don't remember how many years, haven't attempted any intimacy in well over 10. Haven't been away together without the kids in 20 years. She seems fine with it, and I have become a grumpy old man.
To further complicate matters, on the commuter train I ride, 15 months ago I met a much younger woman, and although nothing physical has happened between us, it's been so nice just to be in the presence of someone I'm attracted to, and pay her a genuine compliment. Didn't have the guts or the heart to try to move things to the next level, simply tried to create the right environment, and hoped for something to happen. We ride in together every morning, go out for breakfast once a week. A few months ago I took her out for a very nice lunch, to celebrate our "first anniversary", and, expressed a few, I'll call them warm sentiments. No come on, no proposals, no asking for anything or seeking anything, just letting this person know I cared for her. First time I ever did anything like that with someone other than my wife in the 27 years I've known her. I know something like this is a mistake, if anything did happen, it could only lead to disaster, but, damn, its been so long since I've had any kind of romantic love in my life, and am I so wrong for wanting one more sip from that sweet cup before I reach the end? I took a vow of marriage, not of celibacy, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand on my head begging for it. Oh, and it doesn't help that I have ED, at least with my wife, I wouldn't know about anyone else. Our youngest wouldn't have been conceived were it not for Viagra.
Well, to make a long story short, earlier this week, the younger one told me she is pregnant, due in September. She and her husband apparently reconciled a difficulty where in she wanted another child - its a second marriage for them both, she has two daughters, 4th and 8th grade, and his kids are nearly raised. He's 47, she's 37. Needless to say, while this is great news for her, it's terrible news for me. Although, in truth, our relationship has been starting to get more routine and stale, the conversation nothing but a recital of her domestic issues and activities. I feel I know more of what's going on under her roof than I do of what's going on under mine, and I'm no more interested in her details than I am in mine, truth be told. I do realize this is important to her, and while she certainly has no obligation to tell me anything, it would seem to me if someone is expressing affection for you and you know you've taken a major, irrevocable turn such as this, the only decent thing to do is tell them. She has to have been committed to this plan since around the time we went for that anniversary lunch.
I should be given an award for elevating stupidity from a virtue to a science. I really don't know who or what I am anymore. THere's much more I could add to this screwed up tale, but this is supposed to be a post, not a novel. I believe step one is to tell my young friend that it's time for me to say good bye, that there's no place for me in this new scenario. I've wrestled with this for the last two days, and hate it, but the only alternative is to carry on until she goes on maternity leave, adding pregnancy updates to the rest of the domestic chatter and really, what male wants to be walking around with someone else's pregnant wife? I'm grateful to MB for pointing out the grieving process, I plan on giving things a couple of weeks to give myself a chance to start to recover, and then, I suppose, the next step is to try to work on improving my marriage, so this doesn't happen again.
Once again, I appreciate MB for the EMotional Needs they list, it really helps to articulate what's lacking. But, you know, I hate to say it, but I really have no desire for my wife, and she seems to have none for me either. I don't want another divorce, and if that should happen, don't want another marriage. But I don't want to be alone either. The idea of retiring, and being in my marriage 24/7 as it now exists is completely unacceptable. I feel we are both responsible for the state of our marriage. Sure wasn't like this when we started. It makes sense that if we both can admit our marriage is failing, and articulate what we each believe we need in order to make it at least sustainable, we've got a chance, and if we can't, well, then why not part amicably and move on to whatever comes next? I'm getting older, I don't have a lot of time to waste. Who knows how many good years are left? If you can call these "good years".
