New,

Thx for the message. We were both professionals, but that shouldn't affect the success of a relationship, should it? Neither profession interfered with us. I'm not sure what you mean by gaining at the other's expense... we will both gain things and we will both make sacrifices.

However, my new relationship is not the jest of this thread. It's how to totally recover from the old relationship. The GF is a wonderful lady, but we did have some problems that I knew would be a challenge. She was there for me when I was really hurting and we lived together for a year after the separation and divorce. We were beginning to plan a life together. The problems couldn't be solved with counseling or otherwise, and was clearly present long before we got together. We both knew it wasn't going to last, but still loved each other.

I need to close that chapter and go on, and need to forget about any relationship with her. So far, it's been going pretty good, but always looking for any additional help. That's the goal.

Yes, I'm set on that. It may not have been an option, but did work out that way. But, again, that's not the goal of this thread. I could start a new thread on living alone vs. with someone, etc., etc and we could discuss this there.

If you have any suggestions on topic, would appreciate it.

WhAt is your plan if she drinks any alcohol while married to her?

It's very clear from your answers (and even your questions) on this thread that you have no idea that there is such a thing as the Marriage Builders programme, and what it consists of. It is designed to create romantic marriages that last a lifetime. It involves constantly practicing a certain set of behaviours that build and maintain love, and declining other behaviours that destroy love.

You are posting on the Marriage Builders forum, and that is why people are assuming you know about MB, and why they are trying to give you advice based on it. However, it seems that you have not read the basic concepts, or perhaps anything at all, about the programme. Thus, you and the posters here are talking at cross purposes.

For how long has she been completely alcohol free (as in - not a drop has passed her lips)?

The reason that people want to discuss your marriage as a whole is because that is what this forum exists to do. It is not a chat board where people are encouraged to drop in when they have a specific problem, without looking at the whole marriage (or relationship, if you are still dating, but planning to marry).

The Marriage Builders programme is an integrated set of behaviours that deal with everything in marriage (and preparation for marriage), from how spouses talk to each other, spend recreational time with each other, sort out their finances and domestic responsibilities, and raise their children, to how they achieve sexual fulfilment with each other and how they interact with friends and family.

The focus is on what creates good, passionate marriages, and what harms marriages. A major cause of harm to marriage is adultery (which you committed with this girlfriend) and another is addictions, of which your ex wife was in the throes as recently as 14 months ago. It focuses on other harms, such as living together before marriage, which you did with your girlfriend and which you might be planning to do again with your ex wife.

There are various well-accepted strategies for getting an adultery partner out of one's head, and I suspect that you already know the main ones. Dr Harley's advice is that you never see or communicate with her again, and also, so that adultery does not have a chance to take place, while you are married you should not have opposite sex friends, as you had with this girlfriend while you were married. You eventually had an affair with her, which was inevitable.

If you intend to remarry your ex wife, you should follow the checklist for how affairs should end, and how to rebuild a marriage, described in Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair.

If you are not interested in marriage at this stage, then you could still try having no contact whatsoever with your ex girlfriend, and using various blocking techniques when thoughts of her come to mind. (I'm sure you can read all about those, easily.)

However, the posters here are trying to get you to look at the problems that existed in your marriage, before you marry again. One problem is that your wife is an alcoholic, and another, that you had a woman friend, that you saw nothing wrong with having such a friend, and that you have a very casual ("freeloaders") attitude to marriage.

Are you and your ex planning to live together? Are you planning to marry?

Did you meet the girlfriend before, or after, you divorced from your wife?

Sounds like this should be in Surviving an Affair.

SugarCare,

I have a strong idea about the Marriage Builders programme, but certainly not an expert. I've read a lot of the articles, including how to survive an affair. The affair is long over and reconciled. So is the issue that caused the divorce. I have always been friends with my wife and now ex wife, and we have always cared for each other regardless of the problems we've faced and regardless of the divorce. We have had many, many good years together, with tons of good memories. Like all good people (MANY ON THIS THREAD, including YOU, SugarCane) we had a problem that was not easily solved which can (and did for me) lead to the end of the marriage. Doesn't mean that things can't be corrected, and people can't reconnect.

