Glad to see you back, mrs_cen How's his angry outbursts?

So, I posted back in February that we were doing well ~ we are not.
We've been here in our "new home" about a year and a half, when we initially planned the move, we decided together (with Dr. Harley's advice) that if I wasn't happy we would come back, BS will not even entertain the idea, I'm terribly lonely, I miss my family, BS doesn't care, he tells me if I'm so miserable here than to go. He kept his promise to find a job that will not get cause him to be away, but it's like he's gone anyway. I don't feel connected to him at all, I feel like how things were and had been been pre-affair. It's like he's given up on making our marriage better, it's like now that we are here and we are away from where the affair happened and the bad memories are nothing else matters, we just go on day to day.
I don't know what to do, I only know the feelings are bad.

Are you spending 20 hours of UA time together weekly?

No Jedi ~ not even remotely close.
BS, prefers his computer and YouTube news to UA time.

Mrs Cen, I'm so sorry.

What's your deadline for him to get on board with recovery? You need one.

Don't feel obligated to put up with a so-so marriage just because you were the wayward. Most BSs want a better marriage post-affair. You are only obligated to offer recovery, you are not obligated to put up with limbo.

Why do you think he has checked out?

mrs_cen, I'm so sorry to hear this. But didn't Dr Harley advise you what to do when you were facing this situation before - when you first moved?

Have you said anything to your husband?

There's only one thing you can do if he refuses to have a marriage with you. Separate. If he wants you to stay married to him, then he needs to give you UA. UA is not optional.

Your marriage is only going to get worse if he continues to neglect you.

I was thinking the same thing.

What did Dr. Harley recommend?

This is the heart of the matter. Not where you live.
20 hours of UA time weekly is at the core of Dr. Harley's programs. In fact, he tells callers to his Radio Show to craft their career, school and parenting lives around UA time. UA time needs to be the center of a married couples life and top priority.

Have you complained about this to him?\

Can you afford coaching with Steve Harley to hopefully get your husband on board?

Here is your show segment where Dr. Harley tells you to go back home if things don't change. He also told you to keep in touch with him and let him know how things are going:

08/23/2013 Segment B

Your husband has waffled on recovery since the beginning. As a husband, he's got to be 100% committed to recovery, or there is no hope.

I feel like I'm going to be portrayed as "giving up", "walking away", everything always leads back to the affair.
I've tried to talk to him but he says he's no different.

I don't know if a full on Plan B is appropriate, but put it in writing.

Put it in writing that you want a marriage that is affair proofed, loving and passionate and he can join you in it any time he likes.

It's not walking away to have standards. It's standing up for marriage. Simply staying isn't.

Mrs Cen I think some people are very 'show me the money'. If you say no UA time is a deal breaker - it's just words.

If you DO it - it's a fact that has to be dealt with. Plus you've nothing to lose because you don't have a romantic relationship with him anyway.

If I had standards, I never would have had the affair in the first place.
I don't want to lose my marriage, I've worked so very hard the last 2 years to make things better, to make things right.
I don't know "how" to make him see or understand that his behaviour is how it was pre affair, If I say that to him, he will say "so it's my fault you had the affair".

I didn't say HAD standards, I said HAVE standards. I don't have a time machine and neither do you, so quit hashing over an unchangeable past.

Do you HAVE standards for your marriage TODAY and are you willing to enforce them?

No more blaming inacivity on an unchangeable past.






You don't have a marriage. Your efforts to get one can't be undone by anyone. No one can take that away from you. Your job as a wife to hold your husband to account. To insist on marriage. What you have is not marriage.




You don't have to mention the A at all. It's only people who cling desperately to a relationship who try to pull the blame game.

I'm not suggesting you blame him based on old stuff, I'm suggesting you inform him of the marriage changes that need taking place today. No need to hit him over the head with lovebusters.

He knows where to find you if he's interested.

Alright, so then first thing I need to do is to insist on the 20hours of UA time, and if he doesn't want to then I go to plan B?

I don't know that a full on Plan B is needed. Just move home, I don't see why you can't stay in contact unless he would lovebust you. You don't spend UA time together anyway so you wouldn't even be losing any time with your husband by doing this.

Mrs_cen, you surprise me! You have been here long enough to know that having standards is no insurance against affairs. You know how affairs happen. Guarding your love bank against outside threats is far more effective. If you allow somebody to make enough love bank deposits, your moral principles will not save you.

At this stage, the affair should be ancient history. The only reason RNR brings it up is to use it to control and abuse you. You need to plan for a separation. You have given this your best shot. If RNR will not join you in this partnership, then that is his choice. It is not your fault; rather you should be commended for doing all you could to make the marriage work.

Which truly is disgusting, but Mrs Cen implied she does this too. She wants change, but telling him it's 'pre affair' behaviour turns a request into a demand.

No BS could hear that without hearing the implication of punishment.

There's a difference in calling it behaviour which may lead to a divorce. Subtle but very different.