I'd be grateful for any feedback on this. I never knew 60 would be like this. If I did, I don't think I'd have quit smoking 20 years ago, since, at times, I'd rather just be dead. I take it you've seen the film Brief Encounter? I watched it again just a week ago, and I was surprised at my reaction to it. I have seen it at least twice before, and I "remembered" it as glamorising, romanticising and glorifying an affair (which, as I'm sure you know, began when two married people travelled regularly together on a train). I remembered the laughter and happiness between the couple  and I always thought that it was a grave travesty that the haunting beauty of the Rachmaninoff piano concerto had been misused on such a deeply ugly tale . However, last week when I watched it, I saw what I had failed to noticed before, and that was how the affair made the woman so deeply unhappy that she was suicidal. In fact, she planned to throw herself under a train. The story was about the misery that the affair brought to all concerned. The two people in that affair had simply taken their existing lives, and the spouses and children who loved them, and urinated all over them. The end result was simply filth and desecration. I think that's what happened to you, and that is why you have come here. In your gentlemanly, restrained, refined and understated way, you fell for a young woman who was kind to you. It's certainly possible that she enjoyed your evident attraction to her, and that her conversations with you were not at all the same as those she would have had with her father. It is certainly possible that meeting you was the highlight of her day, and breakfast, the highlight of her week. There was something wrong with her marriage and she was unhappy, and you were someone who was interested in her, attracted to her (I'm sure she knew) and who gave her attention and conversation. I'm sure you were a bright light in her life. However, clearly she was not lining you up to replace her husband. She must have just conceived that baby when you went for your anniversary lunch, and she was three months pregnant when she told you this week about it. For at least four months, she has been somewhat reconciled with her husband and has been aware that this relationship with you would soon come to an end. And what a slap in the face these particular circumstances are. You have ED and would not find it easy to conceive a child, and here she is, flaunting her (younger) husband's fertility for the world to see - quite literally, soon, once the pregnancy begins to show. If, during these increasingly "routine and stale" recitals of her "domestic issues and activities" she had told you that she was trying for a baby, you wouldn't be feeling nearly as humiliated as you feel now, having gone as far as to express "warm sentiments". But you did express them, and now you feel pitied, as well as humiliated, by her letting you down gently. Isn't it interesting that the dynamic between the two of you is the same as in every affair; the man pretends to find the woman's dull recital of her trivial issues fascinating (when really they are no such thing), and the woman hides the reality of her married life, with a husband who cares for her, so that her affair partner can feel as if he is the love of her life. So many lies, and it all ends with one or both feeling devastated. I hope that you can see, now, that an affair is no way to find true love. Affairs are nothing but deception, and they ruin the lives of all affected by them. You said the correct thing in your first post: "It makes sense that if we both can admit our marriage is failing, and articulate what we each believe we need in order to make it at least sustainable, we've got a chance..." That is absolutely true, and that is what the kind posters on your thread have been urging you to do. You know that rebuilding your marriage would bring you the greatest happiness possible, so why are you fighting with the very people who are trying to help you? The Marriage Builders programme is about building great marriages from scratch. It doesn't matter how long the marriage has been bad (it may never have been good), or whether there has been an affair; the goal is to create and maintain romantic love between husband and wife. That would be so much more rewarding that breaking up your family for an affair, or than living in your existing misery until death, wouldn't you agree? Would you like to learn how to do that?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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When my friend didn't return the sentiment expressed, she didn't because it wasn't there. I forget who referred to me as "the friendly grandfather on the train", and although I have no grandchildren and am not a grandfather, and in fact am all of 8 years younger than my friend's father, never the less, I can kind of see something along those lines, although from what I can tell, she has an excellent relationship with her father, who seems to be a very good man, and wouldn't need a substitute. I don't know. THere's a lot of inconsistency here, and when dealing with an unknown, best to assume the worst. You are saying that you cannot believe that she sees you as a father figure, but you know she did not see you as a lover. There was something in between the two that is too complicated to work out. Well, that 's very true, in my view. As I wrote above, she was getting something more than friendship from you. She has girlfriends, and she has a father, and she has a husband, but you were different from those relationships. However, the point is that your relationship with