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#2853232 05/13/15 10:35 AM
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You can see my orriginal thread here.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170222&Number=2787549#Post2787549

We finally moved out of state 1000 miles away. He was living with my sister and husband and the kids and I were living with my parents, 2 hours away. My orriginal plan was to file for divorce once we got here, but found out I had to wait 6 months to do so. I didn't want to be stuck 1000 miles from any family I had. I had no friends left in our last home. Plus my mother's cancer was spreading and she was getting worse. I fnally told him 2 months after we moved here that I wanted a divorce. 1 month later he lost his job and blamed me. before that he had told me he was going to find his own place to live and make me start paying half the bills. I didn't have a job at the time and was having a hard time finding one.

1 week after my husband lost his job my mother passed away. He was living with us by then and helped out immensely that day. I decided to give him another chance that night.

We spent literally every waking moment together if I wasn't at my part time 10 hr a week job. he was upset when I would go to work because I wasn't spending time with him. I couldn't make any plans with anyone else, to include my sister, and I couldn't make any friends. He would get mad at me. he finally found a new job after 2 months. I was so relieved. Not only did this mean we could start paying bills again, but it meant I could have a little freedom.

He has said he will do anything it takes to fix our marriage. he has yet to see a counselot. he has yet to set one up fr us ( a stipulation of mine) he has yet to stop taking life out on the kids. If he is upset with me he takes it out on the kids. If I dont' have sex with him, he is angry at the kids, yelling at them, and being harsh with them. I told them this stops now. He is beyond overbearing on normal occasions. He has promised eh will stop and he will change, but of course I don't believe him. He's always been like this with them and has only gotten worse over the last year.It will take a counselor and a lot of work on his part to change this.

On top of everything when we are intimate, A movie will play in my mind of the physical details he told me of the affair. It makes intimacy impossible and I am always crying. I am usually fine any other time. This only happens when we are intimate with each other. Plus lately there has been no actual intimacy. He has become very selfish.

I have bit the bullet and contacted a local marriage counselor.I am hoping we can get in to see her ASAP so we can really start fixing our marriage.

I do not want to move to this new town. My children do not want to either. I feel right now that the only reason I'm staying with him is because I feel like I have no alternative. I don't have a college degree. I can't find a full time job. I could never afford to live on my own. My father wants us out as soon as the school year is over. Now that we've said we are staying together, our oldest is a bit happier. He has been having a very hard time with this. He blames me for my husband cheating. he blames me for us moving. I should have just gotten over it according to him. And what am I teaching him and my other 2 by staying? That it's ok to cheat? People just get over it? It's ok to be cheated on? My son had his first girlfriend. She cheated on him and then broke up with him. He told her he loves her and doesn't care that she cheated and he wants to be with her. When she refused, he called her sorts of foul language, and threatened to kill himself. He is in counseling now. This just is not the son I know. He never would have done this before.

My husband's infidelity has destroyed our entire family. But I decided to stay with him, because it's easier and I'm too scared to try to make it alone. I'm too scared of what he'll do if we go through with the divorce. I have support here, but like I said, my dad wants me out.

So we are working on things. They aren't horrible. I just see horrible things in my mind. I keep replaying the past. I do not trust him. I am angry with him. hurt by him. I no longer feel secure. I am really hoping that we can make things work. This week I've just been so very depressed. Some weeks are great and others not so much.

I just needed to vent here.

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Can I ask why you are posting here if you aren't using the program? We have all saved our marriages using this program so I am completely baffled why you wouldn't use Marriage Builders??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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You are like the cancer patient who sits in the waiting room of MD Anderson Cancer Institute [the best cancer facility in the US] and googles walk in clinics in Mexico on their free internet.

WHY?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I am trying to use the system, that's why we moved, that's why we're here. It took a long time because not everyone can just magically find a new job and move away. There are factors here other than just me and my husband. Why are you so incredibly mean? I thought this was a place for support, and Christian support at that!!!

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Originally Posted by AcrosstheUnivers
I am trying to use the system, that's why we moved, that's why we're here. It took a long time because not everyone can just magically find a new job and move away. There are factors here other than just me and my husband. Why are you so incredibly mean? I thought this was a place for support, and Christian support at that!!!

We are offering support. Is there a reason why you aren't using it?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get it asap and follow the program described in it. If you can't afford it, Dr Harley will send you a free one if you write his radio show and ask his advice. [you don't have to go on the radio show] He will give you free advice. here

The program you should be following is this:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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We moved away, like everyone on here kept telling me to do. In a month we will be back to living together. AS everyone told us to do. We will once again begin to see someone (once we finally have money to pay someone). We spend as much time together as we can. Everyone was informed of the affair, family friends work OW's husband. There is no contact with OW. Everything he does is open to me. He does however still lie about things. So I am doing everything on my side. He has yet to do everything on his. So I guess I'm not understanding how you can say I'm not using your support!

I was venting. Things are hard. But we are still trying. I am still willing to try even though half my friends tell me not to. I am trying because I think my kids would do better if they had both parents co-existing. We could be better people and parents if we can get through this hurdle. That is why I am here. That is why we are still trying. I just have my doubts like any normal person.

You however are not offering support, but just being mean

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get it asap and follow the program described in it. If you can't afford it, Dr Harley will send you a free one if you write his radio show and ask his advice. [you don't have to go on the radio show] He will give you free advice. here

The program you should be following is this:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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We've done all that, I can't MAKE him do anything though. He has to do his part and continue to be truthful. I have the book. I just said we've already been following this program. That is why I'm here. But you're telling me I have no business being here because I'm not rich and not doing everything right. We should have left the moment he finally confessed. Sorry hunny but life doesn't work like a fairytail. We had to find a job first. What you expect us to live on the street?!

