I am new to Marriage Builders and I apologize if I am posting in the wrong section. I am impressed with the Marriage Builders program, based on what I am learning about it.

A close friend of mine is dealing with an affair. My friend has been faithful, the spouse has not. At this time they are both trying to stay together and work it out.

I support my friend with any decision. At times I've felt good about the reconciliation. At other times I am angry and aghast that the wayward spouse is being given a second chance after some of things that have been said, much less the cheating actions that took place.

I have not seen the wayward spouse since the exposure. How should I try to behave when I do see them? For a betrayed spouse, is there anything you wish your friends/family understood? Anything that would have helped you?

Thanks for any advice.

Probably time and space.

Don't be surprised if they are and remain a bit reclusive and shut off from friends and family for awhile. They've got a lot to work on, work out and rebuild and the complication of dealing with and addressing family and friends and especially family and friends that know will probably be daunting.

They need your love and support. Your friend is an adult and living his/her life as they see fit.

Of course, get educated here and if the chance presents itself, offer wise guidance with love and compassion. MANY marriage survive infidelity but few thrive. Really, few marriage thrive regardless of infidelity but when infidelity strikes, putting a crappy marriage back together and just staying together usually isn't enough. If they are going to bother recovering why not make it great.

The simplest response to your friend when speaking to your friend might be:

"What's your plan???"

Might get the opportunity to mention or recommend MB.

It's made all the difference in our lives and sure as heck beats rug sweeping.

Is your friend of the opposit sex?

Nope, friend is same as me.

Is the wayward the husband or wife?

Get each of them their own copy of the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Tell the BS about the website.

'Don't be surprised if they are and remain a bit reclusive and shut off from friends and family for awhile. They've got a lot to work on, "

Ok, so the being reclusive part. I get it... Also I understand the wayward spouse should be spending all free time with the betrayed spouse. But from an outsider, shouldn't there be some concern that they could end up in a black hole together?

The betrayed spouse started off with MB (which is why I keep trying to be so non-specific about their situation) but then kind of deviated. So I don't know that they are getting support here or anywhere.

I want to support their efforts, but as my original post stated it's so hard to understand everything and know how to think about it all.

"ANY marriage survive infidelity but few thrive."

That's a really interesting thought. I know this is too simplistic- but my immediate thought was "then why bother?" But I fully understand this is not my life and situations are complicated.

Few thrive without a plan to restore romantic love.
The book Surviving An Affair is a guide on how to do that.

It is possible to support but not condone. You can support your friend while encouraging the MB plan and not condoning her waffling and Plan C.

Be there to give a hug when needed but also give a gentle shaking to remain in reality as well. Maybe another hug after the shaking since it is out of love and concern for the BS. I never wanted my friends and family to give blind support and counted on them to smack me if I needed it.

The marriages that just survive don't use these concepts. The ones who use these concepts do thrive. Marital recovery after an affair is not a crap shoot. It is a very specific plan.