each other was wrong, and futile, and hurtful to you and your spouses. Do not waste time trying to pin down exactly what you were to her; if you ever decide that there WAS some romantic attraction to you, what would you do then? Try and persuade her to take your relationship further? She has three young kids, for goodness sake, including one unborn, who need their family intact and who need you to BUTT OUT of their lives. Leave it alone. No good can come from this. Seeing her will make nobody happy; not you, nor her, and not the spouses and children, when a worse mess is uncovered many months down the line. Stop ruminating about that relationship. Stop writing about it on this forum. Stop thinking about whether she duped you, cared for you, used you or whatever. NEVER see her again and put her out of your life for good. Focus on your marriage. It is the only thing that will bring everybody happiness.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Now that I do know how she might view me, and I still like this person, I realize I can continue to make a positive contribution to her world, simply by leaving things as they are. Remember, if I were not making a positive contribution, she would not be joining me for the trip in. NO. Do not do this. "Simply leaving things as they are" is code for continuing to see her on the train, and talk, and have breakfasts. You think that, even if she does not see you as a lover, and only sees you as a father figure, she liked you and you made her happy; this must be true, as she sought you out each day. So why not leave things as they are and continue to see her? You know why. You can see how this affair has brought you misery, and you know that will only get worse, for you and her and both your families. You need to turn your back on her and NEVER see her again.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I was open to suggestion, I really prefer to put it that way, because of the desert my own marriage has become. But marriage should not be a prison, where one is shackled to the other. Why don't you use the free Marriage Builders program, which fixes all of that? No desert, no prison. Why are you ignoring my posts and my questions?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Zach, these are my questions that I haven't seen answers to. Zach, do you own the book Surviving an Affair?
Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?
Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily?
Have you told your wife about the woman you developed feelings for? Will your wife post here?
We have a plan here from Dr. Harley that you and your wife can follow to put love back into your marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Actually, having read the replies I received, and the beating I took from some of the repliers, and having reflected a bit more on it, realize that the biggest problem here is my own distorted thinking. Yes. You're thinking with your emotions. And yet, everything that will truly help your marriage right now is going to feel un-natural to you (and your wife). SugarCane and markos, alis, and others have made excellent posts already. The MB program teaches us that it is the most difficult thing and yet the simplest thing to heal our marriages and fall back into passionate love. At any age. You CAN go back to valuing fondly all of your years together. You CAN go back to looking at your wife with pride in your heart at what the two of you have been through together. You can buy into a REAL relationship and marriage. No, It's not easy. Speaking for myself (and my husband), this is the most difficult thing that we've ever done or been through in our 50+ years on earth. But oh the reward! Aren't you the teensiest bit enticed by that? If so, then take this time and read, read, read the free material. Keep posting here and asking questions AS YOU READ and learn the MB principles (and look at the posts that Markos has made to you to see how to access the MB radio show for FREE every day). You can have this feeling with your wife again! And for the remainder of your lives. If you're both willing to make some radical changes.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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Zach,
"A few months ago I took her out for a very nice lunch, to celebrate our "first anniversary", and, expressed a few, I'll call them warm sentiments. No come on, no proposals, no asking for anything or seeking anything, just letting this person know I cared for her"
Don't yet have the skill of posting quotes except cut paste.
But, if this is what you really believe you're on the wrong side of the bed and attempting to snow people here. You took her to lunch in the hope of establishing a romantic relationship period!! And yea, after several yeas of a non-romantic, sexless marriage, you probably feel entitled to 'sow some oats'. Problem is there most likely at your age isn't much to 'sow' except for the regret of your failing marriage.
I'm age 72 'old guy', been married 46 years, wife has been in a nursing home the last five, so we have been separated. We're still married and love each other despite that (younger people like you probably wouldn't understand...*s*) Point is, it is tough for any man to live day-to-day w/o a woman's attention and admiration! You have to decide at some point what is more important - in my case - to be separated from God be engaging in adultery, through thought or action, or to realize your age and who you are and to strive to make the best of every day of your life. The essence is establishing a boundary around your moral conviction and your marriage.
