I see Love Busters is available on Kindle. I will come back when I have read that.

To date, I have tried a variety of approaches. Trying to talk, pushing it, writing it down and giving it to him, not complaining about a thing. The time I wrote it down I got back from him that complaining about things makes him question his love for me. (By complaining, in this context, I mean trying to explain my viewpoint).

I've just scanned the preview of Love Busters. I haven't read it fully but Jim and Karen sound like a familiar kind of scenario.

He will have to get used to complaints if he wants to have a successful marriage. It is the only way for him to make improvements.

And how much "complaining" or how frequently is a good amount? Is there more information about how to do successfully do respectful persuasion?

markos provided links to that information earlier in the thread.

Is he saying that:

When YOU complain about things it makes HIM question HIS love for YOU?

or

When YOU complain about things it makes HIM question YOUR love for HIM?

He means that if I complain he questions his love for me.

It would be much easier if it was the other way around. I could just tell him I'm bringing the issue up because I love him and want things to be the best they can be to reassure him. But no, he questions his love for me if I complain.

We have only had the one big issue come up in our marriage as happened five years ago and I really needed him to understand my hurt. It's the only time I've pushed an issue and maybe did hammer it a bit because I didn't feel heard when I needed it so much. The response I got was that my doing that makes him question how much he loves me.

What is his question exactly? He needs to know your complaints if he wants you to love him, then he needs to take your complaints seriously. Otherwise, he won't know what changes to make.


Thats ok if he has a question, as long as he responds to your complaints quickly and effectively. That is necessary to maintain your love for him.

I think the exact words were something like, when I complain, 'it can be hard for me to think that I love you'.

Tell him not to worry, because it is not complaints that cause an erosion of love, but a lack of meeting needs and committing love busters.

Thanks for clarifying.

This problem can be solved but as others have mentioned, there are a couple of things to consider. (My husband reacts the same way to complaints.)

1. He needs a man to teach him about the normalcy & necessity of complaints in marriage. In my opinion, I would email the radio show for help with this. It will save you a LOT of time. If he doesn't get this point, then your marriage can not improve.

2. Even if he learns that complaints are a benefit, and necessary, his negative emotional reaction to your complaints won't just go away. This needs to be worked on through your efforts in presenting complaints in the kindest, least threatening manner possible, and his having a checklist for how to respond. It would be great for him to learn to calm himself in the face of frustrating circumstances. But you can't be the one to teach him this. It will come off as disrespectful.

Some things that have helped for me:

1. Warn your husband ahead of time that you have a "problem that you need his help to solve." Ask him when would be a good time to discuss it.

2. Pick one issue and stick with it. SMILE, Be kind, but as posters here have taught me, be a "broken record". Sometimes it takes a while for a thought or concept to register. Always ask how "we BOTH can work together to solve this problem and help you feel happier." When my husband repeats things broken record, it sinks in better for me too.

3. One more thing. Complaints do withdraw love units. So your husband is right, that when you complain, he loves you less. Isn't that horrible? But some people are more affected by complaints than others. My husband is too. But the more you learn to fill his love bank, and the less he believes in unconditional love, the more he will accept your complaints and be willing to adjust to them.

Exactly.

MOM, keep in mind that complaints are a good thing for your marriage, not a bad thing. It is like getting an NSF notice in the mail. It might not be fun to get the notice, but the alternative is worse. As you improve your marriage, it won't be so hard to take.

I don't really believe he "loses love" either. I think he just says that so you will stop doing it. He doesn't like complaints and this is a tactic. I was also one who hated getting complaints, and I discouraged my husband from giving them, until I understood that complaints are an opportunity for improvement.

Melody - I'll keep that response in mind for future. I probably did tell him something of the sort but it might have got lost in everything else.

Didntquit - you're probably right, a male role model would be a great thing for him. At this time I'm not sure where that would come from as he hasn't had any contact with his family or friends in years. He has had past counseling but that hasn't helped with our relationship. I do know he has had some support from a man at work who I am happy with and that has been a positive thing. Since I can only work on myself at this point, I am going to be very mindful of how I communicate with him. At this stage I'm leaving it up to him to broach things further. I know he can hold out a long time though.

My husband does know about MB. I pointed him here once, he did read a few things. For all I know he's reading this thread but I don't know if he reads anything anymore because he says it doesn't help. It partly doesn't help because he starts making an effort in love languages that aren't mine.

No doubt I have thrown him for a loop in recent times. There's my own changes that are probably uncomfortable for my husband. I advocate for myself more now and, being 40, part of this is that I know I don't have forever to do some things. This is probably why it was much easier for me to just go along 20 years ago as there was always 'later'.

Long term, even if nothing changes, I can see us having a good marriage with fantastic recreational companionship. I just know it can be more if we can work together on it.

Whether he loves me less or not, he has a history of letting relationships (non-romantic) go rather than confront difficulties. Why would I think our marriage would be any different? I'm sure he's also very secure that I'm not going anywhere though.

Uh...I don't think that I was very clear.
I am not suggesting that he find a male role model at all.

Please, email MBR and see if they can help you and your husband to work on this complaint issue. Maybe even get you guys on the show.

What I am saying is that you can spend a lot of time trying to convince your husband that complaints are good, but if it were coming from Dr. Harley, it might be helpful to you both.

Would you be willing to email the radio show?

The fact that he is very secure you will take any treatment whatsoever contributes to the problem. That is unconditional love - on your part - and that leads to neglect and abuse.

How long have you been married? Any kids? Any affairs on either side?

We have been married 22 years. We have children. The youngest is 10 so we aren't in that young child stage anymore. This has been good for finding more time together. No affairs.

My love isn't completely unconditional. I do have my limits and boundaries and will make my own choices with the options I have. These options will continue to increase as the children get older.

DidntQuit - I'm not saying no to emailing the radio show, I think I just need to finish with reading Love Busters and doing some work around that sort of thing first, for now.

Thanks for the response. Yes, reading Love Busters is so important.