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First, let me say I set myself up to get e-mails whenever anyone posts, but I received no e-mails today. They were not hung up in my spam folder either. I reviewed your instructions and setup in My Stuff and preferences and they look right. Still no e-mails. remark, I fixed this for you, but when you add a watched topic you must then go into "my stuff" and select "watch lists" click on "watched topics" and then select "edit watched topics." From that screen you can click to receive emails.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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when you add a watched topic you must then go into "my stuff" and select "watch lists" click on "watched topics" and then select "edit watched topics." From that screen you can click to receive emails. Remark, I apologise - I must have told you the wrong thing.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Thank you, both. Got emails!
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It should be a bit easier for your marriage if you respond to emails, rather than sit on the forum all day.
Do you have any updates for today?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Also, are these posts I'm making emailing themselves automatically?
BW
Married 1989
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Sugarcane,
Yes, but only you (3 short ones) and Denali.
Have I missed any?!?
Thx,
Remark
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No, that's it. You will only get emails from when my wrong advice was corrected.
Update? How have you behaved today?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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No contact. Busy last night. Son.and I got home around 8.:00. I spent time on the forum. 9:30', I was feeling tired, like ready to snore, so went up showered and fell into bed. She was working on her work PC when I went upstairs.
No contact in the AM ask leave for work before they get up.
I hate being so distant, but don't know how to close the gap.
Our son has a huge project for school, cLled their "40 hour project" due this comin Monday. So, we' re all working on it, sort of. And I took son to counselor last night.
Thx for asking,
Remark
Last edited by Remark; 04/16/15 12:58 PM.
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I didn't hear the bit about you and your wife on the radio show, and now I think I've missed the replay. What did Dr H say?
And are you getting any advice from Dr H on how to "close the gap" that you mentioned?
BW
Married 1989
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Sugarcane,
He was talking about how he often advises the couple to separate. He has not to us. He referenced my wife's email asking why not for us, because she feels her a autoimmune system at risk, etc. He said because he knows I'm trying and thinks if we separate, we'll likely not get back together. (My fear also)
That was the gist of it.
Thx
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I agree with his positions.
When my wife says ' go play softball, or church or visit family' , i think we have POJA, not that she's saying that because she is checked out of our relationship.
I struggle giving up relationships, in general.
Thx, Remark
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When my wife says ' go play softball, or church or visit family' , i think we have POJA, not that she's saying that because she is checked out of our relationship. Are you saying that you used to think that, or are you saying that you still think that?
BW
Married 1989
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I used to think that. Now, I'm very careful not to assume anything, though, son and I went to church on Easter without much thought to POJA.
And, Dr H advised I stay in the house for another mont, saying that two weeks ago, in hopes she sees changes in me.
I don't think she does. She's very sullen and depressed as am I.
Remark
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No if she's asking you to go on here she's not checked out entirely. She's giving you an opportunity.
Before the lovebank is rebuilt though, you won't see or her it Because it isnt there yet.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I agree with his positions.
When my wife says ' go play softball, or church or visit family' , I think we have POJA, not that she's saying that because she is checked out of our relationship. I wasn't very clear. the above quote was my confusion. I falsely thought we had POJA when she was capitulating or checked out of the relationship. Remark
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She's very sullen and depressed as am I. Have people already talked to you on this thread about the benefits of using anti-depressants to help you do what you need to do in this difficult time? Has Dr Harley mentioned them to you?
BW
Married 1989
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No if she's asking you to go on here she's not checked out entirely. She's giving you an opportunity.
Before the lovebank is rebuilt though, you won't see or her it Because it isnt there yet. I'm not so sure. I sure hope so and am praying for it. Sugarcane asked her to post, and I don't think she has. Thanks, Remark
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She's very sullen and depressed as am I. Have people already talked to you on this thread about the benefits of using anti-depressants to help you do what you need to do in this difficult time? Has Dr Harley mentioned them to you? Yes, I'm taking something, as well as something to help me sleep. She's reluctant to take meds like that. BTW, W and I talked a little bit. She's convinced her position is what Dr H has talked about where she has 20 yrs of resentment built up an it's irreversible at this point. Very disappointing. Thanks, Remark
Last edited by Remark; 04/16/15 07:33 PM.
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To all spouses, especially the guys,
Do not neglect the needs of your spouses.
DO follow the Harley principles and plan.
Do not value friends and family over her for anything.
I neglected my wife's needs for 20 years. I didn't invoke POJA. I did a lot of independent behavior thinking it was "normal" and OK, because I invited her along most of the time.