I do a lot of things now to continue and to improve my like. Isn't easy. I work part-time, I do a lot of volunteer work, I cook for myself and I work out. I feel stronger now than I did ten years ago. In doing volunteer work I've made some female friends over the last couple of years - yes 30s and 40s. One friend in particular and I have done work on matching donors with needy families for Christmas gifts over the last two years and we have been told we have done a great job and we like working together, but that is it - we have internal boundaries and we enjoy our work for the purpose it serves.
Men and women are going to come in contact through work, social life, or just passing on the street or taking the same transportation. If you make such contacts, they should not signal you to try to 'move in', and that's what I think you were doing. You need to guard against the fact that you are married (however unhappily), that your 'friend' is also married, and to be cognizant of your boundary against adultery.
Best advice is what someone already stated in a post - tell your wife what you felt and experienced and that it won'[t happen again, and then take another train!
Tom
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Zach,
You have stated in a previous post that your wife has "many admirable qualities," that she has made positive contributions to the marriage and that she is only partly to blame for the state of the marriage. Don't you think that this admirable woman deserved to know about the relationship and your feelings for this young woman? You at least owed her that. She has a right to know so she can make decisions about her own life based on this knowledge. You were having an emotional affair--just as much an affair as had it been physical. And from a woman's point of view perhaps even more destructive. You have betrayed and disrespected your wife in the worst way! You have to tell her.
But be prepared. This "logical woman" may unleash a torrent of pain and anquish like you cannot imagine. Your selfish, independent, thoughtless behaviors have probably caused her to fall out of love with you. She probably tried to discuss issues with you over the years, but it fell on deaf ears. Her problems probably interested you even less than the young woman's problems interest you. You mentioned, for instance, the issue about differences in opinions about how income is spent. Speaking from experience I can tell you that such independent behavior as you seem to feel entitled to may have made her feel very insecure in many ways. The issue over spending--her holding on tight to the money-- may be one symptom of that.
But for a few details, your story could be my story, but I am the betrayed wife. My husband was shocked by the magnitude of the fall out resulting from his thoughtless behavior. He never considered that his down-to-earth, logical wife would be so in pain, so enraged she might leave him over this. What you may not have considered is that while you were not listening over the years, your wife may have been juggling many things while trying very hard to be a loving wife. Or you may have "forgotten" as my husband did about all of the hurtful behaviors you were guilty of which caused her to withdraw from you emotionally and physically.
But there is hope for your marriage. If you begin to finally listen and take reponsibility for your own behavior in the marriage rather than focusing the attention on what your wife may be lacking and what you feel you are missing out on, things may begin to change. You may realize you have a good woman who went without affection and attention for many years and who had emotionally and physically withdrawn from the marriage for her own emotional protection.
If you try changing your own behavior towards your wife, as you have indicated you are considerating, you might be surprised at how much better your mariage might become. But first you MUST put an end to your emotional affair and you MUST be open and honest; you have to tell your wife everything!
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Zack,
I should have added in my previous post a very important point: Please be the one to inform your wife. Please don't let her discover the affair on her own. Believe me, the hurt and damage from that would be equal to the affair itself. And tell her everything. Don't trickle-truth her if you want a good shot a reviving your marriage.
Also, I am now in my 60's, but as a young woman (unmarried) I once enjoyed what I thought to be the "fatherly" friendship and attentions of an older married man. He was an educated, interesting, thoughtful, and respected gentleman in my community, and I was flattered by his apparent interest and affection for me. What young woman wouldn't be?
But I was naive, and trusting then, and it didn't occur to me that his interests were anything but fatherly. When his affectionate comments eventually turned into something more than that, and I realized his thoughts about me had been lustful rather than paternalistic, I was stricken and so disappointed in him. I also felt guilt and blamed myself.
Of course, when I learned this, the relationship was over for me. But to this day I have never forgotten how I felt, though I no longer blame myself. This older man knew exactly what he was doing though it may have started out innocently. This is also why I have found my own older husband's inappropriate behavior towards young women so appalling. Just the thought of it physically sickens me!
Yes, there are some young women who probably really do fall in love with older men, but those men have much to offer for that age difference to be over looked, and I imagine most older men just do not fall into this category.
