This is not complicated and has an easy title:

Very much agree with markos. You are trapped in an endless circle of feelings. The time has come to set aside your feelings and start taking ACTION.

I don't agree with Markos at all. My husband DID NOT rape my daughter. Even she will tell you that. According to her, he engaged in a one time inappropriate advance.

And please don't give me that whole "doesn't really matter what you call it, rape is rape" bullsh*t ... because it DOES matter. There was NO penetration - nothing even CLOSE to penetration.

If it happened...he was WAY out of line...he crossed boundaries that should NEVER be crossed..but to call him a rapist is not accurate.


indiegirl had asked at what age my daughters behavior changed...that's why I posted about her and what she has gone through since her father got sick. I didn't mean for it to be a distraction, I was just answering a question that I was asked.

MelodyLane - As for the change in name...I let the neighbor lady where we have been staying use my computer and told her about this site a couple of weeks ago because she had talked to me about some issues she was having and we have a lot in common (around the same age, married the same length of time, husbands do the same kind of work) She was here tonight and used the computer...apparently she didn't log out and I didn't realize it until I read your post and looked to see what you were talking about. I will be more careful about that in the future.

To answer another question, I don't know what the plan is. Part of me wants to get all of the information I have collected together and confront him. If this happened, I want him to look me in the eye and admit to it. Someone else mentioned that the privacy issue bothered them - if I confront him with everything, I want it to be somewhere and at a time that we aren't going to be interrupted. If it takes ten minutes or ten hours, I just want anything that happens to be in the privacy of my own home, without my husbands co-workers hearing the yelling, screaming, and crying that I might do. I'm not trying to hide anything or cover anything up - I just want to sit down with him and lay it all out on the table. And I think that's what needs to happen. I should schedule the polygraph for when we are back at home. Then I will confront him, and no matter what his answers are (unless he tells me the EXACT same story my daughter has told me) then I will tell him when the poly is scheduled for. I don't know why, but I feel like I need to give him one more chance to come clean with me himself.

Feelings are not truth, and they are not a legitimate substitute for actions. Your plan is one of conflict avoidance and conflict avoidance only creates more conflict and stress.

Your feelings are leading you wrong and will not resolve this problem. It is unrealistic of you to expect your husband to "come clean." Even if your husband did "come clean" you would not know if it was true or not.

And you don't fool me for a minute about the new screen name. You and I both know you made it up so you could avoid talking about the real problem in your marriage: your daughters story. You are in denial and want to sweep it under the rug.

Are you kidding? He's been buying her alcohol for a long time - for a reason. As a black out drunk she has no idea what's happened to her over time. The actions of pulling her over and grabbing forcefully is not an 'advance', those are practiced actions of a man handling a woman too drunk to resist or know what's going on. He misjudged how drunk she was.

You really are in denial. She was assaulted at the very least - don't make out like she was subjected to a bad pick up line. She was drugged with alcohol, and molested by force.

In a car. Somewhere dark and isolated that he drove her to. Before getting on with the task wordlessly.

How you can call that an advance sickens me.

But if you can deny it you don't have to help her. That's why you told her not to expect too much from you as a mother. Because you love him.

It's OK not to enable her but it's not OK to ignore this or 'process' it either. we are talking about a crime not an 'advance'. You are a wife and mother - a grown woman and you don't have the luxury of hand wringing time and trying to find new names for yourself and new names for sexual assault. Get the proof and follow through.

Then I suggest ignoring that post and reading the rest of them that I made for you.


Yes - that is what the polygraph will do.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
Only a polygraph will settle this.

If I had any suspicion, ANY SUSPICION AT ALL, that my husband tried to be sexual with one of my daughters then he would be out of my house until he proved his innocence with a polygraph. Your hand-wringing is disturbing.

If your daughter IS telling the truth, and she is watching you waffle like this, it's got to be really big slap in her face.

The only way you'll know who is telling the truth is to get a polygraph. He's already agreed to do one. So go through with it! If he's innocent, he won't mind taking one to set your mind at ease.

isn't it better to set your mind at ease this is to big of a thing to wonder, to not be a mother first��what can it hurt, he said yes, either way it's a good thing for you, and your husband it will help him you will know one way or the other what you have to deal with��.and do�..

Schedule the polygraph and go through it no matter what.

If he is guilty he will most likely sing like a canary just before the test. He will try to tell you the bare minimum and hide the worst stuff he can, so go through the polygraph no matter what.

If he is not guilty he will most likely pass the polygraph with flying colors.

Wounded45, you may be thinking "Gosh these MBers are so adamant about the Polygraph test! Jeepers!"

You know why? Because they have seen people on this board tread water and do nothing. They want to help and want to see you take concrete action.

You have two issues:

1) Is your DH telling the truth? Well clearly there are many times he hasn't.

2) Your daughter is self destructing

So for your DH, I think you owe it to yourself and your other kids to find out the truth. How can you do that? Taking a polygraph is suggested. That will a) show if he is lying, hopefully and b) make him talk about this in public
Also he should stay away from any of the kids until you are clear. He should also not contact your daughter and give you the passwords to his email and let you see his phone.
Obviously that is not perfect, but is a start.

For your daughter, you have to act as if she is telling the truth. The pain you will feel and your daughter will feel if she is telling the truth and you blew it off is much less than if she is not. Also you can't control her, but you can go to Alanon to get support in dealing with an Alcoholic family member.

I hope you continue to read the MB especially about Emotional Needs...clearly you need to work on Openness and Honesty as you have caused some issues yourself by not sharing.


Yes, the Polygraph is a hard thing to do. I am sure you are putting it off because you don't want to know the answer. But you need to take action.