Dr Harley is absolutely correct when he asserts that spouses, especially wives, withdraw and at some point, they are too far gone for them to convince themselves to re-invest in their marriage.
At one point several years ago, she discussed divorce. I made the mistake of mentioning it to my sister and brother. They replied something to effect of "Give her the divorce. You've bent over backwards to please her." I responded with 'thank you' as I felt like I wasn't the one "off base" on whatever the issue(s) were and they weighing in with their opinion based on my input.
My first mistake was not using POJA for everything and acknowledging issues. My second was sharing with my siblings, and my third mistake was not defending my wife, in fact thanked them. For, if I were objective, I'd realize how much she had invested in me and my children, her stepchildren. I was such a selfish fool.
I cannot express enough my remorse, shame and regret.
Now, it has become a matter of choosing between my large extended family and my wife.
I know the Harley answer. It would have been infinitely easier to mourn a decision on some minor conflict than to mourn the loss of your wife or family. And with POJA, you wouldn't be mourning anything.
She is beyond her point of returning to our marriage I fear.
All I know to do is warn and advise others of my foolishness.
Please heed my message of warning.
Love your spouse. Follow the Harley program before it's too late.
Remark
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To all spouses, especially the guys,
Do not neglect the needs of your spouses.
DO follow the Harley principles and plan.
Do not value friends and family over her for anything.
I neglected my wife's needs for 20 years. I didn't invoke POJA. I did a lot of independent behavior thinking it was "normal" and OK, because I invited her along most of the time.
Dr Harley is absolutely correct when he asserts that spouses, especially wives, withdraw and at some point, they are too far gone for them to convince themselves to re-invest in their marriage.
At one point several years ago, she discussed divorce. I made the mistake of mentioning it to my sister and brother. They replied something to effect of "Give her the divorce. You've bent over backwards to please her." I responded with 'thank you' as I felt like I wasn't the one "off base" on whatever the issue(s) were and they weighing in with their opinion based on my input.
My first mistake was not using POJA for everything and acknowledging issues. My second was sharing with my siblings, and my third mistake was not defending my wife, in fact thanked them. For, if I were objective, I'd realize how much she had invested in me and my children, her stepchildren. I was such a selfish fool.
I cannot express enough my remorse, shame and regret.
Good points.
Now here's where it appears to get sketchy...
Now, it has become a matter of choosing between my large extended family and my wife.
Remark- Picture you and your wife, together, surrounded by a bubble. Whenever you are both ENTHUSIASTIC, you can see them. REGARDLESS of your wife's words, this is the rule. This is what �leaving and cleaving� means, Remark. You and your wife together may need to leave your family alone for a while until that bubble is built. Then, if successful, you might be able to add back interactions in a mutually enthusiastic way. In the past, your wife willingly engaged with you and your family, and when the ambush occurred, you defected to the enemy camp, leaving her alone to fight for herself. How could she even see them as allies? Even if she were willing, it would only be after being able to trust you, as her protector. That has NOT happened.
Whether you like it or not, the interaction you have with your family has been tarnished by YOUR OWN choices, and if you don't fix this now, there will be poor consequences for you with them even if you are divorced.
By the way, it looks to me like you are seeing yourself as the victim or martyr here? (Blah, Blah, Blah, See? Even Dr. Harley says that it's too late. What's the point? My wife says Boo.)
Am I mistaken?
I know the Harley answer. It would have been infinitely easier to mourn a decision on some minor conflict than to mourn the loss of your wife or family. And with POJA, you wouldn't be mourning anything.
This is not the answer. It is a true statement, but don't mistake it as a judgment of the future. And don't use it as an excuse to give up. You are responsible to hold up your end of the marriage now, just like she did for 20 long years, Remark. Don't you dare quit on her now, and then gaslight her because she says she's done.
She is beyond her point of returning to our marriage I fear.
You should fear. But fear is not a reason to quit or fall short of your marriage vows. Remark, you are talking like a quitter over and over again. She is not going to try to beg you to rise up and be the hero at this point. Why would she? Instead of filing for divorce, she sent you here. She sent you because she knew that we would help you, because you didn't want to hear her. Don't quit, Remark. You can do this. Hold fast to your partner, even when she can't do the same. Show her that you are starting to understand, and that when you hit confusion, you will be open to listening.
All I know to do is warn and advise others of my foolishness.
Is that really true?
Please heed my message of warning.
Remark,Love your spouse. Continue toFollow the Harley program before it's too late.
Remark-
Honor your wife. It is not too late to do that.
Remark
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