I think young people, especially in these times, are seeking wisdom and encouragment from an older generation. It's sad that we so often disappoint them.
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First, thank you so much for your empathy. I genuinely appreciate it. You are a decent and kind person. I've never seen the film, and not sure I want to.
What you said in your last paragraph is absolutely true, and I do not disagree. That being said, I don't know at this point that I am willing to "commit" to anything. I believe I am in the grieving stage of this, and am really trying to sort things out. My view of things, although it has undergone substantial revision over the past week, is still distorted and I'm not sure where it will land. I find myself bitter and depressed. I'm honestly not sure if I'm mourning the loss of any possibility with her, as much as I am the reality that I am no longer an adult, but have become an "older" adult, whatever that is supposed to mean. How the hell did it get so late so fast? All I see are losses, and all there seems to be to look forward to are additional losses, I see no potential for gains.
There's three options, regarding my marriage. Improve it if that's possible, accept things as they are, or end it. Which course I follow will depend on what's possible and what isn't, in terms of finding contentment and satisfaction, just like it was when we started, and will not be determined by promises made decades ago between people very different from whom we are today. That attitude may not be very popular around this website, but it is honest.
I can tell you, I am making no confessions to anyone about anything at this point. I have done nothing wrong, harmed no one, and have nothing to atone for. All of this distortion has remained within the confines of my own skull, no need to spread it around. The only one who seems to have suffered and is suffering here is me, entirely self inflicted and probably deserved.
Thanks for your understanding.
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You are as much to blame for your marriage problems as your wife.
You clearly are deceitful, and think that a lifestyle that you need to hide from your wife is hurting 'no one but yourself.' THAT, is a very very selfish way to look at marriage. And frankly, if it were true, why not tell her? If it doesn't hurt her in the least, why keep it some big secret? Why not tell her about how sad you are that your young female train friend is pregnant with her husbands child.
You talk incessantly about not having an intimate relationship, and also say you have ED. What if your wife also wants to have more intimacy, but can't because you have ED? Have you tried to correct this problem? How could you possibly blame her for a lack of physical intimacy when you yourself cannot have that level of physical intimacy?
Here's what you should do. You should send your wife to this forum so we can help HER decide if she wants to continue a marriage with a deceitful, selfish man who clearly doesn't give a hoot about how his lifestyle is affecting her.
Seems like you didn't come here to seek marriage building advice. You came to whine about how sad you are that your young female train friend had the nerve to get pregnant with HER HUSBAND'S baby when you worked to hard to prime her by listening to her mundane life stories. Note at the top of the page, *Marriage Builders.*
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Zach, these are my questions that I haven't seen answers to. Zach, do you own the book Surviving an Affair?
Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?
Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily?
Have you told your wife about the woman you developed feelings for? Will your wife post here?
