Congratulations.

Are you still in Plan B with your WXH?

At this point, the best advice i can offer is to avoid sexual relations with this man. Dr. Harley has explained on his Radio Show that based on his observation of counseling more than 50,000 couples that women sometimes after divorce get swept away by a new romantic interest and kind of allow the man to take over. This is particularly concerning when there are young children in the home but since your son does not live with you that aspect may not be a main issue. However, the scenario is exasperated if the couple have sex because the female develops an emotional bond and does not always rationally consider all aspects of the relationship.

Throughout my personal observations on the forum, it seems that after a woman is divorced they quickly jump into dating, often immediately after divorce. Harley does not advocate this but it seems their emotional need to be loved by a man trumps his cautions. Men on the otherhand seem to delay dating while getting their lives in order.

Jedi it sounds like this is a general recollection, but do you have any links or remember a specific show? I just find some of these points very interesting.



Do you mean the new husband takes over from the ex? There's no contact with exes anyway as I understand it. I'm not sure how a boyfriend could take over a household he wasn't part of.

Or do you mean he takes over the woman so she has no say in decisions? Surely PoJA would prevent that. If he wasn't living with her decisions would be limited to restaurants anyway.

One of the reason I'm so interested is I certainly see a lot of problems with mum's boyfriends in schools, theyre much more visible issues than dads girlfriends, because custody tends to be with mum. But these tend to be live in boyfriends. I'd also bet my hat that lots are the OM.

Sorry to TJ Rock!

This is just an anecdote that has no basis in fact. Women are slightly less likely to remarry after divorce (at least in the population over 45).

https://www.nationalparentsorganization.org/blog/19345-why-are-men-more-lik

Also an anecdote that may or may not have any basis in fact: it seems that it's harder to divorce a WH than a WW. The WH's I've seen on this board rarely file for divorce and when they do, they drag out the divorce proceedings or don't lift a finger to settle anything. Many women have been in Plan B for a year or more by the time the ink is dry. For many women, they wait so long to date anyway, its not like they go straight from a regular marriage to a new boyfriend right away, but have been alone for a considerable period of time before they date-sometimes up to 5 or 6 years.

That said, it is tempting to go after the first positive attention you receive in that situation, especially when your last recollection of a romantic partner was someone who was cheating on you, abusing you and gaslighting you. So, yes, proceed with caution, especially if you have kids.

I've heard Dr Harley say something similar to that therapist about a woman's support network. He says single women do really well and thrive typically. But I don't know about whether they typically decide to do that.

I know quite a few older ladies who are determined and permanent non-daters and very happy. However they did have some unhappy dating experiences soon after divorce. The really typically obvious user type men. It's well worth reiterating and you can see how it could happen without MB advice.

Even with MB advice, considering new actions and taking new actions are two different things!

Regarding the new boyfriend kind of taking over, HArley addressed this when i was on his radio show around Dec 2012.
Someone may be able to post a link to the show.
On the show, Harley explains this is one of the main concerns he has with single moms dating after divorce.
Also, he often tells single moms to wait until the kids are grown before remarriage. He told poster Jennifer Voyager this also.

Thanks Jedi

Here it is.

Radio Clip of Jedi_Knight's Show About Dating After Divorce
Segment #2
Segment #3

BH, you're such a legend!

I'm unclear if Dr. Harley's advice to single mothers is not to date at all or not to remarry. Some of the single moms on this board date, but will not get married. But of that's the case, why date? At some point dating will lead to sex, etc.

I think Dr. Harley's exact advice to single moms requires a bit of finesse for each individual situation. In general I think his big concern is to not introduce a man to the children's lives because he will tend to take over. The typical pattern is the Renter pattern where the guy moves in with no commitment, which is extremely harmful to children and extraordinarily risky.

BTW, dating didn't always automatically lead to sex. That's a new modern phenomenon. But I think the big concern Dr. Harley expresses is not about sex but about moving a man in.

One particular observation Dr. Harley has made is that women really do tend to do just fine on their own without a man in their lives. He's usually dealing with women who feel like this is not the case, and trying to persuade them that they don't need to "find someone" with urgency.

I get the man moving in thing. I would never live with a man before marriage (I did not with STBX, but he never asked anyway. He knew I would not live with him) and now I would never engage in permarital sex (I did with my STBX and that was a disaster).

I have to say, I probably won't abstain from dating and I'd ideally like to get married again. But I would absolutely NOT introduce my kid to a man unless he was dead serious about getting married.

We'll see. In any case, I would rather stay single than marry a low quality man or a renter again. I was thinking the other day that if I met my WH today, I wouldn't even go on a date with him. He uses vulgar language now (or at least he did before I went into Plan B), he no longer goes to church, etc. I suppose the affair changed him and caused extreme incompatibility.

In general for singles Dr. Harley recommends dating several people. He's made the statement that by the time you have dated 30 people you'll probably have found somebody decent. I think when people tie themselves down to the first or second person they date they often end up trying to become a Buyer much sooner than is advisable, with someone who may never be willing to become a Buyer. Dating several people (and not even introducing them to your children) sounds like a great way to avoid becoming too invested too early.

BTW, this would be a great thing to talk to Dr. Harley about. Frankly I think we could use more radio shows out there with Dr. Harley's advice to single people, for reference.

I'll be emailing Dr. Harley when I am officially single, which is still going to take a while since I live in CA.

What? I thought she had shared custody with her ex.

We posted a lot of clips regarding dating for single moms and remarriage for you on the other thread. I know in at least one of those clips Dr Harley said the danger with dating is that it will lead to remarriage.

Outside of that warning (and the warnings against remarriage for a single mom - high 2nd divorce rate, troubled marriage putting stress on the child who is already traumatized from the first divorce, risking adding a lot more problems into your life than if you just stayed single, etc) I haven't ever heard him say he is strongly opposed to dating for a single mom. I have heard him giving a a single mom dating advice that was along the lines of - keep the children and dating life separate and to focus on friendship with men.

I am not sure why you think dating must lead to sex or marriage. I have done a lot of casual dating - I have a handful of friends that I still talk to/am FB friends thru dating. But I am not dating for marriage and dating is not a priority for me....my kids are.
If you WANT to get married, then I can see dating being more dangerous for you and perhpas you should stay away from it entirely ?

Definitely agree that you should write in to Dr Harley and get his thoughts on it.

Yes! I have heard him say this more than once.