|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I never saw the original other man again, although we did get back in communication for a while and spent time sexting and having phone sex. He texted me at Christmas to say happy holidays, but that's been it with him. He was divorcing his wife the last I heard. This is your problem.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Are you referring to yourself or did your H have a revenge affair? Myself. Why don't you post here about it, and give posters a chance to help? I've been raked over the coals here, and I understand why, but I'm exhausted now. To explain the last year and coming to realize I have a sex addiction has been a real struggle. I'm not sure I want to give details. I'll say over the last couple of years, I've had anonymous sex with men I've met on a married dating site and CL. I couldn't stop until last May when I met a man I really liked, and still continued to keep looking for more men. I'm very aware it's inappropriate, I'm still married and every man I've been with has been married. It's actually interesting that the new man I started communicating with on the same weekend I had spent a night with the one I have ended up having feelings for told me I had a problem, told me about AA and asked if my life was out of control. I had never heard of sex addiction and googled it where I found several different tests you could take. You might have a problem if you scored 8 I believe it was. I scored 16 on one, 18 and 20 on the others. I called SAA and bought books, got a sponsor and talked to a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. Idk if it's helped, I just feel lost. I've quit with the anonymous sex and in the last year I haven't had sex with anyone but my husband and the man I have feelings for. I'm sure that's appalling to everyone here, but I feel it's something to celebrate considering the roller coaster I've been on. At the same time I still feel hopeless and out of control because I don't think I can ever quit completely. I've managed to keep the texting way down, and try to do the things I've learned in SAA, but sometimes when I can't see the OM for a while I feel like I'm climbing the walls. I feel like I just want to be put out of my misery. Goldilocks, I suggest you do the following: Start listening to that radio show immediately. Contact Dr. Harley at his radio show email address (mbradio@marriagebuilders.com) and explain your situation to him and ask him if in his professional opinion he believes you have a sex addiction. This is a zillion times better than trying to self-diagnose yourself. Whatever way the OM contacted you, change that contact information. Lose that phone number, email address, or whatever. Move if you have to. Tell your husband about the contact. Goldilocks do you own the book Surviving an Affair? Surviving an Affair covers a whole range of infidelity situations including from one night stands and anonymous sex to people who are deeply in love with their affair partner(s) to serial adulterers. It's all in there, and Dr. Harley is glad to provide clarification. I think you need to quit trying to freehand your own recovery. Dr. Harley is the real expert in this. Start using his materials - nearly everything is free to you. Start listening to that radio show and learning the plan of recovery. We have had people in situations just like yours completely turn their lives around.
Last edited by markos; 03/21/15 08:35 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
It's great to hear that you have installed the app. Have you listened to Friday's show, yet? It's available 24/7, until Monday's show comes out.
I really, earnestly recommend daily listening.
Last edited by markos; 03/21/15 08:36 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Has anyone had any experience with a sex addicted spouse? Dr. Harley has had tons and tons and tons of experience. I really want to emphasize this. In addition to Marriage Builders, Dr. Harley used to run a large chain of mental health clinics in Minnesota. They dealt with every conceivable situation, especially addiction. If there is anybody who knows addiction, and knows marriage, and knows infidelity, it is Dr. Willard Harley. You owe it to yourself to check out his unique expertise.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025 |
Have you ever been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder?
It is my understanding that nearly every woman on ashleymadison.com is bi-polar.
When you talk to Dr. Harley mention any previous psychiatric diagnosis you may have had.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
Have you ever been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder?
It is my understanding that nearly every woman on ashleymadison.com is bi-polar.
When you talk to Dr. Harley mention any previous psychiatric diagnosis you may have had. That's pretty funny- where did you get that information? Just an FYI...I've never had any previous psychiatric diagnosis. lol Thanks though.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Has anyone had any experience with a sex addicted spouse? A quick read through of your posts suggests to me that you are not a sex addict, but you ARE addicted to the OM (as are all people in affairs). You told us you had ended that affair and confessed to your husband, but here you are, three years later, talking about your addiction. What has been happening? It is obvious that you are still seeing that man, and seeking to blame it on "sex addiction". I never saw the original other man again, although we did get back in communication for a while and spent time sexting and having phone sex. He texted me at Christmas to say happy holidays, but that's been it with him. He was divorcing his wife the last I heard. Have you changed all your contact information? Have you put EPs in place? Does your BH know all this? When is the last time you have been tested for STDs? Will you answer?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
Has anyone had any experience with a sex addicted spouse? Dr. Harley has had tons and tons and tons of experience. I really want to emphasize this. In addition to Marriage Builders, Dr. Harley used to run a large chain of mental health clinics in Minnesota. They dealt with every conceivable situation, especially addiction. If there is anybody who knows addiction, and knows marriage, and knows infidelity, it is Dr. Willard Harley. You owe it to yourself to check out his unique expertise. Thank you, I appreciate the information. I tried to quote you above but it wouldn't let me and I lost my response to you, but I wanted to say that the book sounds like something I should have and I will look for it. I'll also email Dr Harley, I'd like to hear what he has to say- I've spent months working on recovery. I just can't give up (I refer to him as my boyfriend) OM right now. He's actually been a huge help in keeping me on a constructive path. If I had to say I've ever loved anyone it would be him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
Have you changed all your contact information? No
Have you put EPs in place? No
Does your BH know all this? No
When is the last time you have been tested for STDs? December 2014, I'm clean.