We have a plan here from Dr. Harley that you and your wife can follow to put love back into your marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My view of things, although it has undergone substantial revision over the past week, is still distorted and I'm not sure where it will land. I find myself bitter and depressed. I'm honestly not sure if I'm mourning the loss of any possibility with her, as much as I am the reality that I am no longer an adult, but have become an "older" adult, whatever that is supposed to mean. How the hell did it get so late so fast? All I see are losses, and all there seems to be to look forward to are additional losses, I see no potential for gains. Isn't it interesting that you only see hopelessness in your life and others here see great hope. You were pinning your hopes and happiness on a fleeting illusion while all the time, true sustainable joy and happiness could be found in your own home. We know how to help you attain this. You don't see it, though, because you have never experienced it. You are the cancer stricken man who shows up with a death sentence at MD Anderson in Houston. But the experienced cancer geeks [who annhilate cancer every day] are giddy with the hope they see in your life. That is how I feel when I see your life. I see man who wants companionship and love in his life but can't see what is right under his nose because he doesn't understand how fantastic marriages are made. in terms of finding contentment and satisfaction, just like it was when we started, and will not be determined by promises made decades ago between people very different from whom we are today. That attitude may not be very popular around this website, but it is honest. That attitude is not dishonest, but ignorant. I understand why you would feel that way, though. You have not seen the amazing recoveries we have seen. I can tell you, I am making no confessions to anyone about anything at this point. I have done nothing wrong, harmed no one, and have nothing to atone for. If you have done nothing wrong, then what would be wrong with telling your wife? The truth is that your marriage cannot possibly ever recover unless you are radcially honest wiht your wife. Your feelings about this woman are a great indicator of the problems in your marriage. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
You are a decent and kind person. Thank you, but so is everybody who posted on your thread. I don't know of any regular poster here whom I would not describe as decent and kind. We all share the goal of Dr Harley's Marriage Builders programme, which is to build romantic marriages that last a lifetime. Our purpose in posting is to share what we have learned from Dr Harley. That being the case, I advise you to answer every single question that has been asked of you on here. Do not do as you have done today, which is to sift through the posts, and ignore those that do not show empathy on the terms that you would prefer. The poster markos has repeated asked you about your knowledge of Dr Harley's work, and you have not answered him yet. He and all the other posters are encouraging you, as I did in the posts that you found empathetic, actively to turn away from the woman that you desired and learn what it takes to have a fulfilling, passionate marriage. You need to read every article that is available free on this website, and see how the MB programme conceptualises "emotional needs", and uses that concept, and that of the Love Bank, to encourage behaviour that fosters romantic love, to create a marriage of extraordinary care and protection. When you have read the articles concerned with rebuilding a marriage after an affair, you will see how radical honesty about the affair is critical, because radical honesty with your wife will forever be critical to building the kind of marriage you want, and have been missing. I don't know at this point that I am willing to "commit" to anything. I believe I am in the grieving stage of this, and am really trying to sort things out. When you have all read all the articles about recovering from an affair, you will learn that what you are going through is withdrawal; it is similar to the withdrawal that an alcoholic experiences when he gives up drinking. It is painful and all-consuming, but it will lessen. If you work on making your marriage fulfilling, the painful feelings will decrease rapidly and eventually disappear altogether. We are pushing you to experience the joy that a fully recovered and rebuilt marriage will bring you. At this stage, I think we would only ask you to commit to trying to rebuild; certainly not to commit to staying with your wife if your current, long-term unhappiness never ends. My view of things, although it has undergone substantial revision over the past week, is still distorted and I'm not sure where it will land. I find myself bitter and depressed. I'm honestly not sure if I'm mourning the loss of any possibility with her, as much as I am the reality that I am no longer an adult, but have become an "older" adult, whatever that is supposed to mean. How the hell did it get so late so fast? This is withdrawal, and regret. You need to work on your marriage so that is passes, but you cannot work on your marriage if you are not honest with your wife. There's three options, regarding my marriage. Improve it if that's possible, accept things as they are, or end it. Which course I follow will depend on what's possible and what isn't, in terms of finding contentment and satisfaction, just like it was when we started, and will not be determined by promises made decades ago between people very different from whom we are today. We are not asking you to accept things as they are because you made vows 30 years ago. We ARE saying that it wrong - for you - to end your marriage because this affair has brought your feelings to a head, when you have not tried the first choice: find out how to improve it so radically that you will not recognise the relationship that results. I can tell you, I am making no confessions to anyone about anything at this point. I have done nothing wrong, harmed no one, and have nothing to atone for. All of this distortion has remained within the confines of my own skull, no need to spread it around. The only one who seems to have suffered and is suffering here is me, entirely self inflicted and probably deserved. You cannot improve your marriage if you do not tell your wife what is wrong. You cannot encourage her to join you in creating a new marriage if you do not tell her how you are feeling, and why. She does not know the crisis that is taking place at the heart of her marriage, just out of her sight. She cannot work with you to overcome that crisis if she does not know about it, and also, as I said above, you cannot have the marriage you desire in the future if you do not practice radical honesty forever, starting from where you are today.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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