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way to make someone feel even worse than they already do. I didn't come on here to be bullied

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Originally Posted by AcrosstheUnivers
We've done all that, I can't MAKE him do anything though. He has to do his part and continue to be truthful. I have the book. I just said we've already been following this program. That is why I'm here. But you're telling me I have no business being here because I'm not rich and not doing everything right. We should have left the moment he finally confessed. Sorry hunny but life doesn't work like a fairytail. We had to find a job first. What you expect us to live on the street?!

According to your post, you are not following the program at all. That is what we can help you with.

Is your husband willing to follow this program? If he is, then there is hope. If not, then you should remain separated from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by AcrosstheUnivers
He has said he will do anything it takes to fix our marriage. he has yet to see a counselot. he has yet to set one up fr us ( a stipulation of mine) he has yet to stop taking life out on the kids. If he is upset with me he takes it out on the kids. If I dont' have sex with him, he is angry at the kids, yelling at them, and being harsh with them. I told them this stops now. He is beyond overbearing on normal occasions. He has promised eh will stop and he will change, but of course I don't believe him. He's always been like this with them and has only gotten worse over the last year.It will take a counselor and a lot of work on his part to change this..

Here is where I would start. Instead of focusing on needless distractions like "counseling," I would focus on your marriage. Going to counseling is a distraction at a critical time in your marriage. If he is willing to "do anything to fix your marriage," then you have a chance.

Will he use this program with you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Please listen! I am sure Mel is genuinely concerned - I am!

Firstly, don't go near a counsellor. You have enough idiots in your life, you don't need a paid one.

This:

Originally Posted by AcrosstheUnivers
If he is upset with me he takes it out on the kids. If I dont' have sex with him, he is angry at the kids, yelling at them, and being harsh with them. I told them this stops now. He is beyond overbearing on normal occasions. He has promised eh will stop and he will change, but of course I don't believe him. He's always been like this with them and has only gotten worse over the last year.It will take a counselor and a lot of work on his part to change this.
.


Settling for this is not MB. At all. You cannot recover under these conditions and you cannot subject your kids to this.

The only way to recover from an affair is to be loved and cared for at all times. He can't afford to heap new abuses on you and you will be damaged health wise if you allow it. For even one more day.

You most certainly cannot give him the free pass of telling him it will take a lot of time.

Either he does it because it works - in which case he stops today, or gets out. If he genuinely can't control his anger he is not safe and needs to spend a year separated from you and attending intensive anger management until he proves safe over time. NOT counselling.


As for the anger at you not having sex, it's next door to rape to threaten the kids. Having sex unwillingly causes sexual aversion and you will be physically unable to have sex without panic attacks soon.

Keep a high bar.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by AcrosstheUnivers
way to make someone feel even worse than they already do. I didn't come on here to be bullied
Let me start by saying you need to take a few minutes and realize that the posters on here are volunteers. They truly care about helping people with their relationships. I can say that because I was in your shoes less than a year ago.

Their advice is consistent, it's honest, and most importantly IT WORKS! Take some time and read over some of the other forums. Start with some that have problems that are totally different than your problems. You will see their advice is consistent, it follows Dr. H's plan and IT WORKS! Don't lose sight of that because they are direct. Don't lose sight of that because what they tell you is difficult to do. If it were easy or comfortable to do, you wouldn't need their help would you and you could recover your marriage on your own couldn't you?

The measures they are having you take seem extreme because you are emotionally connected to a situation you never thought you would find yourself in. Like I said, I never thought I would find myself in the position I was in either. You will eventually see clarity in you predicament. It may or may not be the direction you anticipated or even the direction you want it to go, but they WILL guide you in a direction that will enable you to have a loving relationship whether it is with your willing H or you divorce because he does not put into action a "willing to do whatever it takes".

Trust me (yet another stranger that cares)an angry spouse is nothing to take lightly. If you do you can write your life of to one of loneliness and misery. I'm not totally out of the woods yet, but I am in a happier place because of their wisdom and guidance

Listen to MelodyLane, Indiegirl, SusieQ & others even if it sounds harsh. Have the faith that they have the experience and they follow Dr. H's plan to the letter. I will leave you with this quote that gave me comfort when I couldn't quite fathom the steps they were telling me I needed to take either:

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

They have seen the whole staircase numerous of times and they know what it takes to build a loving and romantic relationship.


FS of 27yrs
BW
DDay 11/2013
Began MB Seminar 7/2014
H quit MB Seminar 10/2014
Filed for D 11/17/2014
PB 12/18/2014
D 07/29/2015
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Listen to the clips in here.
Beware of Bad Counselors


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I find it stunning that this forum is considered bullying when at home she is obligated to have sex to protect her kids.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I just wanted to say something about other advice than MB's. Let me tell you the "great advice" that one of our marriage counselors gave us. This was before MB, and this is my only excuse now ...

She gave us the questionnaire to fill out. The point of it was "what kind of information is given by me and what does it mean", so that my DH could interpret me "correctly". The same one was given to me regarding my husband. We were of course so thrilled how this therapist understood us "so well" and thought that it all helped, that it was all the communication problem between us! No more words needed. Years ahead, after all the infidelity mess, and after being MB for 6 yrs now, MB is the only therapy that makes sense to me, and it is much more easier to implement than any other program or whatever they call. We as a couple are happy now, and our kids, however grown, are also happy for that. And the only money it cost for it was the MB books. The program is very intuitive once you get hold of it.


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing


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