Indie - I've NEVER said to him, "it's pre-affair behaviour", it's what I feel, how I'm discribing the behaviour to the group, his behaviour now is how it was before the affair,
Actually saying those words (IMO) implies that my affair was his fault, obviously it was not.

That's very good news. I see now that the way you phrased it was actually a musing of how you couldn't say it and a prediction that he would (correctly) see it as a DJ/demand.

But it's important to note that you were considering it. I think you were saying 'I can't say THAT but what can I say to stress how serious it is?' (correct me if I'm misreading you).

That's why a willingness to leave when faced with neglect or abuse is so important. When abused, you have two options for survival: Abuse them back or leave.

No, you WERE correct in assuming. I'm going to have to sit down with him and just be straight with him.

So, I did talk to him, he said he's not going back and if I want to go then I am free to do so, I asked him if he would bring me home (I'm terrified to fly alone) he said I can do it alone. I guess that's that then.
What happened? What did I do wrong? (In the recovery)

Oh nooooo...that is a terrible response from him.

Has he flat-out refused to work on treating you better?

He doesn't feel he's treating me poorly.

But he's refused to do the things you've asked for, like get off the computer, and spend 15 hours UA time?

Yes

Mrs_cen,

Did you ever take a polygraph?

Gamma

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China, Gamma?
Her affair is a problem of the past. The current problem is her husband's unwillingness to treat her with care.

You need to go home to your family, mrs_cen. Do not stay with a man who refuses to follow the program.

This is not acceptable, gamma.

mrs_cen, there are a lot of men that are neglectful of their wives. The wives don't cause the neglect. The men just mistakenly think that a marriage shouldn't take that much effort from them.

It's not because you did anything wrong in recovery, and it's not because you had an affair (he was like this before the affair, wasn't he?) And it has nothing to do with polygraphs or whatever.

When a wife is abused, it is not her fault. When a wife is neglected, it is not her fault.

Marriage Builders exists to help educate men that wives can't and shouldn't live in a marriage where they are neglected. It is primarily a program for men to learn what their wives needs are and how to meet them.

Here is the thing, mrs_cen. You must go for broke. You must let him know that if you can't have a marriage where he gives you the care you need, then you can't be with him at all. And then you must go. You absolutely must follow through with this. It's the last chance for your marriage. It's the last thing you can do. You want to give this every shot you can, right? If so, this is what you need to do.

I try to encourage everybody to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily, and one reason I do that is because I want you to hear Dr. Harley give this advice, over and over again, and I want you to hear what happens when people follow it, and I want you to hear what happens when people do not follow it. I hope you are listening.

As indie touched on, Plan B is not applicable to your situation.
Plan B is a very specific plan designed to win back a wayward spouse during an affair and preserve the love bank balance of the betrayed spouse. As soon as the affair ends, recovery begins and plan B ends.

Dr. Harley advocates separation in some circumstances but it should not be confused with plan B

No Jedi that isn't correct.

Matter of fact, here is a clip talking about this very thing.

Radio Clip on Plan B

mrs_cen have you followed up with Dr. Harley?

**EDIT**

Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders prior to posting.

***EDIT***

Moderator's note: Do not repost an edited post.

This is a reminder to posters to stick to Marriage Builders advice, or refrain from posting.

Zach, still multiple paragraphs about this "friend", yet you won't actually act on healing your marriage (wife mentioned only in brief passing...). Yep, self delusion is common, isn't it?

Markos,

Thanks for clearing something up for me. So Marriage Builders exists only to educate men that they must not neglect their wives? One way street? Seems to me it is a two way street.

Let's define terms: Neglect = not meeting your spouses needs. I find it hard to believe that, if partner1 is meeting the needs of partner2, then partner 2 would want to keep that going and so make at least a reasonable effort to meet partner1's needs as well. If that is the case, the neglectful partner2 is not behaving rationally and may need professional help.

More likely, partner1 may be trying, but missing the mark, and could even be making things worse. The neglect is a sure sign that something is wrong. Sometimes things just change.

Why is it solely up to the man to meet the woman's needs, and no vice versa?