Will you answer? Yes.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Why are you still married?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I just can't give up (I refer to him as my boyfriend) OM right now. He's actually been a huge help in keeping me on a constructive path. If I had to say I've ever loved anyone it would be him. That explains everything, Goldilocks. Does your husband know?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
Why are you still married? Because I have a 10 year old still at home and other kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I just can't give up (I refer to him as my boyfriend) OM right now. He's actually been a huge help in keeping me on a constructive path. If I had to say I've ever loved anyone it would be him. Goldilocks, if you could be in love with your husband instead of OM, would it be better for you? Would it be better for your children? Because that is what the Marriage Builders program achieves. That is what Dr. Harley and we can help you achieve. The plan here to achieve that works every single time a couple follows it. Every single time. It's like a foolproof diet. Follow it, and you get the results, but it doesn't work if you don't follow it. Dr. Harley is an expert in how to create the feeling of romantic love, even if it has never existed before. That is what Marriage Builders is all about. Be sure and read How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages if you haven't read it before. It's amazing! It's not what you'll find from any other marriage program. My wife was also once in love with another man, while married to me. But today she is passionately in love with me and we are extremely happy. There's no need to worry about sex addiction when you're an open book to your spouse and you are both meeting each other's emotional needs.
Last edited by markos; 03/21/15 09:45 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Why are you still married? Because I have a 10 year old still at home and other kids. Wouldn't it be better for your 10 year old for you to be in love with your husband?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
I just can't give up (I refer to him as my boyfriend) OM right now. He's actually been a huge help in keeping me on a constructive path. If I had to say I've ever loved anyone it would be him. That explains everything, Goldilocks. Does your husband know? No
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
Why are you still married? Because I have a 10 year old still at home and other kids. Wouldn't it be better for your 10 year old for you to be in love with your husband? Yes, I'm sure it would.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Why are you still married? Because I have a 10 year old still at home and other kids. Do you think they don't know? Goldilocks, I'll bet you are my mom's age. She did this too - same timeline, same methods. After all, my little sister was still at home, why divorce? "For the kids". It really hurt us. In fact, I have zero respect for her and since marrying him weeks after the 2011 divorce to be with " boyfriend", he has never stepped in our home. Boyfriend cost her the home, the children, the grandchildren, and her dignity. You've posted here YEARS and are still in contact. So, when I ask "why are you married?", I'm asking - just how long are you going to continue to hurt your family? Lie to them? Keep up the charade for thrills?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
I just can't give up (I refer to him as my boyfriend) OM right now. He's actually been a huge help in keeping me on a constructive path. If I had to say I've ever loved anyone it would be him. Goldilocks, if you could be in love with your husband instead of OM, would it be better for you? Would it be better for your children? Because that is what the Marriage Builders program achieves. That is what Dr. Harley and we can help you achieve. The plan here to achieve that works every single time a couple follows it. Every single time. It's like a foolproof diet. Follow it, and you get the results, but it doesn't work if you don't follow it. Dr. Harley is an expert in how to create the feeling of romantic love, even if it has never existed before. That is what Marriage Builders is all about. Be sure and read How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages if you haven't read it before. It's amazing! It's not what you'll find from any other marriage program. My wife was also once in love with another man, while married to me. But today she is passionately in love with me and we are extremely happy. There's no need to worry about sex addiction when you're an open book to your spouse and you are both meeting each other's emotional needs. I believe that would be true, I can control myself with my bf in my life. I've done it for almost a year now. I've even given him my passwords for things. It's just crazy hard that he's the OM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
I've spent months working on recovery. How have you been working on recovery? What actions have you taken towards this?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 122 |
Why are you still married? Because I have a 10 year old still at home and other kids. Do you think they don't know? Goldilocks, I'll bet you are my mom's age. She did this too - same timeline, same methods. After all, my little sister was still at home, why divorce? "For the kids". It really hurt us. In fact, I have zero respect for her and since marrying him weeks after the 2011 divorce to be with " boyfriend", he has never stepped in our home. Boyfriend cost her the home, the children, the grandchildren, and her dignity. You've posted here YEARS and are still in contact. So, when I ask "why are you married?", I'm asking - just how long are you going to continue to hurt your family? Lie to them? Keep up the charade for thrills? Nope not thrills. It's called life, and hopefully you'll stay blissfully happy to your hubby the rest of your life. Too much to go into here.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
198
guests, and
45
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,959
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