***EDIT***

I believe I've answered a lot of the questions, but haven't got much encouragement on how to totally get the former GF out of my mind. We got very close and got along fairly well. The issue that caused our failure was well apparent long before we ever got involved, and I thought I could solve it, wrongly. I didn't know the ex wife would work out at all prior to the break up, and took some time to figure out if it would. I will get over the GF, it will take time, and the steps I've started are already working.... I just thought, with all the knowledge on this forum, that there might be more good advise.

Wow. How dare you prod her pain just looking for excuses to keep your mistress-buddy?

The BS's are the people who endured a bad marriage and STAYED FAITHFUL because there isnt anything that 'causes it'.

They endured an affair. They did not get ANY of their own needs met while their spouse was out catting around and they STILL did not use that an excuse to become adulterers themselves.


You are not a safe man for any woman to be with because you place all responsibility on them and none on yourself.





You have simply no idea of the pain you have cause have you?

Most certainly did for me. I just threw out the cheat and got a faithful man instead.

Ouch.

People cause their own behavior. Nobody can make you have an affair. Nobody can make you abuse your wife. Nobody can make you choose alcohol. Etc.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555478#Post2555478

When was your last contact with your affair partner?

Here is the answer to how to get your affair partner out of your mind. Follow this checklist and make no exceptions, and the affair partner will eventually be out of your mind:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Will your ex-wife post here?

You are totally clueless about the MB program. Living with others and jumping in rebound relationships (one being an affair) is nothing MB advocates. You are totally clueless.


You did just ask the question so don't act like more of a patronizing ***EDIT*** on top of your insulting and insensitive question to S_C. You insult every BS on this board. What did you do to make your wife drinkl?

Indeed.

After seeing years of abusive spouses on these forums I have never seen quite such a shocking example of 'she deserved it'.

I think we've covered all of the above, but it there's something pertaining to the goal of this thread that can be answered regarding my relationship with the ex wife, I certainly don't mind hearing it.

I don't believe I have a "freeloaders" attitude, by Dr. Harley's definition. I have never been in any relationship where I didn't care and didn't provide for the best support I could give my mate, even my girlfriend. When married, we both gave and took wonderful things from the relationship and for the most part worked quite well. The divorce stemmed from an issue that had existed for many years, and many heartaches and ten's of thousands of dollars of trying to solve it. It was over long before I had a "legal" paper saying so, and I don't believe a legal paper (marriage certificate or divorce decree} is any guarantee of success. We can make commitments between ourselves that are way stronger than a piece of paper. Also, the divorce wasn't an easy choice, it took years to think that through, and the GF had no part in it.

I've had many friends of the opposite sex as my ex wife has had. There's no reason to believe that they all have the potential of an affair. However, I could argue there are some activities with the opposite sex that can create situations that can lead to an affair and those should be avoided. My wife knew of my girlfriend, long before we were intimate. I told her. I was looking for affection that just wasn't available at home, and told her that, too. I also told her that our marriage was at the end and we would be going separate ways. Surprisingly, it worked out fairly well for a very emotional, stressful event. Now, that's behind us and we have put the past behind and are looking forward to a healing and good relationship. We have probably done more to better our relationship in the past few weeks than we've done in the past 3 years. And, yes we plan to live together and we haven't decided if we will remarry or not. That will probably be decided by financial decisions, not emotional.

Now, one of the immediate goals is to totally get the old GF out of my mind. I don't discuss that with my ex wife, but she knows that's one of my agendas and any question she asks me regarding that is answered. I've cut all communication, except we've agreed to occasionally text to be sure we avoid each other at a place which we both patronize. I've got rid of anything that reminds me of her, I have no social media contact with her. She has also moved on and has no desire to see me and no possibility of us getting back together, but know she still has a strong emotional attachment. I'm sure she will have some rebound dates and eventually totally forget me, which is fine with me.

Now, if there's more you can add to the goal, it would be appreciated.

How dare you.

You owe SugarCane an apology. Right now.

Stop calling her your "girlfriend".

While that makes it sound cute and innocent, she is your OW. Which you were told in a previous thread.

That's not going to fly here.

You want help getting over your OW? Start by reading the Surving an Affair articles right here on this site.

Don't make us spoonfeed this stuff to you. Get to work if you are serious.

Geez.